Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
*This story is under my folder “Alice and the aliens”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic/117842-my-character-designs-lt-33-3?start=165. Enjoy!*
There was once a little four year old girl called Antoinette, who had a baby sister named Molly, someone who wasn’t very fun to play with, because she couldn’t understand a single thing Antoinette had to say. She wanted someone who would listen to her thoughts, who wouldn’t throw her toys around, who wouldn’t cry every second.
So her parents gave her Arielle. Arielle was a much older girl, probably fourteen years old and she had come to “take care” of Antoinette and Molly. Antoinette didn’t think that they needed Arielle, but they said she had to stay, so stay she did.
Arielle had dirt on her face when they first met. Her parents didn’t seem to notice or care. It was all over, building up around her blue eyes with crust. Antoinette thought she saw bugs crawling there, but maybe she was imagining it, because Arielle told her that she went “on an adventure” and got dirty earlier because of it. She said that she traveled to many places and even killed monsters while on those adventures. She showed Antoinette the jagged teeth she took from them to prove it.
But Antoinette wasn’t allowed to tell anybody about Arielle’s adventures or else the monsters would come. Arielle said that the monsters didn’t want adults to know.
There were moments when Antoinette felt the truth clawing at the edges of her mind, choking her in her sleep. Moments where she almost slipped and told her parents. Then Arielle’s hushed voice, barely a whisper and furrowed eyebrows came to mind and she stopped herself. She wouldn’t let the monsters come, no matter how scary it was. It’d be scarier if they came.
Arielle didn’t just go on adventures. She also played games like dress-up, listened without ever seeming bored and gave flowers to Antoinette. She almost seemed like a princess, if it weren’t for the monsters she killed. She was odd, but she was Antoinette’s friend and Antoinette never had any friends before.
At the moment, Antoinette was in bed, lying beneath her flower silk sheets. Her family had a lot of money and nice things, things that made her happy, but not as happy as she was to share it with Arielle. She couldn’t even sleep, for she was far too excited for the morning to come. What dresses would she and Arielle wear? What flowers would they find? What stories would she tell? Oh, it was all too-
Molly was crying, loudly like she always did. Antoinette covered her ears, pressing her hands deeply against them, until she was sure that it stopped.
Then she let go and it was quiet again. Good. Antoinette could go back to sleep-
The ceiling creaked. It was where her parents slept, in the room right above her. Sometimes it creaked, so Antoinette should have been used to it, but still, a feeling like spiders skittering up her spine went through her whenever she heard it. It sounded so wrong, like there were ghosts moaning and screaming all around her.
Her parents would be too tired and mad at her if she went upstairs, so she tried to close her eyes and go to sleep, but she wasn’t tired. Joy and terror and all kinds of ideas raced through Antoinette’s mind, it was all so dark that she couldn’t see what was out there, so then what was? The monsters, perhaps? Maybe it was the monsters that came back and Arielle was going to kill them all! But what if Arielle was still asleep and didn’t know?
Antoinette kicked away the covers and sat up from bed, ready to tell Arielle herself-Arielle.
Arielle was standing in the doorway. She could see it from the moonlight shining on her face. There were big, red spots on Arielle’s purple dress and pink apron. They didn’t look very pretty.
“Arielle, why is your dress dirty?” Antoinette asked. Her voice sounded strange, not really like hers, in the late hours of night. Antionette tried not to think about it too much.
Arielle said nothing. She only smiled at Antoinette, walking up to the bed and sitting next to her, wrapping an arm around her as she did so.
“I was just killing the monsters, that’s why it’s dirty. These monsters like to take a lot of things, you know. I can’t let that happen.”
She had put Antoinette on her lap and still had her arm around her. It wasn’t bad, but Antoinette didn’t expect it. Arielle had never hugged her so close before. She thought that only her parents could do that. But maybe it was okay because they were friends.
“What do you mean? What do the monsters take?” Antoinette asked, because she wanted to understand.
Arielle sighed.
“Oh, you know. Jewelry they don’t wear, instruments that are never played, velvet curtains that are never opened. Big, ridiculous things that they let rot. Stuff like that.”
Antoinette frowned. That didn’t sound like something monsters would do. Monsters hurt and kidnapped people. They didn’t have anything beautiful. They didn’t want anything beautiful.
“I don’t understand.”
Arielle pulled her closer, pressing Antionette against her chest. She choked on air, trying to tell Arielle that she was holding her too tight, but she couldn’t. Her chest felt too heavy and something smelled really, really sour.
“I’m glad you let me play dress up with you, Antoinette. I was never able to do that before. Now that I know what it’s like to have lovely things, I’ll be taking them for myself.”
Antoinette wasn’t just choking anymore. She felt something coming up her throat, like liquid spilling out. She didn’t feel a tightness anymore, but she felt something even worse. Something that felt like it was tearing through her chest, ripping up her skin…oh…oh…
Tears welled up in Antoinette’s eyes when she fell in Arielle’s arms and saw one of the rusty monster teeth sticking up from her chest, red blood staining her pink nightgown. She could see blood coming out of her mouth and…and she had to reach…pull it out…so she could…so she wouldn’t…no…she couldn’t…
Arielle brushed a lock of blond hair off Antoinette’s face as she took a last quivering breath.
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Hi Creeper, I'm back again!
I loved this short story. I could really picture the scenes as they progressed. It seemed to me, for some reason it would make a good picture book, because I could see it so clearly. The premise is very interesting, with Antoinette just wanting someone to play with. I at first thought that Antoinette would be the monster, but you subverted my expectations very nicely.
I think you could do with having some more of Antoinette's feeling and thoughts throught the piece to bring her alive a little more, or maybe some dialogue with her parents where they introduce Arielle and explain why she's baby sitting them!
Observations whilst reading:
Nice opening, getting straight to it. However, it is a little long. Maybe stop after Molly, have a new sentence that says. 'Molly wasn't very fun to play with.....'
Also, Antoinette is spelt wrong a few times through the story!
I don't think you meant to say Arielle again at the end there
Omg I did not expect this to the ending! I agree with what the previous review, you don't need to say she died; it's very much implied!
<3 keep writing!
Thx for reading and I’m glad you enjoyed!
I really love this short story. I am not a Sci Fi fan, but this story was very interesting to me. I will say the ending could be a little different, I dont personally feel like the "and died" part is necessary because "last quivering breath" will most likely have readers automatically assume that Antionette passed away. So I feel that if you had simply wrote "as she took her last quivering breath" it would have been the perfect end to the story. Otherwise I feel that this story is amazingly written, with correct grammar and punctuation throughout. I love that your word usage captures readers attention and builds suspense.