*This story is underneath my folder titled “Josefina’s desires”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1290. Enjoy!*
PAST: HE’S AWAY
Is he going to die? Is he doing okay? Please God, let him live. Let my Caspar live. He’s got me and our kid.
Beverly prayed every night before bed, hoping that would make a difference. Suzanne was fast asleep, Beverly was wide awake.
She lingered upright in bed, her hands folded in a praying position, before lying down to a tearful sleep, her bed absent of Caspar’s warmth.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
PRESENT: HE’S HOME
Beverly sensed him. Caspar’s ghost, lingering in the air. Only, he didn’t seem quite human.
Every night, she dreamt of his voice, his touch, his smile. Suzanne was all grown up, but hopefully, she was having a better life with her family.
Because Beverly still felt haunted by Caspar, always pulled back to the day he died in war.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hey there, creeper! Tikaya's review actually brought this work to my attention and I thought to help her get it out of the Green room. I've actually had an eye on this series for quite some time but I could never get to it given the initial big chapter that was already out of the Green room. For this review, I read through all the chapters except the first and I hope that gives me enough context. Take it as a recommendation though- to break the story into shorter parts rather than one single work, especially if you don't plan to maintain that length in future chapters. I feel like you'd get the most user interaction this way! It's good to go one way- either all big detailed chapters or all short ones. Also the long works that you do post are just a collection of chapters anyways, so splitting must come easy. With all the reviewing that you do, I don't think points are a problem either. Just to talk numbers though, I think compiling chapters with a word count sufficient to earn 200-300 points in a single publishing is fair game. However, I do think you might have a valid reason for all this. Perhaps you posted long chapters in the beginning when you were low on points bur now prefer smaller ones since you can afford it and smaller works get reviews faster. Am I understanding this correctly? Either way, I've talked about it enough. Let's dive into the review ~ (I swear this whole para wasn't just to increase the word count for the points though, God it looks bad. I'll earn the points I get, promise)
So I looked through the character designs and wow, isn't Beverly beautiful! I loved the change in her expression across the multiple pictures you've shared as well. I can definitely see that Suzanne resembling her mother than her father. While I think it would've been a nice choice to do things the other way (she's a painful reminder of Caspar) and Beverly's reaction to it (would also enhance the impact of 'he's left her a piece of him'). That could also have been better captured if they had a son instead but oh well, nothing wrong with your version either!
PAST: HE’S AWAY
Hmm.. This sounds a little indirect, failing to make a bigger impact. How about about along the lines of 'Our daughter needs him. I need him.'?
This works, but I think some hopeless and satirical (basically the signature creeper style) phrasing would work even better. Here's my suggestion- 'as if that would make a difference.' The contrast would do wonders, I'm sure of it!
It's actually great to see both these characters side by side. While Beverly drowns in agony, Suzanne is too young to understand the situation and thus lives an unaffected live. Such polar opposite reactions!
Painful yet endearing, my favorite line <3
PRESENT: HE’S HOME
The first two paragraphs are extremely well done, I expected nothing less!
I see, has she married someone and moved away already? My, it's been long. But I can't help but feel something is hollow or missing from here. Suzanne's arc has been completely obliterated with a single sentence. Untapped potential, I must say. I wasn't anticipating any gut wrenching scenes from her, but her unique perspective could've really anchored the story. Maybe explore ot sometime later? I just don't like the idea of destroying a plot asset. She was one of the biggest question- how will the poor little girl react when she finally finds out? Don't rid the reader of the satisfaction of getting that answer now..
Let's make it shorter and clearer- 'Because Beverly was still haunted (by the memory of) Caspar. It's purely optional to include the part within the brackets, well so is the entire suggestion, except for my strong recommendation to at least opt some part of it. Still, very much your OWN call!
Perfection!
That's all I have for now. Thanks for sharing and happy writing. Reading and reviewing this has been a pleasure. Until next time~
Love,
Alex
I actually read the next chapter and you definitely fixed the lack of Suzanne's POV so far, thus I take back that little critic.
Landed on the two stories in this folder to review today 😊 Good morning!
I remember Caspar. I find his story very tragic ☹
I like the juxtaposition of mom being wide awake and the child sleeping blissfully unaware (she can, she’s never even met her dad…)
Oh so this is a not-exactly-positive haunting Suzanne experiences. Sometimes your ghosts can be peaceful and sad but here it seems like… well also considering that the last story was abt becoming a monster… yeiks. But it sounds like the ghostly haunting is contained near Beverly so their daughter isn’t experiencing any of this ^^
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