Young Writers Society

Hello fellow writer! Ley here to write a tortoise-y review on this amazing work you've published! This is a new review style that I'm using only for the month of June, in spirit of the Great Tortoise Race! Let's get started, 'shell' we? xD

Shell Start: This seems to be a horror story with a lot of character development. I've read your stories before, and I don't think I've ever met these characters? Yay for new charries! <3

Favorite Leaf: I did appreciate the pace and flashbacks in this story! From Josefina's past, to her relationship with her husband, to her relationship with her kids-- you really did make me feel connected to them! They started out moving, then this 'shadow' with teeth shows up, and my jaw literally dropped at the ending. I also gasped when I found out that the shadow is her grandfather, and that he was talking to her kids! The scene where she's talking to her kids and they say 'the guy with teeth is looking over you' really freaked me out, which I'm guessing was the intent? xD Wonderful descriptions too, especially with the setting.

Shell Fractures:
Here are some suggestions!

Josefina Fitzpatrick was in the corner of their room. The room that she shared with Desmond Fitzpatrick, the man she thought that she knew her whole life.

To me this sentence sounded a bit awkward. Try taking away the word 'that' so it flows better, as I feel like it's kind of an unnecessary word choice

Josefina ran throughout the backyard, the dew drops soft on her skin. It rained the other night, leaving the outside shining, just the way she liked it.

Not sure about the sentence I bolded. I feel like the tenses got a little mixed up here, and that's why it sounds a tad awkward to read? I'd suggest changing it to some wording like this:

Josefina ran throughout the backyard, the dew drops soft on her skin. It rained the other night, and the sun shined bright today, just the way she liked it.

Grandma, who sat next to her, had a look of shock in her eyes, but then, her eyes softened.

Another suggestion for awkward wording. The use of the word 'eyes' twice in the same short sentence kind of halted the flow of this work. Try changing it to:

Grandma, who sat next to her, had a look of shock in her eyes, but then, they softened.

The shadow broke off into tears. Josefina reached out to comfort it, but the world began breaking up and fading away.

Problem with tense, here. To fix this, you can change it to:

The shadow broke off into tears. Josefina reached out to comfort it, but the world began to break up and fade away.

I'd also ask that maybe you change the rating on this piece. Since it contains gore and dismemberment, it should definitely not be unrated (as there's no rating on this piece at all). I'd assume 13 and 14, maybe even 16 year olds, wouldn't quite feel comfortable reading this piece.

Tortoise Wisdom:
Dropping my favorite quotes from this story:

The grass was higher than before, the flowers grew more haphazardly, like colored veins in decaying flesh. It used to be so well-tended, so much like a faerie world.

Lovely use of imagery here. I could really imagine this scene as a faerie world, especially because of how you described the way the flowers grew. Great job!

Oh god no. Not the kids. Not the children. Spare the children…

I do enjoy how you added Josefina's thoughts in the second to last scene when she dies. This adds some sensitivity and context into how she actually felt during that scary time, and I think it added just the right amount of emotional turmoil to the whole story. Wonderful job!

Overall: This was a cool horror story, but I do think that I've read some other works by you that seem a bit less predictable than this one. I was able to foreshadow exactly what was going to happen by the middle of reading this. But that's not a bad thing, especially if that's what you intended! Overall, the descriptions were awesome, I loved the characters, and I also really did enjoy the flashbacks to give us some context. Thank you for sharing!

Thank you for taking the time to read this review! I hope to see you join the race, and keep being awesome! Happy Writing~

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well we have quite the powerful little piece here, really intrigued by the ghost for this one, they really seem to have quite the past behind them in this one.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It’s just like how it is in the movies. Josefina thought blearily.

Josefina Fitzpatrick was in the corner of their room. The room that she shared with Desmond Fitzpatrick, the man she thought that she knew her whole life.

“Please, Desi. This isn’t you.” Josefina pleaded.

Even as she was bleeding out, even as he was clenching the knife, violently panting, even though every bone in her body felt like it was going to shatter, she still wanted to plead.

He’d listen, wouldn’t he? He had to. There was no way he’d end her life in a second. Not Desmond. Not the man who promised to love her, for better or for worse.

Josefina winced as her organs squelched from the knife.

The kids would be safe, wouldn’t they? They’d know to run away…right?

They shouldn’t make the same mistake as her. They couldn’t. They wouldn’t!

Oh dear well that's an introduction and a half right there to kick us off, just such a visceral image of what's to come and how horribly its going there, the pleading at the end of course being the lovely cherry on top. Wonderful start here!

Josefina grinned as Desmond drove their car on the block of neatly rowed houses. Their children, Jessamine and Georgina, were giggling happily as they played with their toys in the backseat.

They were going to live in her mother’s childhood home, the one that she reserved for Josefina’s future family, so that they may all prosper in suburbia.

No more of living in a one-floored house. They could all move about freely, just as they should.

And besides, Josefina would be closer to her dear mother in that home.

Hmm well this is a neat little start here, no hint of the horrors to come at all, just everyone all happy and ready to get started on their new life. Loving the vibe you establish there, it really showcases how the feelings have developed here for this move and how its convenient in many ways.

Josefina ran throughout the backyard, the dew drops soft on her skin. It rained the other night, leaving the outside shining, just the way she liked it.

The roses had more petals, the tree branches reached further down as though to greet her, the scent of life was lingering in the air, and then…

The dark, hulking black shadow with the glowing white eyes standing by the willow tree. Was that there before?

Josefina stopped. She stared at the shadow, waiting to see what it would do.

It stared back at her. It had no mouth. It was a peaceful, quiet thing, Josefina decided.

She made her way over to it, for it was a bright, new day, a perfect day to make a new friend to play with.

Suddenly, the shadow grinned, showing off its human teeth, and suddenly, it wasn’t friendly anymore, but a monster.

Its skin began to break away into the wind, into dust, into nothingness…

The smile, though.

It wouldn’t leave her mind.

Oh dear that is truly a horrifying thing to walk into right there wow. We're getting right to the point it seems in this one as far as all the more supernatural elements are concerned. Looks like this house is destined to be trouble from the start.

The house wasn’t in too bad of condition when Josefina and her family arrived. It needed a little dusting, that was for sure, but surprisingly, the white Victorian home with pink trim was still standing tall and proud.

It’s just like a dollhouse. Josefina thought with a smile.

Upstairs, in her Mom’s old room, the white cotton curtains moved slightly. But it was only a slight draft. The past was in the past, her monster wasn’t back.

Her monster left a long time ago…

Well that's a question and a half there wow, this is turning out to be some house the further we go. The mother definitely had something about her that most mothers don't have. We'll see how this pans out.

“This house is sooo pretty! I love it!” Jessamine said with a smile. She had just finished exploring the house, Georgina was still looking.

“You’re happy to live here?” Josefina asked. She wanted to make sure, even though her family was mostly happy with whatever was given.

“Yes!” Jessamine beamed.

“That’s what matters.” Josefina said.

The house was squeaky clean, absolutely perfect. No dust, no moths, and no shadows.

So why did the fear still linger in her heart?

Josefina and Desmond were in the room of her Grandparents, their new room. Everything had already been unpacked, so they spending time looking around the room, for old memories.

“It’s pretty lucky that you have a piece of your family’s history still standing. Did you have any favorite rooms?” Desmond asked.

“No. I liked playing outside the best. There was plenty of room to run.” Josefina said with a smile.

“The girls are going to love it here.” Desmond chuckled.

“They will.” Josefina said.

And then, he brought her close, and the two hugged in the house that held snapshots of her childhood, her dreams and her nightmares.

Well looks like at the very least everything is mostly peaceful for the moment and everyone is taking well to it. As much as there has clearly been many many nightmares here for now it seems they are gone and everyone can be happy.

Time had passed since they unpacked. Josefina and her family were in the dining room, eating their simple dinner of macaroni and cheese.

“I made a new friend!” Jessamine said suddenly.

“A friend? What does this friend look like?” Josefina asked, ever-so-wary.

“It’s a shadow person with teeth like us! It doesn’t say much, but it’s nice! I like it.” Jessamine said.

No. It was supposed to be gone. Josefina got rid of it a long time ago. Why was it still there?

Desmond only looked mildly creeped out. Georgina didn’t react at all, lost in her own world as she innocently ate her dinner.

“Promise me that you’ll never speak to it again.” Josefina said.

“But-“

“I’m not mad at you, Jessie. Just don’t talk to that person again. You don’t know them well.”

“But-“

“Promise me.” Josefina said. She didn’t mean to have such bile in her voice, but the idea of Jessamine talking about something that was supposed to be dead a long time ago disturbed Josefina deeply.

“I promise.” Jessamine said defeatedly.

Oh dear that's not good, immediately we've run into our horrible shadow monster and its barely been five minutes since they arrived, I loved that Josefina is doing her best to eradicte it and do damage control but those two buts already show how successful those efforts are destined to be.

Josefina wasn’t allowed in Grandma’s room. It was her special space, the place where she could be alone with her thoughts. That was what Mom and Dad said to her.

But she was never there before! She had to go inside, she had to explore it!

Josefina rifled through the photo albums, wondering what had become of the people within them. What had they done? Where were they?

She stopped. There, in cracked black and white, was her Grandma when she was a young woman, grinning from behind a white veil. A man in a tuxedo had his arm linked with hers, his eyes shining brightly, hair slicked to the side in style.

Grandma got married? But she never said…

Footsteps were getting closer. In a haste, Josefina put the photo album back and ran to the guest room across from hers.

Hopefully Grandma wouldn’t notice.

Oooh well okay this is getting more and more exciting as we continue here, finding out secrets about her grandmother that it appears no one really quite knew about and then the reaction to it which at least to me raises at least a question or two there.

Josefina and Desmond lay side by side in bed. They had eaten dinner and watched a movie together. A fantasy movie, funnily enough, about a girl and her magical house.

In a way, Josefina’s house was magical. It held secrets, both sweet and sour, and a friend that only certain children could see.

Speaking of which, the shadow was in the corner of their room.

Josefina turned on her side. Better not to look at the dark blur with human teeth.

Well it seems for the moment the old forget and hope it goes away approach is being employed which given how things are happening is quite a reasonable idea there. Let's see how this plays out.

It was yet another day at the new Fitzpatrick house. Jessamine and Georgina were at school, Desmond was at work.

Josefina had the whole house to herself.

While she could have occupied herself by reading or book or sketching in her notebook, she found herself staring out of the back window, into the garden.

The grass was higher than before, the flowers grew more haphazardly, like colored veins in decaying flesh. It used to be so well-tended, so much like a faerie world.

Josefina sighed. She’d have to keep them all from the garden. It wasn’t a good place to be, it wasn’t a place to play.

Something flickered behind the grass.

Josefina walked out of the back door and followed the shifting and moving in the grass.

Faintly, she could see the blur of a black, hazy arm. If she got a good look at the thing that had been chasing her for years, then she’d know just what she was up against.

Josefina had to keep chasing.

Oooh here we go, Josephine all alone and just trying to put together this house and see what improvements are needed when we get in with the appearance of that horrible thing again. This does not seem destined to end well.

\In the shadow, soft blue eyes stared back at Josefina. A hand reached out to her, a hand that shifted from skin to claw.

“Please, Josie. Save me.” A man’s voice pleaded through the shadow.

But as Josefina was about to reach out to him, he shifted back into the monster she knew, and smiled with the unsettlingly human teeth.

Well that is definitely something and a half here. Loving the way you cut that off right there, showing Josefina almost tempted even though she probably felt the danger and then the lovely reveal.

“How was school?” Josefina asked as she fixed up snacks for the children in the kitchen, both waiting patiently behind her.

She had just picked up Jessamine and Georgina from school, and perhaps their little magics and woes would stop her from thinking of the shadow in the garden.

“Okay, I guess. I just wish that my friend was here.” Jessamine said.

Josefina turned around, shock in her eyes. Jessamine wasn’t still thinking about the shadow, was she?

“Your friend? What do you mean?” Georgina asked.

Jessamine grinned at her, her eyes alight.

“Oh, he’s wonderful! He doesn’t say much, but he stays and watches over you. He also has these really cool teeth that he says I can keep if I’m good.” Jessamine said.

“Really?! You get teeth? I want teeth!” Georgina cried out.

“No one is getting any teeth. Eat your snacks.” Josefina said, handing the girls bowls of yogurt with strawberry pieces in them, silver spoons catching glints of the sunlight from the window.

well that's not a good sign at all, it looks like teeth boi here is really doubling down on thing and Jessamine naturally does not have the ability to stop herself here. That friendship is definitely not ending well for either one in this family here.

“Were you ever married?” Josefina asked. The question had just surfaced in her mind as she ate lunch.

Grandma, who sat next to her, had a look of shock in her eyes, but then, her eyes softened. Good. Josefina hid well the other day in Grandma’s room, and she was never more thankful in her life.

“Once. But he died in war.” Grandma said, taking a sip of her tea.

He was once a soldier? But what else happened to him? What was he like?

The hollow look in Grandma’s eyes told Josefina that it was better not to ask questions, especially on such a matter with a lost husband.

She’d have to find out herself.

Oooh well that's a potentially less dangerous flashback there, only touching on the grandma's husband and showcasing a little bit about maybe who could be roaming about here.

The girls were put to bed. Josefina was searching for the photo album, the one she looked at when she was a child.

Where was it? It wasn’t in any of the drawers she had looked at, how could it just…disappear?!

“Come on, honey. Get to bed.” Desmond said. He was waiting for her in bed, but she couldn’t come. Not until she found it.

“Whatever you need to do, do it tomorrow. You need your sleep.” Desmond said softly.

“But I have to do this. Just give me a few more minutes, okay?” Josefina asked.

“No, you’ve been searching for three hours. Rest now.” Desmond said.

Tiredness was eating at her eyes, she felt the need to sleep screaming at the back of her head.

Perhaps rest wouldn’t be too bad…

Well that was definitely a good call there, even though it is very much important to track this down I'm thinking. Very conflicting moment there for poor Josefina, hopefully the rest doesn't prove too costly.

“My body is still out there. On the battlefield.” The shadow said.

Josefina was back in the garden, the midnight sky stretching for miles above her.

“You can’t find it, though. No one can. All I want is to go home…to see my family…”

The shadow broke off into tears. Josefina reached out to comfort it, but the world began breaking up and fading away.

Josefina woke up.

Next to her, Desmond was scratching himself feverishly, frenziedly, as though he had caught the chicken pox.

Josefina shook him until his eyes opened, until he was fully awake.

“Don’t scratch yourself, honey.” Josefina said softly.

“What? I was scratching myself?” Desmond asked, eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights.

“For a bit.” Josefina said.

Desmond snuggled close to her, Josefina hugged him tightly.

She couldn’t let it happen again…

Oooh that's quite the little moment here. Definitely confirming the idea of who teeth boi happens to be tying it perfectly back to the grandma and now being woken up only to find something very concerning. This is setting itself up quite intensely here. I'm loving the building tension.

Day after day, Josefina looked for the photo album. Night after night, Desmond kept scratching himself.

It seemed that everything in the old home was preserved except for the photo album, the only photo album in the home.

Josefina stopped. In the drawer, there it was. The photo album with the pink and white floral print.

She opened it up and…

Nothing. All of the pages were blank.

But how? How is this possible? How are they all blank? Josefina thought.

Did the shadow…do something?

Oh dear that plot just continues to thicken here, it does not look like its destined to end well in the slightest there. Those pictures definitely were either important or this person is trying to steal those memories away somehow. Either way its not looking good.

Desmond wasn’t scratching himself. The shadow wasn’t around.

Jessamine didn’t talk about her “friend” either. Georgina didn’t either, so shouldn’t that be a good thing?

But why were the pages in the photo album blank? What was that chill Josefina felt within, crawling in her skin?

Something wasn’t right.

Desmond got up from bed and walked towards the door, saying not a word to Josefina.

“Desi? Are you okay? What’s going on?” Josefina asked, chasing after him.

He didn’t say anything, only headed outside.

Straight to the garage.

No, no. This can’t be happening, this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening.

Perhaps he was just sleepwalking.

Oh this is not good. It looks like Josefina has maybe Josefina has seen this go down before and judging by her reaction, this can't have been anything approaching a pleasant experience there. Let's see how this plays out.

Josefina stepped inside the garage. Desmond was sleepwalking. Any minute, he would wake up and come to his senses.

Shovels and rakes were being shoved around, frenzied rustling ringing throughout the garage…

Desmond turned around, grinning at Josefina, holding garden shears in his hand.

Josefina ran for her life, but Desmond knew to catch up.

She was back in the house, careful not to wake the kids up. Safe in their bedroom, she had to find the photo.

It was the only way she could get her Grandfather to remember who he was.

But did he take it? Was he blinded by hatred and regret, a mere shadow of aggression? Did he affect Desmond?

Desmond had made his way to the bedroom, still holding the garden shears in his shaking hand.

She had to keep looking…

Oh dear there it is connecting right back to what we had in that introduction, well we can already tell how this is about to end. This poor family is unfortunately not about to survive this night here.

Desmond pushed Josefina to the side, pining her to the floor. His eyes were lost, he was all teeth and no smile.

“Please, Desi. This isn’t you.” Josefina pleaded.

But Desmond-or more accurately, her Grandfather-plunged the garden shears through her heart.

Josefina tried grasping at Desmond, hoping that she would scar him enough to deter him, but he escaped from her grasp.

Oh god no. Not the kids. Not the children. Spare the children…

The screams of her daughters rang through her ears.

Well yup that's set in stone down there as to what just occurred, no doubt about that one when it comes to the whole what exactly it is going down there. A typical ending I believe in the realm of vampricone.

Jessamine and Georgina Fitzpatrick were found with their bodies slashed and gorged, blood pooling on the Princess-style bed they shared. Desmond Fitzpatrick had garden shears deep into his heart, Josefina Fitzpatrick had a chest wound and her legs sawed off.

However, as the bodies were removed and laid to rest, there is talk of a woman named Josefina who lurks in the internet, comforting hurt children.

Somehow, they disappear…

Well that's a saddening little prologue there, just touching down on all the horrors that occured here and it seems quite sad fate there befalling poor Josefina as she was killed in that terrible manner.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think a lovely little tale to go along with all the many others that I've read. Looking forward to reviewing more work from you. They're always quite enjoyable.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate