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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
I love this poem! How did you format it?
ah, sorry really late response, I was just looking through my old works. I just wrote the poem as is and I added a few extra spaces in the middle, and depending what you write with (Word or Docs) you can usually do a draw tool and you can draw a straight line!
This reminds me of Gatsby. Interesting poem, makes you think.
Yea, I read Gatsby this weekend so I just kind of paralleled it in here.
Hello anngelalu,
This was a very interesting poem, with a beautiful layout. <3 However, since it seems two things are happening in two different places at the same time, (which I think is fantastic) the story isn't quite clear. On one side, there's a house which the narrator views. On the other side, there is a person who turns the lights on (presumably the narrator of the right side). However, in both it seems that a person is viewing a house, as you would only turn lights on within a house. These two narrators aren't really seeing each other at the same time, and I think it would be interesting if you added a combined stanza at the end.
Anyway, it seems like both sides are longing for what the other has, but it's kind of arranged in a strange way because they're both mad, screaming and watching people cry. It seems a little confusing to me about what's really going on, and I don't know what your intentions were with the poem, so maybe you can make that a bit more precise? I don't know, it's pretty cool as it is. Also, I think it would be neat if they had the same number of lines, so they can mirror each other more fully.
That's really all the thoughts I had, hope something in there was helpful!
-Falco
I was aiming for the same narrator on both sides, but thank you for the review!
Hey anngelalu! It's ScytheMeister here for a quick review.
First of all, I loved this layout! It was unique and interesting. They way you split the two moments seemed to fit the story perfectly, however I have a slight question: are the words on the right from the perspective of the "one who lives across the lake"?
If so, I think it makes for an amazing story. The switch in perspective's is wonderful; seeing both points of view.
My initial analysis was that two residents lived on the lakeside—perhaps never communicating as such—but one of the residents [the one who lives across the lake] is mistreated (abused?) so that explains the first person's screaming across the dock.
On the second section, I think it is from the perspective of the second person who lives across the lake.
I believe this implies that they wish to be with that first person, away from their current situation (of abuse). Something like that.
Overall, it was an amazing piece! I loved it. I hope my interpretations were somewhere close to the original. Good work! I hope to read more.
Keep Writing! <3
- ScytheMeister
ah, I like your interpretation of mistreatment and abuse, but I really don't know what I was shooting for. Thanks for the review.