To my dearest one,
Far too long has time swept by
Without a word to and from.
I miss you.
Your auburn hair fluttering in the wind,
Your enchanting gems for eyes.
I miss your - smile.
Those subtle grins, those gasps of joy,
Each time numbing the outside world.
But crimson lips turn to ice,
As rosy cheeks fall to none.
At but a kiss, all glee is gone.
Silently did I sweep by,
With fools loving smile upon my face.
Closely I pulled you so
And with my hands, your eyes fall dead,
Forever chaste in your stead.
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139,852 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.
So, first thing I notice is that a few places don't flow well and some are missing commas. I will list them for you then tell you my thoughts on the poem.
1. "Far too long has time swept by" I love how this was worded and it reads like how I talk. A comma is needed after the word "by"
2. "Closely I pulled you so" A comma is needed after the word "so"
Otherwise I did not notice any other grammar or spelling mistakes. Keep up the good work!
Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, that you were once on a relationship and it got the point where they were just ignoring you and the whole thing just wasn't real anymore. You miss them but there is little you can do. Also, I think my favorite line would be "Those subtle grins, those gasps of joy,". Its the happy part of the relationship.
Overall I loved the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!
Hello godlypopo. I'm here to only give a comment. I love this poem. It is one of those poems I can relate to. Keep on writing poems.
Thank you <3
Absolutely exquisite! I'm glad to find some poetry that has a refreshing, antique touch. It honesty brings me back to a time where romance was real and in these days, unfortunately, there is no real romance anymore. I like, also the way that it's happiness so quickly falls into sadness.
I wonder, you don't have to tell me, if it's a personal experience? You definitely seem to feel what it feels like.
I'm a very critical editor, always pushing for the best in grammar, punctuation etc. etc. And here I can't find anything! The stanzas are incredibly places and nothing is cut short.
I thoroughly enjoy your poetry and I'm sure I'll read more.
Keep up the awesome work!
-Azaray
Absolutely exquisite! I'm glad to find some poetry that has a refreshing, antique touch. It honesty brings me back to a time where romance was real and in these days, unfortunately, there is no real romance anymore. I like, also the way that it's happiness so quickly falls into sadness.
I wonder, you don't have to tell me, if it's a personal experience? You definitely seem to feel what it feels like.
I'm a very critical editor, always pushing for the best in grammar, punctuation etc. etc. And here I can't find anything! The stanzas are incredibly places and nothing is cut short.
I thoroughly enjoy your poetry and I'm sure I'll read more.
Keep up the awesome work!
-Azaray
Absolutely exquisite! I'm glad to find some poetry that has a refreshing, antique touch. It honesty brings me back to a time where romance was real and in these days, unfortunately, there is no real romance anymore. I like, also the way that it's happiness so quickly falls into sadness.
I wonder, you don't have to tell me, if it's a personal experience? You definitely seem to feel what it feels like.
I'm a very critical editor, always pushing for the best in grammar, punctuation etc. etc. And here I can't find anything! The stanzas are incredibly places and nothing is cut short.
I thoroughly enjoy your poetry and I'm sure I'll read more.
Keep up the awesome work!
-Azaray
Whoops triple comment! Thank you so much!
Hello godlypopo! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
To my dearest one,
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
Far too long has time swept by
Without a word to and from.
{Add a "--" here to separate stanzas}
I miss you.
Your auburn hair fluttering in the wind,
Your enchanting gems for eyes.
I miss your{ }smile.
{--}
Those subtle grins, those gasps of joy,
Each time numbing the outside world.
But crimson lips turn to ice,
As rosy cheeks fall to none.
{--}
At but a kiss, all glee is gone.
Silently did I sweep by,
With fools loving smile upon my face.
{--}
Closely I pulled you so
And with my hands, your eyes fall dead,
Forever chaste in your stead.
Beautiful poem. It's very clear, professional imagery. The only true problem was with separating stanzas, but that's an easy fix. Keep up the good work.
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
Thank you for the review! I'll give you my soul if you get me food
**hands cookies**
here
Thankkkk
**noms soul**
yum
tastes like...
um...
candy.
Hello godlypopo, I really like your poem here, it is heart touching and simple to read and understand that being said I just have a few suggestions.
1. The rhyming scheme is missing, it gives the poem that uninterrupted flow and makes it catchy and attractive.
2.I love the line "Your enchanting gems for eyes." it represents a lot without actually going in depth about what you feel when you look into those eyes, but then again you could have been a bit more elaborate about the eyes as they are called windows to the soul it could have been a bit more descriptive.
3."Each time numbing the outside world." again this is a wonderful representation of what you feel this line is perfect for me at least.
Thank you so much! Note on the rhyming scheme, rhyme schemes are not essential for poetry and I felt trying for a rhyme scheme could ruin the poem a little in trying to rhyme. But I see where you are coming from!
Hi, godlypopo! Jash here for a quick review.
This is a really good line. I like this! It might seem lacking at first read, but on a second, it actually communicates enough whilst excluding unnecessary (or extra) words.
I don't like the lack of parallelism here. And saying someone has "enchanting gems" is a bit awkward? Try "Your auburn hair fluttering in the wind, / Your [insert an additional modifier] eyes as enchanting as gems." Or if you can think of something better than that (which I'm sure you would!) That suggestion sucks, but just to get my point across.
The hyphen might just be a distraction instead of having the effect that you want.
Cute line!
Everything else is almost straight-forward and easily understood but these lines, especially the second one, which has to a preposition before the conjunction, doesn't see to make much sense? At least to me.
I know this is poetry, but oh my, that shift of tense is confusing! Perhaps you can instead use past before present?
Perhaps "with this foolish lover's smile upon my face"? Just a suggestion.
Confusing "chopping" once again.
Overall, it's an okay read. It actually still needs a lot of work; but nonetheless, it has potential. I like the part where you repeated the word "sweep" to refer first to time, then the narrator. For me, that's pretty cool because it adds a bit of correlation between the two (which might just be a cool technique).
If you have any questions or violent reactions to my comments, feel free to reply, post a comment on my wall, or PM me!
Keep writing!
Jash x
Thank you for the advice! I'll take it into consideration for the future