*This story is underneath my folder titled “Josefina’s desires”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. Enjoy!*
First came the darkness.
Then came the screaming and screeching from Caspar’s broken lips.
Oh, the aching pain, the pain that rattled his bones and body…he felt it in his soul!
It was exactly what he felt in battle, but multiplying after death, infesting him within, changing him…changing him…
Wasn’t death supposed to bring peace?
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140,073 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hello again,
This sentence has numerous ways you are adding emphasis to his pain.Since this is extremely short, I don't have really any specific edits to give but rather a couple of generalized suggestions. Feel free to take what you will and leave the rest.
For me, I would classify this a poem rather than a short story. While it doesn't follow the traditional rules of poetry, the way it is structured and written it reads more so that way. There are actually many wonderful books that are written with this concept of prose poetry. I think your piece would benefit as being classified as such.
The second critique I could give (all be it rather minor) is the use of the italicized words. If you're trying to use them for emphasis then that's fine but when you pair it with the punctuation that is typically used for such an effect, then it gets a little overly dramatic. Now this isn't really a bad thing, but after reading a couple of your works already, I've noticed that it is a common technique you use. I would love to suggest that you look at different ways of adding that drama and flare that you want into your pieces without reusing some.
For example we could take a look at this line:
1. You've written it in a passive voice, focusing on the pain he feels rather than Casper himself.
2. You've used repetition. I.E. the aching pain quickly followed by the pain that rattled....
3. You've italicized the word 'soul,' to show your reader which particular word should be stressed.
4.You've added an ellipsis, which already shows a dramatic pause to the pain Casper is feeling.
5. You've used an exclamation mark at the end to express strong emotion.
Remember that all of these are effective techniques to adding emphasis to something, but they are best done in moderation. When you use multiple in a singular sentence, they dull the impact. It almost makes the pain that Casper is feeling too unrealistic and the narrator unreliable.
If you want to keep this kind of drama to the line, then rewording it and playing around with the structure may be great help. Here would be a quick suggestion on my part: "Oh! The aching pain, pain that rattled his bones and body, he felt it in his soul." When you look at it, I didn't so much change it completely but rather reworked a few of the techniques you already had to polish the sentence while still keeping the focus.
All in all, though, I quite enjoyed this short excerpt. The last line is definitely something to think about and I liked how you left it off there. Really makes your reader have to think about what the implications of death and possibly what Casper may have to go through later. Thank you for sharing your work.
Oki final review of the day. Hi again creeper
So the last thing I read of this folder is how Caspar died and you told me that little Suzanne will never meet her dad 
And now we have more Caspar. I ... am kinda already afraid from the second sentence alone. This guy suffered so much in life already, I think this takes place after he died, right? (Yep finished reading and oh boy, this does not bode well)
From the title, I assume that it's the endless pain that eventually transforms him into a monster? Makes me wonder if he really died or if he just got captured after that battle and just thinks he died and ended up in hell? because from the way you used to describe him, he seems to be a good character and in your stories heaven and hell usually exist so....?
Still think this is rather short and I would have liked more of a hint on where exactly he is and what and why is hurting him.
The very effects of war are hurting and corrupting his spirit, making him a monster, although I might need to clarify that better. Also, you are right. He was good in life. One can change in death but that does not mean he will not be able to get peace.
More is to come. Thanks for reading!
This is a very nice story, or short poem or whatever you want to call it. I did enjoy it, but I don't understand the context of the poem. Maybe it's because I'm stupid. Maybe I should read the other stories so I can know what this one actually means
You are right. This is relatively short. I probably should have added more to this but I didn%u2019t feel like it at the time. But I will.
Basically, Caspar feels the darkness after death swirling around him to make him a monster. A literal one, if you will.
And pls don%u2019t call urself that. <3