(Here is a small snippet of one of my new stories: Unlucky
Since I am already underway with another story, I thought I would show you guys this and you can give me feedback on the introduction.)
Circus music surrounds me at this very moment. I'm trapped. Darkness encases me in a room with no exit. I can only faintly make out the small dolls that stand around me. Sunken eyes stare into me, pricking at each nerve; they have those sickly grins that stretch out to their long, chalk white hair. They seem to be breathing in most of the air, leaving me with the thick, dry stuff. I want, I need to get outside but there's nowhere to go. Help me, anyone, please. I struggle and struggle to escape this place nothing works. Nothing at all. But that's not the worst of it... No, footsteps sound in the distance. He's coming back, to taunt me. I don't know how long I have left before-
There was a click as the lock twisted on the far side of the room. "Ooh I spy a person!” It was not Dr. Carnival that stood before me, but a girl with a mischievous look in here mismatched eyes. She seemed quite normal compared to what I have previously experienced but…
Something was off.
She had a long brown ponytail that hung down limply on her shoulder covering a frilly purple pocket on her chest-she, for some reason, was in pajamas. The thing that truly stood out, however, was her blue eye-it seemed to be poking out a little and had a trail of stained blood clinging to her freckled face below it. As well as this her other, green, eye had an almost psychotic look in it.
The girl tilted her head at me, “You seem lost. You okay?” it was an innocent gesture before rushing up to me. “Let me see your eyes! They’re blue? So beautiful, you know that? Hey, come with me I can take you somewhere safe!” Her voice was frantic and she had a large grin that took up her face as she hastily untied me and grabbed my arm.
That was when the dolls realised what was happening. In a panicked attempt to cut us off they slammed the door; by the time the door had shut we were already flying through the building giving me my first view of where I really was-a circus tent that was barely there due to something burning it. Charcoal still floated around us in slow motion as we sped toward the exit and all I could see was blurred images of different attractions that seemed to be frozen in time. This strange girl was very fast for a normal person.
She looked back at me, still grinning. “The names Nicola nightmare! What’s yours?”
“I’m - uh – Sam!” I shouted back. Who was this Nicola nightmare? Why was she here? What could she possibly want with me? I was so confused that it must have shown.
“Hi Uh-Sam.” She chuckled in an attempt to lighten my mood, it worked and I laughed with her as she looked forward once more and we had finally arrived at the exit. She took a sudden stop causing me to fly forward and land on my back painfully; Nicola tried the door, which opened with a screech. But, instead of pondering over why it was open, she grabbed onto me once more and we burst into the darkness of the night.
***
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140,645 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
Hi Ms. Creativity I haven't read a piece of your work in a while but I must say after finally getting some time off to do so you still got the bone chilling effect on me. I hate horror/suspense books as I told you from reading your work for the very first time, but you are so gifted with writing that I cant help but to want to read more of your stories. I love how you described Nicola, and I could physically see her in my mind. And your ability to make a plot.....Uncanning. Nothing like I ever read before. Your cliff hanger you executed perfectly as you dragged me into this world you titled unlucky. I really do love your writing style and hey I finally work my way around to the book I would like to do the collaboration on if you still interested. Now for my review, 0. Your writing was perfect and I understood the story plot. I was able to figure out who was the main character and what was going on. You had one error and Idk if you meant to do it that way but you put "Nicola nightmare" When it should read "Nicola Nightmare" Since I gather that's her name. But overall great story my friend I would give this two thumbs up.
Thank you! I always love hearing reviews from you
I'm just planning a story with my frind at the moment but I would love to collaborate with you!
Alright just p.m. when you are ready
Will do ^-^ (This may be around the weekend time (Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday)
Hey there godlypopo. I just dropped by for a quick review.
I came across your story in the green room, saw the title and thought I have to read this. After reading I felt that I had to review. I see that you said it was an intro to another story and I would love to read that too.
Thoughts
-Oh my. Are you sure you don't write for The Twilight Zone? You may want to consider this as a job choice.
-Very chilling, creepy, and mysterious. If this was the mood you were looking for, you have succeeded my friend.
-I really liked your story and was instantly drawn to it. Great attention grabber. I did not see any grammatical errors but you may want to check one more time to be safe.
That's all I have for now. Keep writing.
Happy Review Day.
-lizzy
Thank you! ^-^
Hi Felistia here with a review.
First I love the start, it builds up a perfect amount of tension and suspense. The description adds a dark mood to the piece and makes it more emotional.
I do have a problem with the line “Well, well look who we have here!” it is a well used line and is boring to read.
The second problem is when the dolls slam the door and lock it. They will have noticed that Sam has left the locker before they lock the door. You can say the dolls slammed the door, but don't put in the locked it part. Other than that great piece of writing and I look forwarded to the story.
Have a good day\night.
Thank you
I have taken your ideas in to account.
much better.