Slice(continued from paragraph-not finished)
A light flickered above me as I lay there, staring up toward an empty ceiling. Slowly, I sat up-groaning at the effort. The cold concrete chilled my skin to the bone; I appeared to be in some sort of warehouse. I don't know if it was the endless void that ripped up my memory or just the continues curiosity biting at my mind that got me up to explore. Faint drops of some sort of liquid, probably water, echoed around me, disrupting the silence.
"Hello?" I weakly attempted to see if there was any sort of life that hid from my very eyes. A sound of metal clattering helplessly came from behind me, "This isn't funny!" A faint sound of scattering to my side. A bubbling feeling of rage surfaced within me-making me want to scream. "Please will you just-"
"Shut up and be quiet", the sudden sound of talking made me jump, "Who are you?" It sounded like a girls voice but the slightest groan in the voice made it nearly impossible to tell. "Earth to newbie, I asked you a damn question!"
"I-I don't know anything," the feeling of rage dissolved and in its place was fear, "I really don't"
"Well you must know your name," I could hear the faint glimmer of sarcasm that creped into the voice, "or do I just make up a name for you hmm? How about tiny? Or idiot? yeah idiot sounds good."
"What about tiny idiot?" Another voice, this time a boy's.
"Shut up Vaika! Now I'm going to ask you one more time what is your-"
"Amber! My name is Amber!" The words floated out of me so unexpectedly, that I had no way of stopping myself. Silence. Slowly a body emerged from the darkness of the room-a girl dressed in mucky rags approached me. She had blond knotty hair which was unevenly cut at her shoulders, a massive grin covered her face; "And you are?"
"The names skip, nice to meet you Amber!" Her grimy hand shot out at me. Confused, I looked at the hand and waited for something to happen. Skip rolled her eyes and grabbed my hand to do the weirdest thing I have ever seen...she shook it up and down."Oh don't tell me you have never had a hand shake before, or even remember one! God, you newbies are getting dumber by the arrival." Skip turned her head and shouted, "Guys she's harmless! She cant even remember how to shake hands, you can come out!" Bodies emerged from everywhere; it was like something out of a bad dream-getting surrounded by random people you have never seen before in your life.
Each one of them were covered in grime and dirt. Smiles danced across their faces.
One of the boys slowly walked toward me, analysing my every blink. "Well, if your memory is shit then you must have been put here-none of us remember a damn thing."
"That's nice..." I replied, "Now are you going to tell me what the hell I am doing here, or will you guys keep circling me, saying nothing?"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Lol I feel the suspense in the air, but not fear like the first part to this story. But whatever because it still have captivating words that kept me interested.my question is was Amber the person at the beginning of the story or was that a different poor soul who got caught???/ lol either way I love your story and I cant wait to read part 3.
Lol I feel the suspense in the air, but not fear like the first part to this story. But whatever because it still have captivating words that kept me interested.my question is was Amber the person at the beginning of the story or was that a different poor soul who got caught???/ lol either way I love your story and I cant wait to read part 3.
A lot of people seem to be confusing writing a review with correcting people's grammar.
I don't really know how to review anything when it comes to writing or plot-pacing, so don't take anything I tell you to heart.
What I liked:
>staring up toward an empty ceiling
>A sound of metal clattering helplessly came from behind me
>The words floated out of me so unexpectedly, that I had no way of stopping myself
Did not like/needs work
>The cold concrete floor that lay below me chilled my skin to the bone
You're being overly wordy here. try:
>The cold concrete floor chilled my skin to the bone
It's a floor, it doesn't need to be specified whether or not it's below you
>Suddenly bodies emerged from everywhere; it was like something out of a bad dream-getting surrounded by random people you have never seen before in your life
First part of the sentence isn't bad, maybe drop the 'suddenly', but the second part needs some work. It just sounds awkward. I had to read it twice before I could decode what you meant.
>I could make out about 30 kids were circling me
Again, this sounds awkward. Read what you write out loud or in your head first.
I couldn't really tell you if your plot pacing's good or bad, but I didn't see anything wrong with it.
Thank you I will add those changes right away
anytime sugar
Hello!
Keep writing!
SnazzyPencil here for a review!
I only found a couple of nitpicks...
"who are you?"
who should be Who.
"this isn't funny"
this should be This.
Unless you are still continuing on from the quotation before, then I think it should be,
"-this isn't funny"
But I am not for sure. I only found a few others like this, but that is all!
-SnazzyPencil
Fixed it
Good Job!!
-SnazzyPencil