*This story is underneath my folder titled “Alice and the aliens”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1440. Enjoy!*
There was once a sixteen year old girl named Alice who wanted to hang out with her friends, Rebecca and Murete, more.
But of course, her parents wanted her to watch over her little sister, Melissa, who was not the easiest to take care of. It was not as if Alice could say no to it, for it was set in stone by her parents to watch over her.
Maybe if Alice and her friends went shopping with Melissa, then they could all have fun together. It seemed like the right thing to do.
Yes, a simple night would be fun. It could be fun. Really…
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Good morning!
Told you I’d be reading this one today :3 Then I saw I already did that... so here's just me, wondering if you meant "Muerte" in the first paragraph?
Oh! Perhaps I did, I get confused when spelling her name at times.
Morning~
A quick review for a short little snippet ^^
Hmm it doesn’t really feel like this is a complete piece. It’s very short and doesn’t really give any additional insights into your characters, separated from the main story.
I found most of the phrasings solid, but kinda stumbled over length a bit here: “ It was not as if Alice could say no to it, for it was set in stone by her parents to watch over her.“ I feel like you could be shorter and sweeter here xd (Yes, yes even in a short piece like this one XD)
Prelude to something horrible happening during this “simple, fun night” huh?
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hello there creeperfeverdreams! i have to say i'm not entirely sure which part of the story this is, but it feels a bit like a prologue? maybe a bit more accurate would be a character description/introduction? well, i just wanted to disclaim that if anything i point out is already handled in another part of the story, sorry about that :3
anyway, lets get into it!
this is a shorter piece, so there's not as much to say about it. from what i can see you have good sentence structure, spelling, grammar and all that technical stuff so i won't talk about that.
the repetition of 'it could be fun' in the ending feels a bit sinister, at least to me. it makes me curious what's going to happen. it seems like poor melissa might be in trouble, but i hope alice won't be the cause of it...
i wish we'd gotten a bit more physical descriptions if this is specifically character introduction. you do include a link to your character designs, and i have to say i admire the effort you put into making these characters, but at the same time it can be hard to get the details from gacha life since it has a pretty distinct and relatively simplistic artstyle. if there are any distinct features like scars, moles or even things like the shape of someone's nose that could help character's feel more like real people instead of drawings. this is pretty subjective, though, so take it with a grain of salt.
i also wish we had gotten more of the characters and dynamics. melissa being hard to take care of made me curious as to why. i'd also love to know how old she is, and how old alice is.
you say it's 'set in stone' by alice's parents that she has to take care of melissa, so maybe you could expand a bit on the parents and their relationship with their daughters? are they incredibly strict and demanding, or is alice feeling like she has to take care of melissa wether she wants to or not because of a sense of duty and responsibilty? it could show us a lot of either the parents or alice.
overall great work, and thanks for sharing!
Thx for reading and the advice!