*This is part seven of my series “Alice and the aliens”. This story is underneath my folder titled “Alice and the aliens”. Gacha Club character designs are underneath my forum titled “My character designs <33”. Enjoy!*
Rebecca and Muerte were talking animatedly with B392 about the inner workings of the spaceship. Sage and Victoria were telling Melissa about what it was like to be space vampires, and Evanna, shackled to the ground, was watching silently. The arm that B392 had bitten off Evanna had grown back, due to space vampire anatomy.
Alice creaked open the door to A2614’s room. He had run off to his room after Victoria was found, and he hadn’t come out in a while.
He sat on his bed, head down, claws rubbing his yellow hair as though he were deep in thought
“A2614? Are you okay?” Alice asked, sitting next to him on the bed.
He looked up at her, his electric orange eyes tinged with tears.
“Captain D9302 killed my parents. All because they didn’t believe in her philosophy. We’ve been traveling in space for a while now, I’m not sure if we’ll ever find all of the ghosts. What if it’s too late? What if we’re all going to..to die?” He asked.
A2614 cringed, as though he regretted the words that came out of his mouth.
But Alice squeezed his claw gently and said:
“It’s not too late. We’re going to save all of the ghosts from being trapped, and we’re going to defeat Captain D3902. You said so yourself, that everything will be okay.”
She had to convince him, because if he didn’t listen, then why bother going through with the mission at all? It had to work. They couldn’t just let the whole world crumble…right?
The aircraft began to shake violently, as though it were in an Earthquake. The others at the control system screamed, Alice and A2614 held onto each other for dear life.
……………………………………………………
Alice attempted to walk through the rattling Earthquake, A2614 holding onto her. She had to see…had to see if everyone was okay…
All that was left was Evanna shackled to the ground, and Sage hugging Victoria close.
Rebecca and Muerte. Her two close friends since middle school. Gone.
B392, A2614’s sister. Gone.
Melissa, her own little sister whom she tried to protect from the oddities of the alien world…Gone.
All around them was a funnel…a funnel of…
Alice closed her eyes, searching for the funnel’s true core, the funnel’s true energy.
The funnel wasn’t natural. It was compiled of pain and suffering, constructed by someone else.
It was made of souls, souls that were lost, souls that were broken…scared souls, petrified souls…child souls…child souls with no one to go to, no hope left in their little hearts.
Orphans. They were the ghosts of orphans.
Something with sheer power and force had made them constructed into a funnel, something malicious and hateful, something that wasn’t of Earth…
Alice got a flash of a pale woman in violet armor with sparkling, violent blue eyes, her white hair holding faded colors of teal and purple.
It was none other than Captain D9302.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Cheerio here with a review! Let's get it. (using the pumpkin pie method ofc, I know you're probably tired of it by now. Sorry. I'll make another one soon. But for now...pumpkin pie!)
The crust (the foundation of your story):
1. It's been a while since a chapter has started off independently rather than being a transition from the last. I found it refreshing. Well done.
2. Alice going to check on her man...loved it.
3. The bit about space vampire anatomy was good. I thought she was going to have one arm forever, lol. I forgot she wasn't human.
The filling (the body of your story):
1. Alice encouraging Bryon (I know that's his human name, I just find it easier to review with because sometimes I forget his actual name. Sorry about that) is a wonderful addition because it shows that even the ones in charge of the mission have their doubts about how successful their going to be.
2. Melissa being gone shook me to my core. I was shooketh. She's gone. After all the precautians Alice tried to take to protect her she just disappeared so suddenly. I could feel Alice's horror (especially since I'm an older sister to four siblings.)
3. The description of Captain D9302 was very well done. She's like the captain of captains. Love that for her.
4. Bryon explaining to Alice what Captain D9302 did to his parents brought some emotional weight to this chapter that leaves the readers understanding the gravity of the situation.
What could use improvement (aka: more whipped cream to your pie):
1. A little more description between Alice and Bryon. Maybe let them have a little moment before disaster strikes.
2. This is just a personal opinion, but feel that Alice and the whole crew haven't had a moment of peace for long enough since leaving Earth. Ofc, if they had a moment of peace for too long then the story would be boring.
Overall, well done. I hope Melissa isn't gone forever (and everyone else that disappeared, ofc.)
keep writing!
Your fellow writer,
Cheerio
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression
Well this is an interesting little development in the saga. Looks like things really take quite the turn here when it comes to how many of those aliens can actually be trusted in the end.
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Well looks like things are at a small standstill there for the moment. They're all taking a second to sit down and reflect on everything that's gone down so far. We'll see what's going to come of that.
Well looks like we have a couple of problems coming out there. Things aren't exactly peachy with I suppose is pretty obvious from all the injuries and things that we are working with here.
Oh dear well that went from bad to worse rather quickly there. Definitely looks like things are doing too terribly well at the moment. Poor Alice is going to have to hold on for dear life.
Well looks like that earthquake is having some horrible side effects at least as far as can be seen for the moment. Oh dear. This is definitely not a good sign so far here.
Oh boy well that seems like a horrifying funnel to put it mildly. The further we go, the more horrifying things would get it seems. Oh dear. Alice is going to have a lot of pain to deal with soon.
Oh dear well given what we learnt so far that isn't terribly surprising. Looks like we've got a healthy amount of betrayal floating about and now all Alice can do is perhaps get revenge.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
Overall
Overall looks like our captain is the culprit there and things have gone very very wrong for Alice and the few aliens that remain loyal. Well this is certainly set up for some exciting stuff ahead and I look forward to reading them!
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Hello there, one of King Koopa’s loyal henchmen, here!
Hello again! ~ Writing Commentary
I think this chapter does a good job of adding a bit more character to Captain D9302. Her philosophy seems to revolve around wanting the universe to die? I am unsure, just ideas. The protags goals is to get rid of the ghosts and send them to Heaven(?). I assume that the Captain is opposing them, I am certainly curious!
With this, it seems like we will get some insight into my previous statement next chapter.
Love and…Lost Souls ~ Story Commentary
Now that I am caught up to your story so far, I will leave some of my takeaways.
Your characters are pretty interesting thus far. I think the mere shortness of the chapter is where I find it a bit difficult to see much of your character’s personality traits thus far, besides Alice and her sister.
For example A2614’s main trait is that…he is an alien and he loves Alice, for…some reason. I assume you will answer this soon, but I think there is more to do when it comes to personality. Perhaps little quirks, stuff like that. I don’t feel like I know much about him personally, but I do have an idea about what his species is like.
I also have mixed feelings about the names like “A2614”. It feels like these characters have names that robots would have, not aliens. Usually when I include otherworldly or alien-like figures in my stories, I try to give them weird names (guess a comparison to make could be Star Wars…). Or I give naming conventions to their society. For example, a world bases names all on animals, so there are characters with names like “Panda, Kitty”, etc. I guess the number thing is a naming convention, but I don’t feel like they are particularly memorable because the number feels more like a random string of numbers.
Sorry for the ramble there. This is all my opinion and shouldn’t be taken to heart. This is also my opinion THUS FAR. It will likely change in later chapters, since I think we are still quite early in the story.
The Tornado… ~ Closer
Either way, interesting chapter!
Let's get into this little beauty...
A Little Skimming - First Impressions
A short, dramatic tidbit to this series. Starting off describing what everyone on crew were doing, a sort of recap on what's happening. You describe the doubt of A2614 very well, Alice going to check on him. She tries to encourage him, but then something makes the ship tremble. A ghost. Multiple ghosts, and Captain D9302 one of them.
Love it! - Parts That I Like
Wow. First off, a love the dramatism of the beginning. You bring out realistic doubts from A2614. It helps the reader sort of see into the character's mind in a way.
Ooh, the suspense was wonderfully built here. I love how you constructed it in a way to make the reader itch to read on.
Again, the suspense is so well made. The repetition of the statement brought out the sense of worry and uncertainty of Alice. I absolutely loved that!
Oh my gosh, I wanted to cry at this part. The depth and sadness of these lines. The depression and weight of loss crowding this character's mind. It was a nice touch to add in those emotions. Well done!
Mmm, I love the descriptions you used for this part. The details of the woman really lets me teleport into the world you describe.
Just A Tad Off... - Errors and Corrections
Not much corrections.
I would just love it if you included more descriptions of characters and such. I feel like it would be much more captivating if you added more characteristics on each individuals appearance, or the inside of the aircraft. It would also help to elongate the story more. Maybe you could include more in one part, combine other parts, or just add more scenes, because a usual novel chapter is a tad longer than this.
Salutations! - Final Thoughts and Goodbyes
Thanks for the tag! Tag me on the next one! Have a wonderful day, and keep writing!
Inferno
Hello hello I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review. I have read some of this series before but not in order or fully, please forgive me if I get something wrong. Let's get into it, shall we?
Overall I liked this piece I don't have much context ( My fault not yours) but I feel this is when the conflict starts to heat up. I liked that it started off nice and quiet so the ending not only has the needed setup but also a bigger impact. On a side note biting people's arms off and space vampires sure caught my attention might need to read this fully.
Now onto the feedback, I promise this won't be too long. I will say that I still feel having thoughts and inner monologues in italics would help them stand out a bit more. It does get a little confusing when the pose gets a bit choppy like towards the end of this chapter.
As for the writing itself, I did notice some things that might help it overall. Please do keep in mind I am not a professional nor does anything I say need to be used. I want to start with a quick and easy fix.
This feels a little long to be one piece of dialogue I would personally break it up.
It might not be perfect but makes it easier for the reader to take in the next line while reading.
Although there's nothing wrong with this sentence personally the phrasing tripped me up a little. Of course, this could be just a me thing however I will put a version of it that might flow better below. ( might be a bit janky it's late here sorry)
last but Least but not least we have one line that has such a good impact but with a little rephrasing could shine even more.
This is a very good line but I have a few nitpicks that I hope you don't mind. Personally, I would put a period after blue eyes to avoid a run-on sentence. Secondly, the use of violent and sparkling kind of threw me off since they were back-to-back but it can work. It might just need to be rephrased a little.
However, I still liked this one and hope this wasn't too harsh. As always keep writing and drink water!