z

Young Writers Society



Straitjacket

by godlypopo


I'm trapped, bound by a straitjacket that confines me wherever I dare to venture. My legs are free to walk the earth but my hands are restricted to my back, too much freedom will not suffice. Every day I'm wrapped up in commands, forced to sit with a pattern containing invisible rules that must be followed - what is creativity? I would not know.

I stagger down the stairs toward the exit of my shelter, a heavy bag of pointless subjects almost makes me trip. But the program wants me out, the program controls my moves just like a pawn on a chess board - sacrificial and a worthless face. It's just a game to those in charge. My hands are released from the straitjacket for that one precious second, but I'm not quick nor strong enough to resist the program that guides my fingers toward the handle. Shaking, it grips the cool handle that pricks at my skin, and easily, it turns to show me the blinding light that bombards me from the outside. 

Back in the confines of wrapped up arms, the program's powerful hand pushes me forward and I stumble into the 'bustling' town that lies before me. I join them, and we walk toward the set locations of our weekdays. Each person's face is covered by a mask as no one dares to reveal their story. We are all walking stories clouded by fake ones formatted by a world that sucks up happy endings. We walk along the given path, in fear of punishment if we dare write our own.

Closer, I near the tall building that is wrapped in false security - it's time to learn some more lies. But as I step within the gates, a strange orb wrapped in blue glints from beside the school of black and white. Enticed by it's ambiguity, I step off the track and wander toward it, my straightjacket loosening with every step. Once I'm confronted by its brilliant glow, an ocean blue orb floats toward me capturing my eyes in a trance as the straight jacket drops from my body. I reach out and I touch it. Everything goes white for a second as a blast of wind smacks the mask off of my face. 

The white settles and I'm surrounded by colour. The sky lies light blue and the grass drifts with green. I spin to look down at the mask that sits beside me and I find myself bending to pick it up. The smile stretched across it curls at me menacingly from within my hands; I snap the mask in two with frustration and toss it aside as I run toward the dumbfounded students that stand outside the school. 

There's no straitjackets, there's no masks. Just genuine smiles from genuine stories. I'd heard about the blue orb. . . It was told as a myth of our freedom, a gateway to a new age. Some say that it holds a person, one that embraces you upon contact. Some say it's a trick formed to make us feel 'love'.

But what if it is neither? What if it's just there to act as a notice to all?

"Your story is yours, look for the good parts."


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6 Reviews


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Sun Nov 13, 2016 3:47 pm
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Tiptoe wrote a review...



Hey Tiptoe here for a review! (Excuse me if the review is bad I'm new)

I really enjoyed this piece as it had a good description to action ratio which added to the whole numess of the work. You started off really strong with the monotone atmosphere and the straitjacket motif acting as an overall deep message that made the reader think. The imagery is also particularly strong as it helps to emphasise the message you want to convey. From what I'm guessing it seems to portray the restrictions of society forcing us into a flat persona.

My only nitpick would be the part about the orb. It doesn't make too much sense to the story's message so I would reccomend making it something like a glowing figure or something to bring out the idea of acceptance and colour ^^

Overall an interesting and meaningful piece and I can't wait to see more from you.

:D




godlypopo says...


Thank you!



godlypopo says...


Thank you!



godlypopo says...


Thank you!



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Mon Nov 07, 2016 7:37 am
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Hattable wrote a review...



Hii godlypopo!
To be honest, I only clicked on this story to post my previous comment (correcting 'straight jacket' >> ). I thought it would be a poem at first, as I saw it in the People tab and that doesn't show genres; but nope, short story!
The shortness of it, paired with me feeling that you might not appreciate the previous comment, or at least just on its own ( >> ) is the reason for this review, so--!

I hope it's okay that I mostly just focus on grammar stuff in reviews.:-:

Every day I'm wrapped up in commands, forced to follow a pattern with invisible rules that must be followed

Follow/followed is too repetitive, could you think of another word?
It's just game to those in charge.

*A game(?)
I join them and we walk toward the set locations of our week days.

I think a comma after “them” would sound a bit better, and 'weekdays' is one word, I believe (unless you spell it differently innnn... the UK, is it?)
We are all walking stories clouded by fake ones formatted by a world that sucks up happy endings.

I liked this sentence. Deep and philosophical.
But as I step within the gates, a strange colour known as blue glints from beside the school of black and white.

“A strange colour known as blue” feels really odd, but I'm not sure how you could change it because you can't exactly describe colors, y'know? If anything, I'd at least recommend mulling over this part a bit and thinking of how else to word it, but that's just a suggestion. ^^
I step off the track and wonder toward it,

Honestly, whenever I see this I can't tell if it's a common typo or a proper use of the word “wonder”. I always assume people mean “wander”, but I could definitely be wrong.
Once I'm confronted by it's brilliant glow

*Its, apostrophes only apply to “it” if used as a contraction of “it is” (or “it has”, I guess, but that's kinda really informal and possibly unofficial? XP) But yeah, possessive with “it” is just “its”. There may have been other instances prior to this sentence that made the same mistake, but I clearly didn't pick up on them. >>
I reach out. I touch it.

I used to do tiny sentences like this that could easily be strung together but were kept separate for “dramatic effect” or whatever other bogus I came up with. Not saying it's bogus for you, or that that's what you're doing, but I feel like this could benefit from putting the two together (“I reach out and touch it”).
This way works, as well, though. Purely a suggestion.
The smile stretched across it curls at me menacingly within my hands

“curls at me menacingly within my hands” sounds odd. It makes sense, but it took me a couple read-overs to really work it out. I'd suggest something else, perhaps “curls at me menacingly from within my hands”? Or “between my hands”. Just suggestionsss
I've heard about the blue orb. . .

Seeing as they seemingly just encountered it(?) I think “I'd” would be the proper wording(?) though I'm unsure of what you wanted to go for here.


In conclusion, not too many errors or problems, just some suggestions here and there. I enjoyed reading this; the commentary seems, to me, to refer to the lack of creative-encouragement in schools? Though I'm not one to dig around looking for meanings and then dish them up like “I think this meant this”, so if that's wrong, excuse me.;-;
Good read, again, though! ^^

- Hatt

P.S. and, as mentioned, the correct spelling is straitjacket, unless it's not for whatever reason and I look like a complete fool




godlypopo says...


Thanks for the review! I'll work on corrections later ^-^



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141 Reviews


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Mon Nov 07, 2016 7:17 am
Hattable says...



>>
<<
*straitjacket




godlypopo says...


AAHHH



godlypopo says...


FIXED



Hattable says...


BUT IT'S NOT FIXED, IT STILL SAYS "straightjacket" THERE'S NO G OR H

xp
also, was working on review, so there you go c:



godlypopo says...


DAMN



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Mon Nov 07, 2016 12:47 am
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MoonLitTragedy says...



I love how you ended the first paragraph. Many of your wordings are very intriguing, and I love the entire idea of this story. I also like how you ended the story. You also do very well with spelling/grammar. There isn't anything I would change, and the imagery in this was great, too. This is an excellent narrative and I'd love to see more from you.




godlypopo says...


Thank you! :D




To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.
— Proverbs 18:13