12+ Violence Mature Content

Alice and the aliens: part one

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*This is part one of a series I’m making. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*

Alice and Bryon had their arms linked, walking together in Main Street of Merricksville. Alice’s friends, Rebecca and Muerte, followed by her little sister, Melissa, carrying three shopping bags in her left hand.

“Can we go to Jessica’s? I saw some really pretty clothes in there!”

“Melissa, I already bought you clothes to last you for five years! You don’t need anything new.” Alice said.

It was supposed to be a day out with her friends and boyfriend, but their parents just had to go out. They had to leave Alice to babysit Melissa.

All the money that was supposed to be spent going out was spent on Melissa, who wanted a closet full of bright clothes. It was the one thing that kept her entertained, besides watching videos on Alice’s phone, and even that didn’t entrance her for long.

Bryon let go of Alice’s arm and reached his hands out towards the sky, as if absorbing the sun. He did that sometimes. Alice asked him why once and Bryon just said that he needed to do it, that if he didn’t do it, he wouldn’t feel right.

So, she didn’t say anything more about it. Did people stare? Yes. Did her friends give Bryon weird looks? Yes.

But people did odd things, so why not just accept it instead of asking a plethora of questions?

“Why is he doing that?” Melissa asked, a note of annoyance in her voice.

Perhaps Melissa didn’t mean to sound annoyed, but nevertheless, it angered Alice within. Why would Melissa even ask in the first place? It was none of her business.

“I like doing it. That’s all.” Bryon said, releasing his hands.

“Are you an alien? Aliens-“

“Melissa!”

“What? I’m just asking.”

That was another thing. Melissa read too many sci-fi horror novels. Anytime someone did something out of the ordinary, she assumed that the person was an extraterrestrial.

Instead of seeming slightly upset, like most people were, Bryon turned around, facing Melissa, and smiled.

“You don’t have to worry. I’m not an alien.”

……………………………………………………

It had been a while since Melissa asked that question. Night was starting to fall and the group was heading back home, eager for some rest. They were no longer in Main Street, but in the convenience store-lined Iris Street, headed to Alice and Melissa’s house.

Bryon stopped in front of a dark alley, letting go of Alice’s arm.

“I…I just need to do something.” Bryon said, voice distant.

“Do something? What could you possibly need to do?” Rebecca asked. Muerte was in silence, but she too was beginning to really think about Bryon’s antics, about how he just stopped to touch the sun.

Bryon ran into the dark alley, as if in pursuit of the ice cream truck.

“He’s an alien.” Melissa whispered to Alice.

“He’s not and I’m going to prove it right now.” Alice said, walking into the alley.

Why did her friends have to judge her? Why did Melissa have to make that stupid comment?

What was their deal?

……………………………………………………

“Bryon? Bryon, where are you?” Alice asked. She hated how her footsteps echoed, as if she were in a typical horror movie. Sure, Bryon had his quirks, but that didn’t mean he was an alien, right?

Alice found Bryon hunched on the ground, except his hair wasn’t blond, it was bright, unnatural yellow.

As Alice got closer, she thought that she heard wild, animalistic chewing. But she couldn’t have, could she?

“Bryon?”

Bryon sharply turned around, yellow hair swishing with electric movement.

Alice rubbed her eyes, making sure that she wasn’t seeing things.

No, it was all real.

Bryon’s skin was lizard green. Black markings danced through his body. His eyes were snake eyes, orange in color.

His mouth was wide open, jagged teeth dripping with blood and raccoon fur. His clawed hands held the limp, defeated body of a raccoon.

“Alice…” Bryon trailed off. His voice was hazy, not quite present.

Alice tried backing away, but she couldn’t move. She was trapped in a state of stillness, staring at Bryon and his bloody mouth.

“Alice, you weren’t supposed to see that.”

Bryon got up from the ground, still holding the raccoon. His legs were slightly spread apart, his back was hunched. Did he always stand like that? Alice couldn’t recall. In all of those moments of his eccentricities, he never once thought to tell her the truth?

“I can’t have you come back home…not after…not after what you saw.”

She noticed that he was speaking slowly, carefully. Trying to sound human.

“So I’m taking you with me.”

A clap of the universal sky surrounded Alice, filled with stars, supernovas, and planets. The very Earth was gone, leaving only the beyond.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Cheerio
Review
Cheerio wrote a review · Mon Sep 08, 2025 9:27 pm

Hey, creeperfeverdreams! It's Cheerio here with a review of this wonderful story. As I've done for your others, I'll be using my Pumpkin Pie Method (since it's fall and I've been craving pumpkin pie, lol). Aja! (That means let's go).

The Crust (the foundation of your story):

1. We're introduced to the characters in a way that doesn't feel forced or overwhelming.

2. Bryon's strange habits not only puzzle the characters, but the reader as well.

3. Alice's annoyance with her sister is a very relatable part of the story. Good job.


The Filling (the body of your story):

1. The fact that Melissa insisted he was an alien was a very nice touch.

2. Alice's friends and sister, doubting Bryon, added to the tension that Alice already felt with his strange habits.

3. Bryon defended himself, but not enough to convince the others (and the readers) that he wasn't an alien.

The whipped cream...is almost done? (what could be improved):

1. "Alice’s friends, Rebecca and Muerte, followed by her little sister, Melissa, carrying three shopping bags in her left hand." This sentence could've had a little bit more readability. I had to go back and reread it a couple of times.

2. Here and there a few sentences could've been a bit cleaner for better readability, but apart from that everything else was good.

As usual, great job. This is a wonderful story with a wonderful plot and hook. You always leave readers craving more and I can't wait to find out more.
Keep writing!
Your fellow writer,
Cheerio.

User avatar
goodolnoah
Review

Image

Hello there, one of King Koopa’s loyal henchmen, here!

Hello there! ~ Writing Commentary

Greetings Vamp! (can I call you Vamp?) I’ve been wanting to check out one of your stories for a while, and I saw some chapters of this one laying around in the green room, so I decided I would take a gander. I love the idea of aliens, so this one piqued my interest!

The development here we have is that Alice’s boyfriend, Byron, is an ALIEN! I love the buildup to the final scene of him being an alien. You have a quick and snappy writing style that adds a bit of humor that always seems to do just about anything well. I imagine it’s similar to the quick 11ish minute episodes of shows like Regular Show or the like (but a bit more serialized).

Poor Raccoon… ~ Closer

It seems like Alice has been flicked into space by Byron…I can only guess what is going to happen next…

Glad you enjoyed! You can most certainly call me Vamp. ^v^

User avatar
IcyFlame
Review

Hey vampricone! Happy start of RevMo :) popping by for a quick review this evening.

I like the image of all the characters together at the beginning of this, though I think that might be a few too many to introduce all in one go. It might work better if they were introduced more slowly so we can connect with a character or two before the next one is introduced. That also means we as the reader will feel more strongly about what happens to them throughout the story because we’ll be able to separate them from one another more easily.

I also didn’t really understand why Melissa was having all the money spent on her by her sister. I get that Alice is stuck tugging her around but would she really be expected to buy her all those clothes with her money? I found it hard to gauge Melissa’s age too - especially with her watching videos on her sister’s phone!

The finding out of the truth about Byron was quite intense, it’s interesting that without her sister Alice might never have found out the truth!

Looking forward to chapter two!

Icy

User avatar
Shia
Review
Shia wrote a review · Thu Aug 31, 2023 4:26 pm

Hi! Hope you are having a great day!
Your story was amazing and intriguing a lot to be honest. I am really curios to know what happens next?
Starting off, the language of the story is really simple and easy to read and understand which I appreciated a lot. The concept of this alien was a great idea too.
Gosh! The scene of Alice finding out the truth of Bryon was quite intense. It was really good to see you holding the suspense well. Good job!
Little Melissa seems to be quite cheeky and intelligent too which adds a sweet tone to the otherwise grimness.
Overall I liked it a lot. Cant wait to see what happens next!



Maybe I should say something quote-worthy, like, I dunno... "You can only be happy if you decide to be happy?"
— Necromancer14