*This story is underneath my folder titled “Josefina’s desires”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33 [2]”. Enjoy!*
Beverly felt like her heart would very nearly stop when she read the letter in Caspar’s hands over his shoulder. She was walking to the front door to pick up the mail when she saw that Caspar had already done so. Their daughter, Suzanne, on the other hand, was too busy playing with toys on the carpet on the living room floor to care or notice.
But Caspar didn’t flinch. Not once. He was drafted in war, and he had to give it his all in the fight.
He turned towards Beverly and gave her a kiss on the cheek, just so she would know that he’d be okay.
Because he was always okay, and when the war was over, he’d come back to embrace his family close.
Caspar’s heart lifted a little at the thought, but Beverly felt no comfort from such an action. She smiled at him, holding back tears that felt like they’d make her choke completely, hoping that he’d be one of the lucky ones.
Suzanne just kept on playing with her toys.
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hello @creeperfeverdreams Detective Ira here, I have apparently stumbled upon your manuscript while searching for clues in the Devil’s Library, which is where I believe the ancient magical book of Toramu is hidden. Since I’m already here, I shall give my opinion on this piece of yours.
Though I have to say it is very strange that I should find your writing here……. hmmm…..
What I can see
oooo I quite like this one! The dramatic moments are well done and it really had that 'holding your breath' feel to the suspense. Considering it is quite short that is quite the feat! Well done!
One thing I really liked wa show you started with
and ended with
I think it really shows how innocent and clueless children can be and also really hits upon how life just keeps moving on, indifferent to your own personal struggles or worries. No matter what happens the world keeps on turning and life keeps on ticking.
Under the magnifying glass
There are no mistakes….. O.O
This is very strange and needs investigation immediately, the Book of Toramu calls, find within the perfect novels the clues. Piece together the tales, find where the ship sails.... what was the rest of it....?I can find nothing to critique, Great Job!!
Closing the case
I was really nice reading your story, I do look forward to finding out what happens next! I hope Caspar is indeed one of the lucky ones!
It was lovely going through this manuscript of yours. Everything expressed was my opinion, feel free to accept or reject whatever you want.
If you have any clues relating to the book of Toramu or anything you want to clarify feel free to contact my
alias, ahem, my dear friend @canopy.Until next time!!
Wow. Just wow. This is amazing. The emotion can be understood so well and it's just mwa, chefs kiss.
I%u2019m glad you enjoyed this!
The pacing of this piece is really nice! The line breaks add weight to the descriptions of Caspar leaving. This piece is also really good at conveying emotions through descriptions.
One suggestion I have would be to add a bit more background to this piece. I'd really like to know more about Caspar and where he's from (side note: did this piece draw inspiration from the historical figure Caspar Collins?) Another suggestion would be to add a bit of dialogue to this story. We see that Beverly is concerned, but I'm curious how she reacts to this news. What does she say to Caspar? Does conflict arise between him having a sense of duty to go and Beverly's desire for him to stay? This would also be a good opportunity to add more tension to your story.
Overall, this is a nice piece. I especially like how the last line "Suzanne just kept on playing with her toys" ties to the first paragraph "Their daughter, Suzanne, on the other hand, was too busy playing with toys on the carpet on the living room floor to care or notice." This line also make this piece feel relatable. Many of us have witnessed small children playing, blissfully unaware of the conflict between the adults that is going on around them.
I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Good luck with your writing!
This story takes place somewhere in America and no, I did not take any inspiration from real-life historical figures, but that%u2019s an interesting connection you made!
I%u2019m glad you enjoyed! Here are other stories that connect to this:
Josefina’s only wish
Josefina’s gift
And so love begins to bloom
Caspar and Beverly’s wedding
The birth of Suzanne