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How to build a heart

by godlypopo


The trick is to follow the instructions,

Building block by block

Until you finish your creation

And secure with a lock.

-

There will be some hard parts,

Pieces that just don’t fit.

Just force them in there!

It’s all part of the kit.

-

There are rules you must follow

When forming your craft.

Letting it like whom it likes

Would surely be daft.

-

You’ve finally finished?

A job well done!

But there is one more thing,

To finish the fun!

-

Grab the glue

And hold that heart still.

No matter how much struggling

Security would not kill.

-

See as its beats

Grind to a slow,

Just like the rest of ours

Just like we know.

-

Congrats, you built a heart!

Just as the instructions said.

Now go, enjoy your life,

And don’t let silly love get to your head.


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21 Reviews


Points: 200
Reviews: 21

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Wed Feb 15, 2017 3:23 pm
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Frinderman wrote a review...



I like what you did here and I felt this was great humor for Valentines day. I do feel there are improvements that could be done though. I am not the best reviewer but I'll try my best.

At first glance:
I found this fun and silly as well as easy to read. However it did feel somewhat vague in some places and short and choppy in others. Imagery makes poetry but I felt there was a lot of potential for it that wasn't used enough. When imagery isn't presented well in a poem to really draw the reader into it, often times it just feels like reading simple sentences. Don't get me wrong! I didn't feel this was boring at all, I simply felt the imagery was fairly weak in a poem that has much potential for great imagery. That being said, while verses don't have to be long at all to be great, when they are short and also don't have much to them, they appear vague and choppy when combined with simple rhymes. I enjoy rhyming very much but it also is important to make them work well so that it doesn't seem forced.

Specifics:
First Stanza-
I don't have much to say about the first stanza, however I felt the last (4th) verse was a bit awkward. The grammar felt weird combined with the 3rd verse, "Until you finish your creation, and secure with a lock"

Second Stanza-
Definitely a lack of imagery/clarification in my opinion, simply because it glosses over what "hard parts" are, as well as details about "the kit". Verse two I felt could sound better as "Pieces that don't quite fit."

Third Stanza-
I know its just me, but these were instructions, so why in the first verse do they now become rules? Verses 3 and 4 honestly just don't sound well and Im sure you could improve them. The grammar seemed weird and this part seemed the most force rhymed.

Fourth Stanza-
The only thing I felt about this stanza was that it seemed kind of bland, if that makes sense. There wasn't much importance to it.

Fifth Stanza-
Okay, I really liked where you were going with this, however you really dropped the potential imagery for this. Grammatically, verses 3 and 4 did not make much sense. But this is where you have some very high potential!

Sixth Stanza-
Once again, I felt this was a bit bland and has a lot of potential. Verse 2 was very odd and didn't seem to fit. I am not sure if it was a lack of description or faulty grammar.

Seventh Stanza-
I liked how you ended this poem, however verse 1 seemed off with the use of "congrats" instead of simply saying congratulations, because this didn't really go with the flow of the rest of the poem. Verse 4 was great but it also was off in the flow of reading it because the rest of the poem's verses were short in comparison.

Overall:
I really liked your poem and it was great for the occasion. There is a lot of potential for this and I hope you consider revising, adding, and or recycling this idea. I apologize if I came off as overly critical but I hope to see more!
Have a great day and keep on writing.
^-^




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48 Reviews


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Tue Feb 14, 2017 9:25 pm
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shima wrote a review...



Funny and very fitting for valentine. Loved the rhyming, btw. Loved the darker bits, about how some parts should be forced if they do not fit naturally (stalking much ? It is a subject you don't usually joke about). The last part feels very real and very familiar for me personally (since I know some people who enjoy life more if they are lonely and not in a relationship). Like I said - very nice poem. You get the message across in a short time and using a small amount of words, which is always very nice and enjoyable.

Hopefully you manage to write more similar poems

Shima over and out.




godlypopo says...


Thank you!



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Tue Feb 14, 2017 9:02 pm
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GoldenQuill says...



This is absolutely amazing! The beat is perfect -- the rhyming is an extra touch that makes me happy. This has the same "happy cynicism" that things such as Fallout have, and it's a style I absolutely adore. I wish I had something to critique, but I do not! Absolutely in love with this work. Great job!




godlypopo says...


Thank you so much x



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Points: 154
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Tue Feb 14, 2017 7:43 pm
Moraca101 says...



May I ask what is happening in the fifth stanza, it is a bit unclear.




godlypopo says...


The "heart" is being forced to stay in the wanted form for it. The glue is representative of an imposed structure being placed upon in in caution that it can't change



Moraca101 says...


thank you!




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