Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Other » Mystery / Suspense


by godlypopo

Note:This Is supposed to be all over the place and confusing. 

Trapped, in a cage of thoughts. My fingers curl around the bars; tears trickle down my cheeks-filling my mouth with salt. Time flies by me, slows down-speeds up. 

I feel as if I am being choked; choked by my own invisible rope of impossible ideas. Faces stare at me; they're laughing at me, mocking me, as I drown my pool of darkness. People stand around the cage as they glare down with malicious lack of mercy. They are trying to remind me of the time I did wrong - the time I stopped the bad from turning good. Asking me: "Why would a man of evil like you deserve anything?"

Suddenly they disappear, leaving me with myself-a reflection of hatred, a downfall of good. Knives fall from below me, landing in my head... Killing me... Saving me.

But then I am faced with him. The man who holds a knife for my heart. He killed all those I loved. The one I hate. The one I like. Thats when I see; I see that the man is me. 

Slowly, I pick up one of the scattered knives at my side. I hold it in my hand whilst he follows my every move. But then he does something not a small human brain like mine could understand; he holds it to his chest, smiling like an enthusiastic little boy, and he plunges it in to his heart causing the cage to collapse. I am now free. Free from myself as I am the one who is going to hell, killed by the evil inside me.

But-- what if I didn't submit? Submit to the pain of my sins?

I would not be dead, far from that, I would breath, I would blink, I would see. What if the demon was gone, but I was not. This would be the moment when I learn something oh so important - I am me.

And I will not stop fighting.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
104 Reviews

Points: 1425
Reviews: 104

Fri Sep 04, 2015 2:23 pm
View Likes
Holiday30 wrote a review...

Lol, you got me again......although I think I like this one more then the others, I know you was looking for a confuse type state but I honestly grasp what was going on from the start. I feel bad for the man, because whatever he did was so bad that the only way to escape his own guilt was to die. Which in reality is true for some people. I have heard countless stories about people taking their own life because of their guilt. But like I said I loved it and I hope u keep writing.

godlypopo says...

Thank you so so so much holiday! I can always rely on you for a good and understanding review :D

User avatar
79 Reviews

Points: 3665
Reviews: 79

Fri Jan 30, 2015 11:42 pm
View Likes
XPresidentTurtlesX wrote a review...

Well, you definitely achieved what you were looking for: confusing. I think it could be taken as the "man" being "sin," and the knife he holds as forgiveness, which is why the person is free. However, it is too late, and the person cannot save themselves from their evil, which is why the last line states "killed by the evil inside me." This is just a personal interpretation and I really loved the way the sentences just floated together like a story. The word choice also keeps the reader interested, and I think you did a really great job on portraying that this person is suffering from what they have done. An excellent read indeed!
~Prez. T

godlypopo says...

Thanks! I really like your interpretation :D

Your welcome! I'm glad that you like my interpretation : )

User avatar
12 Reviews

Points: 612
Reviews: 12

Tue Jan 27, 2015 9:16 pm
View Likes
Sunnyanddinostomp wrote a review...

I really like this and I like that it's meant to be confusing because that's what I try to make my stories like. I feel like it sort of makes sense but some bits you have to really think about before you get what's going on, which I like. I really like the part in the fourth paragraph where you write "He killed all those I loved. The one I hate. The one I like. Thats when I see; I see that the man is me." and also "Knives fall from below me, landing in my head... Killing me... Saving me.". Basically I just like all of it. I leaves you to think for yourself a bit about the story behind this man, and why he's feeling like this and what his situation is. I might be thinking too literally about this but I just think it's a great piece of writing.

godlypopo says...

Thanks :D

User avatar
94 Reviews

Points: 2348
Reviews: 94

Tue Jan 27, 2015 7:24 pm
View Likes
Satira wrote a review...

wow. This feels like a nice big knot of metaphors.
I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or a good thing, it depends.
I dunno about it supposed to be confusing. Isn't writing supposed to be relatively clear? I mean, I'm a sucker for hazy, undefined endings and boundaries, so I guess I can't talk...

Now, nitpicks!
People don't describe their own fingers as 'bony'. They just don't, as a rule, I think. They don't describe themselves, usually. They won't describe their eyes as 'sky-blue' or their hair as 'honey brown.' They know what they look like, and since you're trying to become that character, you can't describe their features too descriptively, in a way that they wouldn't.

Did the knives land on his head or in his head?
The 'But I then I am faced with him' is abrupt, and does not make much sense in the context of the paragraph.
And lastly- if the man is 'evil', in whatever way, why is he going to heaven? I'm not a christian, or any religion in particular...and some would argue that God loves everyone, and all that. But it's just something to think about.
yep that's it! happy writing!

godlypopo says...

Got it, thanks.

User avatar
21 Reviews

Points: 2954
Reviews: 21

Mon Jan 26, 2015 11:15 pm
View Likes
Clickduncake wrote a review...

Hey Godlypopo! Clickdun here :3

So, you note that this is supposed to be confusing, which is kind of irritating. I can't think of much to say here. Critiques escape me as I try to figure out what your doing.
From what I can tell though, there's this dude, who's in prison, but someone let's him get away, by, um, killing himself.
I'm confused.
And I know that's the intention, but I seriously don't know what to say here.
So let's talk about your descriptiveness.
I am what you may call, a "blind reader" I don't exactly picture the event happening in my head. I can feel the characters feeling, feel the vertigo when they fall. Feel my heart ripped out when their friends die, but when it comes to actually picturing the event in my head? Completely lost.
But even with that description is still important, there are tons of people who have images flash in their head, I'm just not one of them.
So where's yours? I don't know.

My boney fingers curl around the cool bars;

Why are they boney? I thought this was a prison of (pardon the redundancy) thoughts.
So why are the bars cool? That means they at least have a small presence.
This story is good, just too awesome for my pea-brain to figure out.
Write on!
~Lord Clickdun~

godlypopo says...

Hello clickdun, thanks for the review. This piece has a more metaphorical meaning than a physical meaning; But I see that you had a hard time reading it, which is ok.

Besides, if you want perfection, write a haiku. Anything longer is bound to have some passages that don't work as well as they might.
— Philip Pullman