Shall I compare you to a blood-red gem?
Your justice catches the eye of many.
One's reputation like a broken trend,
Thought of as a monster of felony.
Even if you fight all of our demons,
No one cares what you behold at heart;
Even if you try to help us humans,
No one sees your life as a work of art.
But maybe some realise your intent,
And all of your work is something more...
A smile from you? Their souls would have lept-
Don't you think that thought is really something?
Hopefully now one's soul can truely rest,
and one's own ideas aren't put to the test.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Lol, So I see you two like to play on the dangerous side of Christianity huh??? Now you know for a fact I would love this sonnet simply because of my awesome book I am writing, "Satan Children" Which I think I am going to make into a full on series.......But sonnet is saying the very same thing I am saying, been saying.....no one knows what really happened. For all we know the devil, Satan, Lucifer, or whatever you you may call him maybe a good angle who had a father who was scared that his son was going to become to powerful. With that said, if you feel like you might loose control of something or someone what do we humans do....we put is or that person down so that we would not loose our power and for all we know that is what God did. I mean we have the bible, but that was written by man and we all know that humans lie...its in our nature. But overall I loved this poem and I am glad I could find at least one person who isn't bias on the whole god and Satan thing.
Thanks for understanding mate! It's good to have an awesome reviewer like you
The poem is quite good. this is the perfect sonnet in all sense that i have seen so far on YMS. i liked your way of looking at things and how you find the good out of the devil. it is really interesting to view this through your eyes.
"Even if you try to help us humans,
No one sees your life as a work of art."- satan doesn't really do any work of art. it is the work of devil. so think over it and i am sure you would find a better word to comprehend here.
"Hopefully now one's soul can truely rest,
and one's own ideas aren't put to the test."
a correction of spelling is needed in the word " truely" make it truly. and you see i would rather prefer the would " ideals " in place of ideas as you say.
you have huge potential and your talent should not be restrained. try taking care of these points that i suggested and you would make a good writer.
keep writing,
Rituparna
Hi there, godlypopo.
First of all, I love the subject. Not many people would think about writing a sonnet for Satan. It reminded me of something I once heard, that everyone prays for everyone on earth, but no one prays for Satan.
Now, I really enjoy a lot of the intent behind this, but the execution falls a little flat.
You start by talking in Shakespearean English, and then you drop it. You should keep the language consistent throughout the poem. It's only fourteen lines.
The last two lines are strange and out of place. Since when are your ideas being tested? I'm so confused. The last lines of a poem should tie the whole thing together, and these last lines are not functioning.
If you really want this to be a Shakespearean sonnet, you need to put this into iambic pentameter. You have a good example in your pilfered first line. The rhythm of iambic pentameter is da DA da DA da DA da DA. You don't really have much of that anywhere in the poem other than the first line. So if you really want to call this a sonnet, you might have to do some major surgery.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! happy YWSing!
I have tried the Shakespearian language but it seems a bit forced, did what I could. Also I have altered the last line a little - it was meant to relate to the idea that everyone thinks that he is evil when he punishes evil. I'm sorry I abused the rules a little bit but I only had a problem with a half of iambic pentameter and managed to follow the rest of the rules. If I were to include the iambic pentameter I would have to change everything which would be worthless
Writing is rewriting.
Heya godlypopo, pretzelsing here for a review of your sonnet. I don't believe that I have reviewed anything else of yours before, and you can thank the YWS Cup for this(and of course that you are front page featured)As just a side note, in your title, you should capitalize the word "Sonnet" because you capitalize the first and last word and the all the words in between except article/conjunctions,etc.
Anyways, let's begin,shall we?
First thing is that I would capitalize the first letter of every line in your poem, not only where the periods end. This is just to keep it all consistent, if you see what I mean,godly.
Justice
I personally always imagine Satan as carrying himself around with some stiff and authoritative posture and a sly,crinkly,evil smile That's how I always imagined them.
Put a question mark at the end, because the narrator,whoever that is, is actually asking question of him. Also I want to,but can't understand. What thought are you talking about here? The thought of Satan smiling or maybe of souls leaping or maybe of something totally different? Maybe you could explain yourself here what that thought is(reply below because I know that you actually have limited lines and syllables in your poems)
Since one's is possessive you should put an apostrophe s right there.
Here is a double-negative, a big nono in writing.A double negative cancels the meaning out so what you are really saying here is:
"Your work is for nothing"
I would fix that by saying:
"and all of your work is for something more" (tried to keep the 10 syllable pattern going here
[/quote]
This kind of steals the whole glory and ending of this poem. I personally don't like when narrators talk about themselves in a poem, when they have completely not used that and that at the ending they suddenly just throw this in <,<
I would substitute this line for something else, because this feels like you might have been in a rush.
I like the idea of this poem, and it was almost all grammatically correct but I think that it still needs some work. I know how hard this could be to edit but that is just because you have to follow the sonnet syllabus- 14 lines with 10 syllables each, which is hard to contain that same number if you have to edit it
Anyways I hope that this review truly helps you improve your writing. If you have any questions you could always reply below >.<
KEEP ON WRITING!!
Thank you for the review. Just a side note - I think that Satan shows justice since since he is punishing all those who have done evil in the world. He seems to be the discarded little brother and the reason he has his job today is probably close to Scar's story in lion king. Sonnets are supposed to be written from the heart so that's why I have different views.
Oh yeah! The line about thought is referring to the full line beforehand XD
Demons! Monsters! Evil creatures!
Just kidding, but I really wasn't expecting to see something like this o.o
It's a bit ironic that you wrote about Satan when your name is "godlypopo".
Anyway, let's get to the grammar stuff, shall we?
"Realise" is a misspelling and should be "realize", easy fix.
Neither "lept" nor "leapt" seem to be a word, according to my spell check, but I'm just noting that, not sure how to fix it
Last one, "sonnet" should be capitalized in the title. Just to even it out.
I don't really see any other mistakes. While this is a strange topic, I enjoyed reading it and hearing the rhyme. Also, a sonnet! It's not a poem, it's a sonnet! I haven't seen a sonnet on YWS before
Great job, godly.
Keep writing!
-Jules
Haha thanks JKHatt! One thing, I'm British so my spelling is a little different (realise is the British spelling)
Of course, sorry
My computer's spellcheck is against British-English XD