*This is part eight of my “Alice and the aliens” stories. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33”. Enjoy!*
Alice didn’t think. She just did.
She let go of A2614’s wrist and placed her hand on the ground, trying her best to part the funnel made of screaming orphan ghosts.
The ghosts screamed on and on. There was a little peace, but only a little.
Alice decided to try harder, digging deeper into their lives.
But it all jumbled into sufferings made of one. The orphans were not bright-eyed nor hopeful, all they did was cry louder.
Alice was thrown towards the side of the aircraft, heart racing rapidly, blood on her stomach.
The orphans were attacking her. Trying to kill her. Furious at her for “interfering”, as they called it.
Alice could see A2614 biting his claws nervously, but Sage’s bottom lip curled into a snarl.
“Captain D9302 has made these orphans become consumed by their hatred. It’s not just Alice who needs to help. We’ve got to part the orphan ghosts ourselves. Come on, don’t just stand there! You too, Victoria! We need all the help we can get!” Sage barked.
A2614 leapt towards the glass window and broke it open with his fists, reaching towards the ghosts and…and pushing them apart?
Alice noticed that they were all conjoined together, arm to arm, hip to hip, to keep the funnel moving.
Even little Victoria was pushing them apart with her tiny claws. Alice watched them both tiredly, her eyes catching a glance at Sage freeing Evanna.
Her eyes narrowed. Why was Sage freeing her? Evanna was a captive, she had to be locked up.
But Evanna didn’t run away. She joined A2614 and Victoria, working to bring the ghosts apart with her claws. Sage came along too, making a gesture at Alice to hurry up.
Alice closed her eyes and reached into the minds of the ghost orphans. They were starting to calm down since they were being broken apart, Alice could sense that in the lessening hostility.
But if she didn’t help them pass on, then they would be trapped in space.
She faced the group of frightened, dirtied children. They clung to each other, unsure of their fate. Alice and the orphans were in a garden that was both dying and growing, the place in between Heaven and Hell, the place where souls were judged.
Though some of the children were not six but sixteen, that didn’t make them any less valuable. All their lives, they lived in fear of what was to come. They wanted families, but they wanted good families. Families who didn’t hurt them.
They all died in the past, ranging from the nineteen twenties to the nineteen fifties. Old ghosts, yet trapped in a state of youth. Children that were failed. Children that fell to the elements of sickness and disease. Children who weren’t cared for properly by the orphanage director.
“It’s okay, it’s over now. You’re safe now. You can rest now. Look.” Alice said.
She spread out her arms and opened up a pink hole in the sky that drifted between night and day. The scent of flowers flowed out of the hole like a waterfall, and her anxiety was beginning to quell. Was it hers or the orphans’? She wasn’t sure, they were so interconnected.
They didn’t move at first. Then one small boy flew up. Then a little girl. Then some of the older kids. Then the younger ones.
Soon, they were all rising up to the eternal garden of Heaven, the place of rest, the place where they could be children without terror, the land of the fresh flowers and the blue sky.
Alice sighed, letting out a breath that felt like crisp, cool air.
Would all her fears disappear once she went to Heaven?
Alice found herself back on the floor of the spaceship, in A2614’s arms. The paranormal world had faded away like a watercolor painting, as natural as waking up.
Sage, Evanna, and Victoria held onto each other fearfully. Why were they shaking so much? Weren’t the orphans saved?
She paled. A2614 held onto tighter, as though he didn’t want to lose her.
For although the orphan ghost funnel was gone, the aircraft was plummeting rapidly towards Earth, causing the space controls to move in a frenzy from the speed. No one could control where it landed, they were at the mercy of the UFO.
Alice couldn’t sense any more ghosts trapped, but how could she tell? They were moving at such a speed that nothing seemed to make sense. What was Earth like? Were her friends okay? Was B392 okay?
Was Melissa okay?
Alice burrowed her face further into A2614’s chest. It was unrealistic to hope for the best, but it’d make her feel better.
Even just one glimmer of optimism would help.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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G'day, here to review another story.
The crust (the foundation of your story):
1. Love that Alice took action instead of being frozen in fear (cuz I would've been for sure)
2. The pacing was good. It didn't feel too rushed or too slow (what I like to call stuck in the mud. Or stuck like chuck in a pick up truck, lol)
The filling (the body of your story):
1. I like that Alice worked as hard as she could to get the orphans to heaven.
2. Everyone chipped in and helped her do what needed to be done.
3. Love how Bryon caught her and held onto her. They're literally so cute.
Room for improvement:
1. Were those all the ghosts they had to free? I thought there would be hundreds of millions.
2. This isn't the final boss moment with Captain D9302 is it? I'll assume no.
Sorry for this being so short. I used my Pumpkin Pie method, which I'm sure you're used to by now. Overall, loved this. Can't wait to finish it. You're such a good writer. Keep it up.
Your fellow writer,
Cheerio.
For now, yes, these are the only ghosts. I know how I%u2019ve written it implied that there would be more but I don%u2019t want to make too many ghost characters. Perhaps I%u2019ll change a few things.
Thank you for the review. ^v^
Hey there! Wolfi here, reviewing on behalf of Team Apples this Review Day! <3
Although I'm jumping into this story blind and all these characters are new to me, I'm surprised to find that I wasn't as lost/confused as I thought I would be. It may be helpful for you if I summarized the chapter (er, story part?) as I understood it, so here it is:
Alice and a group of aliens, one of which, Evanna, is a captive, are trying to help a group of orphan ghosts. While the aliens work physically to separate the ghosts from each other, Alice uses her mind to enter the collective consciousness of the orphans and learns of the unresolved pain they experienced during their lives. She sees that they're stuck in purgatory, and helps them travel upward to heaven. When Alice breaks out of the mental/emotional immersion, she's surprised to see that her companions are not also relieved but are instead panicked. The aircraft that they're inside is falling to Earth, aaaagh!
Some things I really appreciated:
1. How the POV of all of Alice's mental explorations were in italics. Made it easy to follow when she was switching back and forth.
2. The emotional descriptions, like how Alice and the orphans become one in their shared anxiety, the pain of unrequited hope, and the incredible sense of relief and peace when the orphans were finally free to enter eternal rest.
3. Descriptions like
Just gorgeous!
As for what you could work on, the main thing that comes to mind is making things a bit more clear in terms of who is where and what the scene looks like and what exactly is happening. Now, there's a very good chance that I felt totally confused by some descriptions because this is the first part of the story I'm reading, so take this with a grain of salt, but I have no idea what the "funnel" is supposed to look like, or where the ghosts were vs the aircraft, or how far apart Alice was from the ghosts, and how the aliens were physically able to separate the ghosts (aren't ghosts supposed to be immaterial?).
I really enjoyed this! Keep up the good work!
Wolfi
Hello Hello, I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review. As always I will apologize as I have yet to read through the series fully so I might get something wrong. However, I think that's enough preface. Let's get into it, shall we?
Overall this was a very interesting and intense read. It was ramping up when I last read and reviewed your work but it seems things have gotten more dire. The cast is in a very tricky situation and I really don't want the Heaven line to be foreshadowing. All the cast seems nice besides the killer aliens and biting of arms, this is a cruel death for them.
The idea of optimism and the past being hard to move on from hits so close to home. I think we all in some way felt like our family or society failed us so to have that represented by ghostly children is a great metaphor. I don't know if you meant it to be but to me, I can see it as mourning your inner child before healing and moving on. ( It also reminds me of Fnaf.)
I love this line! The imagery is so good even if it is short, I think this is my favourite line in the whole piece. It captures the idea and energy in such a fantastical and breathtaking way. Although I did enjoy the chapter as a whole don't worry.
Now before we move on to the feedback I just want to apologize that this might be a tad short. It's been a long day so I am just a tad tired. As always I am not a professional nor do you have to use anything I say. You are the author after all!
This going to be very brief as I could only find two very nitpicky things.
There's nothing wrong with this line however the last part feels a little stilted. I would tweak this ever so slightly to help the flow. Something like this perhaps.
I want to bring up one last thing before we wrap it all up. Once again it's very nitpicky so I hope you bear with me here.
You might have missed a word here. At least to me it feels a bit choppy however I am tired so it could be my bad. I would rephrase it like this.
Regardless I found this a good read things are getting tense. I am very curious about what's going to go down in chapter nine. Perhaps I will find out tomorrow during the review day! I do wish you a good night and/or day in the meantime.
As always keep writing and remember to drink water!