*This story is under my folder titled “Josefina’s desires”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewforum.php?f=403. Enjoy!*
SUZANNE
Suzanne snuggled into Lionel’s arms, watching Josefina as she played with toys.
They were in the living room for family movie night, but the movie had long since ended, and it wasn’t yet Josefina’s bedtime.
Though the peacefulness of her family brought a sense of ease to Suzanne’s heart, she still felt her father’s ghost linger, like she always did, ever since she was little.
Mom said that he rested, but Suzanne never quite believed her words.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
LIONEL
There was always something odd about Suzanne. From the way she seemed to carry herself, it was like there was a certain fear about her, like she was waiting for something terrible to happen.
Lionel’s Mom and Dad told him not to worry, but he couldn’t help it. He tried asking Suzanne, and she always told him that she was “fine” with a strained smile. Even at their wedding, she hadn’t said anything about it.
Maybe in due time, Suzanne would tell Lionel.
Hopefully…
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138,580 Literary Works • 672,172 Reviews
hey creeper!
Oh my, two POVs in one!
I can't recall these characters, so it's nice to have this little window into their dynamic. Suzanne being in Lionel’s arms while watching Josefina play is a really soft image, and it immediately gives the scene warmth before the story introduces the unease of her father’s ghost. I wasn't expecting ghosts! That contrast works well though. I also like that the second section shifts into Lionel’s point of view because it shows that Suzanne’s sadness / fear is visible to the people who love her, even when she tries to hide it. I am not the biggest fan of POV shifts like that, but I do think it adds more depth to this story. His concern feels more gentle rather than pushy, too, so I think he offers unconditional love for Suzanne as she may feel alone or torn.
I would say the main thing to work on is showing more instead of explaining everything right away. For example, instead of telling us Suzanne has "a certain fear about her," maybe show her checking the doorway, going quiet when someone mentions family, holding Josefina a little tighter, etc. That would make the reader feel the mystery more strongly - right now, it's just out in the open! Also, the father’s ghost idea is interesting, so you could give another detail about what that ghost feels like to Suzanne -> does she hear him, dream of him, sense him in certain rooms, or just remember him? He doesn't seem very ghosty yet; I think you could explore that idea and add more tragedy to his role in the story.
Still, this is very thoughtful! I'll have to read more of Josefina's story to understand the nuances, but from what I've read here, I like it!
best,
cocteau
Thank you for reading and your advice. ^v^ I’m glad you liked it.
Good morning creeper 😊
It took me a moment to place this story but this line is a good reminder:
Ah the poor guy, dying before he could meet his daughter ☹
I also appreciate the insight from Lionel’s perspective. That he noticed something is haunting his wife, lying heavy on her shoulders.
I do find it a bit strange that he says “even at their wedding” because… why would she tell him THAT specific day? If he said even at their wedding she was nervous and afraid that would have made more sense.
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