Just tell me.
-
If you hate me,
I really don't mind.
I'd rather that
than you be kind.
-
If you love me,
though there's no chance,
I'd want to know
that there's romance.
-
Here's an invite,
Want to come?
Who wants "Bored party of ten."
I'd prefer "Close party of one."
-
At my funeral,
would you cry?
Or would you be joyful
as soon as I die?
-
But what is worse
than your lies?
Keeping it forever
ignoring my cries.
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,752 Reviews
Hmmm, I dont like peering, but I wonder in oder to write this you had to have felt this way about someone at some point of time which is quiet sadding. I actually teared up at thought ms. Creativiteas I could not think of something like this happening to some one as kind as you. So I am going to review this real quick. It was very emtional and you hit all nerves on this as I think all people have felt this or are going to feel this way at some point of time. I just hope for it to get better for everyone.
-From one sad reviwer Holiday
i really relate to this
This is Kaos here for a review!
I really liked the concepts or themes of the poem as they were relatable and felt like they worked.
One of my main problems with the poems is the flow and rhyming. In some of the stanzas, you're rhyming, but in others, you're not. I think a fair rule to go by, is that you rhyme, or you don't. I can see this fitting as a rhyming poem, but you'd have to acknowledge the strains that rhyme can put on the poem itself.
These lines felt weak to me. The rhyming is fine, it's more the structure and lack of imagery that bothers me. There doesn't feel like there's any variation in line length, which if it goes on like this for awhile, it degrades the poem and makes it feel repetitive. Imagery is the marrow and flesh to your bone structure of the poetry. Expand your vocabulary with poetry, I find this to make poetry much stronger. Just the simple change of a word like "hate" to one of its stronger synonyms helps the poem a lot.
This is a relatable and angsty stanza though I feel you should cut down on the commas or make this two lines instead of just one whole one. I also feel that if you left it alone it would be okay, so this isn't any concrete input that I'm giving you. I enjoyed the cleverness of the last line as well.
The first two lines feel awkward and need rewording done to them. I also felt like the "Rather than" of the third line /could/ be changed. The first two lines are weaker than the last two, and you need to elaborate. Elaborate on the lines that you write in poems instead of keeping them short or restrained. In all seriousness, the lines aren't bad, it just feels like there's a lot of wasted potential with unused metaphors or imagery.
I think that the person that you're speaking to in the poem or who it's directed to would be more relieved and not happy if this was the case? It would be more down-to-earth it seems if you did it that way, because I'm sure someone wouldn't really be happy due to a death and if they did, guilt most likely would come with it. This is more of an analysis on your choice of words or portrayal than anything else.
The ending of the poem is short and sweet, but I feel like the "concealed with smiles" thing is a bit of awkward imagery to have for a lie or it more interrupts the flow. I guess what I've been trying to say the whole poem is that the flow feels clunky and awkward as well. I suggest to read the poem aloud and see if it runs smoothly when you do, or just read it in your head to see.
I hope this helped and have a great day!
Edits have been done. Some stuff will be changed later ^-^
Hello~
I hope your September is going wonderfully! This is a cute poem.
This stanza is the only one that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. In the next few, the narrator wants the person he/she is speaking to to love him/her. So why is hatred better than kindness? Is it just that he or she would rather be enemies than friends if they can't be together? I'm a little confused.
I think the last line really is a bit too long considering the first two which are so short and succinct. You could say "I'd choose 'close party of one.'" That way you'd get rid of at least one syllable- read it out loud and see what you think, though.
I think you should change one to you, to be more specific. Unless, of course, you aren't talking about the same person. And I think you could also make the rhyme tighter by saying something like, "After I die?" for the last line.
Ah! Don't let your rhymes shove you around! You've been pretty good with them this whole time, but considering this is the first slant rhyme, and you've been keeping up a consistent pattern, I think you should play around with the wording here until you get a better fit.
Alright, that's all. Nice job here!
-Falco
Edits have been done. The whole hate thing is about pretend friends. I'd much rather they stayed away than pretend to like me.
Chilow is here for a review
Here we go;
Cheers
What I really love about poetry is that it is so utterly unrestricted by format or such defining things as subject and genre. I'll start off by saying that I really love the way you structured this poem; a lot of people go for a well defined structure and scheme, /or/ nice rhyming, but a disappointingly few people are able to use both to good effect. I must commend you on your ability to do just that; I think it adds to the readability of your works, and makes an already enjoyable read all that much better
On the subject of.... well, subject, I have a bit of a soft spot for melancholic works, and this one is certainly no exception. The idea of not knowing how someone feels about you can be really distressing, especially if it truly matters to you to know, whether it be good or bad feelings that they harbour. I for one can really relate to this as I always would like to know how someone sees me, whether they hate me or love me is really of little consequence, it would only make it easier to appropriately interact with them.
^Not sure what I was ranting about exactly, moving on;
Overall, I really thoroughly enjoyed reading this and I'm sure that others will as well, and the only thing I could find to point out and improve upon (This is nitpicking, I apologize) would be in the lines "I'd rather that, then you be kind." I believe that "than" would be more at home in the context than "then." Outside of this liiiiiitle thing, great job! I like your style and I will absolutely be reading more of your poetry in future! Keep up the fantastic writing
Thank you so much!
Wow. This is really super good. I'm more of a novel person than poetry (because I'm sort of awful at writing poems :b), but this is really really good. I like how you go from group to group of lines, from even to event of life!
You really expressed a love and understanding of how people feel. Instead of wanting someone to be fake, we want to know the truth. The unknown tends to scare us!
Awesome writing, awesome message, awesome everything!
Shea
Thank you