please, my brothers and sisters
remember the days when we cackled like cracked lightning.
and forget,
forget when our hearts sunk and when our eyes
were so devoid of meaning and simply
forget.
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Hey, Tiana here for a review. Now I see this is one of three poems that you've done, I will review the other two after this one.
Your metaphors are spot on, using cracked lightning to describe laughter... 'cackling' is really interesting, it's almost an oxymoron; cracked lightning is almost a derogatory metaphor and cackling is happy most of the time. So to use them in conjunction with one another is truly magnificent. HOWEVER.
I don't like the word cackle. It's one of those words for me like the word "Moist"; this part of the poem I grimaced at since it just doesn't fit it.
Other than that, everything else is so good and I love this and I'm onto the next two right away!!
Thanks and have a lovely day - Tiana
This is Nikayla dropping in for another review!
So this is a poem that interested me more than the other one I just reviewed, but I've found they have similar qualities and similar ways of getting their message across to the reader. Jumping right into it, I couldn't or wasn't able to tell what sense you use 'brothers and sisters' in the first line. Is it literal? Is it metaphorical? It's something I would like to know but you don't really have to disclose that as it doesn't really matter too much because the rest of the poem doesn't really focus on that. It's a short and sweet poem that gives its message and then leaves. I like the image of cackling like lightning but I would have liked to see it expanded on in terms of imagery.
The repetition of 'forget' in line three and four being so close together didn't really work for me and I think it works better if you take the "forget" out of the start of line four as it's repeating itself. Another option that you have is to take out line three because that isn't really necessary to the poem either and is really just taking up more word space that you can be using on something else. There's imagery in the poem, but you don't really take it to its full extent. The message of the poem is fine and there's no real problem with it, but the execution of that message isn't all that strong with the last three lines. We get the first side of it which happens to be the happy memories and then you're saying to forget the memories of being more somber.
The imagery didn't really work with me all that much near the end and I would have liked to see something that related more with the first three lines. Build a metaphor for the poem. You already include lightning-related imagery, so why not have the last three lines relate to rain? It keeps the same topic of imagery instead of jumping around and it lets the poem dig its roots. Perhaps build the image in the last three lines on forgetting the days when the rain pattered against the window and they had to stay inside. Build on what you've used before in the poem and use that to your advantage to expand.
I hope I helped and have a great day!