*This story is under my folder titled “Josefina’s desires”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. Enjoy!*
Beverly surveyed the newspaper, then placed it gently down on the coffee table. Suzanne was much too young to know, but she’d feel the weight of it soon.
Beverly listened to the mindless sounds of talk on the static radio, rocking two-year old Suzanne gently on her lap. She’d have to swallow down her tears. Choke on them. Let them simmer within her until Suzanne was put to bed.
She would never know the kindness of Caspar, for war had so greedily snatched him away. The newspaper said so, but even then, Beverly felt it in her heart that he would never return.
She only hoped that he would find peace after the rush of flames and blood.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hello again! Back for another quick review.
I admittedly have not read the other stories within this folder, so I may be missing some context. However, I thought I'd still give my two cents on this short story!
It's clear that this is a short snippet into a larger story, and it makes me wonder if it could be consolidated into its corresponding part(s)? It leaves me curious about the timeline and if there was an intent behind making this its own part (different time, setting, etc). Right now it works as its own short piece, but in my opinion it could also work as small scene in a larger part of the story, separated into its own section or something.
I feel like character wise, we could get deeper into Beverly's emotions! After all, she just found out that Caspar had died, and we can assume their relationship had to have meant something. I think it could be worthwhile exploring how this loss has jaded her, especially in contrast to Suzanne's innocence. This juxtaposition could impact your audience in a meaningful way. There's definitely a balance to be had between excessive descriptions and an insufficient amount, and I think you could afford adding more here! If Beverly is the kind of character to withhold her emotions, even when facing intense loss, you can still portray this in her internal thoughts without losing the character's core personality. I really like the descriptions you have right now, which is what leaves me looking for more.
My favorite parts:
This really emphasizes her maternal responsibility outweighing her emotions, and I think this speaks a lot to Beverly's character. Despite how overcome she may be with grief, sadness, she sees her duty to care for Suzanne as a priority.
This part was chilling! It's a lot darker and more explicit in tone in contrast to the rest of the piece, but I'd take a guess it aligns with some of the overarching themes/plot points you have in the story, as there's a war that seems to have happened previously. Again I think this could be really powerful if we got more on the softness in the mother/daughter dynamic to juxtapose this.
Overall, nice work!
Calamity
I%u2019m glad you enjoyed and thank you for your suggestions. ^v^
Hello~ its been a long while since I've done a review, and I thought this was the perfect little story to get back into it. Now i haven't read the other parts in Josefina's Desires, but based on the titles I think I have the general Idea.
When I pressed on this I was surprised by the length, now, that isn't a bad thing, since it is fairly obvious that it is supposed to be the length that it is, but as my first impression, I was surprised. Its is written with a very soft narrative voice, which matches Beverly's character. It is very down to earth, and doesn't portray the characters as falling over with instant and over dramatic grief.
I liked it.
-Hope
I%u2019m glad you liked it.
<3