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Young Writers Society



Lonely(English Task)

by godlypopo


The bath bomb fizzles into a dull purple that drags me into despair. It surrounds me in a pool of isolation as I tumble through my thoughts of today – reflected in the water around me. Why did I say that…? Spite propels me into regretful shaking that causes my hand to bounce as it lifts from the water. The slosh of water trickles into my ears as I am bathed in silence practically seconds after. Silence is a beautiful thing; it basks in the close loneliness of this world – more powerful than any word.

I find myself staring into the rapid shivers of my fingers as I swirl in and out of consciousness. What’s the point? I am so consumed by each crease and colour of my hands that I fail to hear the creaking of the bathroom door, breaking the silence. There’s something holding me now; I’m being shaken back and forth. But I don’t want to wake up – I bring my hands to my face to draw me to darkness. I scream.

***

It’s the morning after. My ears are being broken by screams of students and my nose tingles at the stench of forbidden food. I’m bobbing back and forth as the bus rolls on- closer toward the mad house known as ‘school’. Desperately, I trace my eyes along the windows as I search for a way out, but I’m trapped, concealed even, in between the creatures of noise.

A figure slumps down beside me with a grin that pierces through my blurry vision. Great! My mind hissed, yet another person who thinks they can ‘fix me’. The urge to hide in the darkness of my palms is overwhelming, but acting like that will only make things worse.

“Hey!” A female voice sings.

I mumble a pathetic “Hey” in reply, avoiding eye contact with the figure bouncing next to me. A sigh follows and they begin to talk to the other figures around us. I relax a little and place my chin onto my cool palm as I stare idly out of the window. Almost there - only one minute and thirty two seconds to go.

Crunching on the pebbles of the car park, we roll into the gates of the large asylum that towers above us. I stumble off the bus and drag my heavy feet toward the door - the urge to hide compelling me as I near the cobble steps that await me. It isn’t too long, however, until I find myself standing in the warm main entrance that wraps me up in fake security. This warmth is soon lost as I step into my draft-filled class; a cold wind hits me causing a dizziness to swirl across my eyes. Sitting in my wooden chair, I return to the soothing black of my hands, blocking out the world that stoops around me.

I hate figures, they’re so… Pointless. I don’t understand them - I don’t understand anything. Smiles dance around me all the time - happiness fulfills them all. That’s what they tell you though, always to be happy. To be brainless. I won’t be happy though; I won’t fall to that mind-numbing drug.


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104 Reviews


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Thu Mar 29, 2018 6:56 pm
Holiday30 says...



Not scary story and yet I still got a bone chilling feel afterwards. Lol, you already know I call you one of the most talented writers I have talk to. I love your stories, and this one was great. I do feel like home girl might need a hug or something....very depressing.




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Thu Oct 27, 2016 12:43 am
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Killyouwithwords wrote a review...



This is wonderful writing for your age. Did you go back and edit it after or is this exactly how you wrote it in your English class? Everything's clear and precise. For the most part you kept it very realistic and made it easy to imagine being this person. However, I found some of the writing was just a little bit over dramatic. I know that it's easy to overstate things sometimes, even if they're emotions we relate to really well. This problem was mainly centered in the first two lines though and was lacking in the rest of the piece. Something about "drags me into despair" and "pool of isolation" seemed inauthentic. As somebody who's battled with loneliness i can honestly say I couldn't relate to those lines. But the thing is you do so well in the rest of the story, I don't want to sound rude and nit picky by talking about just the opening. But it is the most important part :)
Anyway, the rest of it was really great! I loved the imagery of the bus pulling into the school, and the cold draft in the class room. I'm also in love with the last line, "I won't be happy though; I won't fall to that mind-numbing drug."
Overall this is one of the best pieces I've read on YWS in a long time.




godlypopo says...


I didn't edit it after and I agree with the over dramatic thing haha. Thank you so much though! :D



godlypopo says...


I didn't edit it after and I agree with the over dramatic thing haha. Thank you so much though! :D



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Tue Oct 25, 2016 6:22 pm
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wow! this is good




godlypopo says...


Thank you!



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Tue Oct 25, 2016 5:00 pm
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Paradaux wrote a review...



Hey there! This is pretty damn good for only 45 minutes it seems so well thought out and certainly well written.

I really love how you described the first scene of yourself in a bath and your thoughts being described very vaguely. I love your use of italics for dialogue and Em Dashes for separating thoughts however I think you may have over used them just a tad bit.

The images you are describing are very vivid and I feel as if I can actually see this happening before my very eyes. Your use of adjectives is certainly not what I could see among my classmates seeing as they all suck at english haha.

Your description of your travel to school is something that definitely had me empathise with you, I too dread of the madhouse they call 'school.' Your use of adjectives certainly creates an invisible circle that isolates you from your peers until the figure slumps down beside you.

Certainly the thought of people having to fix you makes me believe there's something wrong when there probably isn't other then depression that you're in the 'madhouse' as you describe which too is something I can empathise as this is clearly something that would remind me of my own anti social tendencies. I also love how you described your school as an asylum which really brings home on how you called it a madhouse.




godlypopo says...


Thank you for the review! I agree about the dashes thing aha (it's becoming a bad habit)


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so what is it about?


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I can write this type of stuff, although my specialty is poetry.




No man or woman who tries to pursue an ideal in his or her own way is without enemies.
— Daisy Bates