*This story is underneath my folder titled “Josefina’s desires”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1395. Enjoy!*
“Josefina sounds like an endearing name, doesn’t it?” Suzanne asked.
Lionel smiled, wrapping his arm around Suzanne’s shoulders.
“It sounds beautiful for her.” He said, kissing Suzanne on the cheek.
Yes. Josefina. That would be the name of their newly born daughter. She’d make everything better for her, too.
When Suzanne was little, she remembered asking Mom why Dad wouldn’t come, until Mom had to show her the newspaper with sad eyes, tell her that Dad died. As a two year old, she thought that Dad was on vacation and could never understand why Mom seemed sad. As a seven year old, she knew that he wasn’t coming back.
No. No sorrowful memories. Only happiness. Everything was going to be better.
The wedding of Suzanne and Lionel, the man who wanted to give her joy, who kissed her close, who let her know all was alright. Who had brought the change of Colavecch to Agnelli on her name overnight. But even at the wedding, Suzanne felt a presence that felt like her father, looming in the darkness, filled with misery.
Even in the hospital room, Suzanne still felt the presence of her father, a man she never had the privilege of truly knowing.
But things would be better. She’d make it better.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
I like how you jump straight into the conversation here :3
I also appreciate the flashback and how it shows what Suzanne has been thinking in scenes we’ve so far only experienced from her mom’s POV.
That said I feel like especially this sentence: “Everything was going to be better.“ Strikes me as a bit too childish for a person about to become a parent.
Oh… and Caspar has been haunting his daughter too. I like how you mention that in the flashback, it feels very fitting. In general, I really like the second flashback, as if all plot threads and emotions come together there :3
Also, you go girl, Suzanne! Make the life you want to have :3
Join the fight! Write more reviews!
Hi! Here to leave a short review.
One of the most concise short stories I've ever read. But the character layering, emotional intimacy and the consistent wistful tone are haunting in a way that's truly impressive, encapsulated in only a few paragraphs. I think the transitions between notable events in Suzanne's life is a bit abrupt, but overall it works regardless.
Have a wonderful night!
Thx for reading! ^v^