*This story is underneath my folder titled “Josefina’s desires”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33”. Enjoy!*
When Caspar was but a young boy, on the edges of manhood, he felt himself wind closer to Beverly, with her glowing love.
Mom told him to keep her, Dad said to protect her.
And as for Beverly herself, she saw him stand up for his beliefs, do what he could to bring a smile to someone’s face.
Dad said that one day, Caspar’s joy would fall. He said it happened to all boys. Mom said that he was worth it.
Both so young then, so unaware then.
But not afraid to love.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey vampricone! Dropping by to give you a review. I will be using the YWS'mores method to help structure my review.
The Top Graham Cracker: I decided to come read this before I reviewed the most recent installment for Caspar and Beverly, titled "Caspar and Beverly's wedding", so I would have a bit of background knowledge as to what was going on.
The Slightly Burnt Marshmallow:
I am uncertain about the use of the word "wind" here. I think it would make more sense if you used a different word, such as "blow" or "glide" - he felt himself glide closer to Beverly. I think that flows better.
Other than that, I see no other nitpicks.
The Melty Chocolate Bar Despite how brief this was, I thought it was really sweet! I don't know much about either character, not their appearance nor their personalities, but they both seem to be very in love and determined to marry each other. I especially like how you included something said by both of their parents in regard to their future spouse.
My favorite lines were these:
It makes me a little worried to see the "so unaware then", since I know a lot of your writing doesn't focus on happy endings (LOL) so I fear what you will do to this sweet couple... >_>
The Bottom Graham Cracker: Overall, this was really good and very intriguing! I am looking forward to seeing what will happen next.
I hope this review was a bit helpful.
~Iggy
Hello vampy! I'm here to review your short story. Let's dive in:
The Good Stuff
- I think you packed a lot of emotions and a powerful theme within such a small timeframe. I feel like this conveys the theme 'parents aren't always right', and the general idea of 'went against the odds', and you did it really well.
- The grammar in this was done really well! I saw no errors.
- I think the first sentence also had a very classical feel to it.
Room For Improvement
- Obviously, I'm going to say I wish this was longer XD. I think that mainly, I wish we saw more of the characters and their personalities, and why exactly they love each other. I think that it would add a lot of depth to the story.
- This was cute and heartfelt! I enjoyed reading it
Happy writing, and have a blessed day!
Serrurie
Hello hello, I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review. I will apologize that this might be very short. with this being said I still hope that my thoughts could brighten your day nonetheless. however, I should stop rambling and get started. let's get into it, shall we?
Overall I found this adorable. It's odd to find a purely wholesome story of yours but here we have the rare time there are no spooks. It was a nice change of pace as showing the light can make horror more impactful.
Still, there are hints that things might not be as idyllic as the kids think. It seems to me that his parents might be having some romantic problems considering what they have to say. However, love and growing up are bound to have ups and downs so it could be something else.
Now moving on to feedback I promise it will be pretty light. As always I am not a professional nor do you have to use anything I say. You are the author after all.
The biggest thing I see is that this doesn't have much detail. I won't try to beat a dead horse but I wish we got a little more prose to help add depth. Little things like adding more of the setting to help ground the reader and fleshing out the interactions could make the story more moving.
Regardless this was a cute little read. As always keep writing and remember to drink water!
So glad you enjoyed! I promise there will be more details later on. <3