Dry, chapped lips
whispering prayers into the wind
words soundlessly slipping into static noise
burning, bright electric eyes
piercing the heavens above
death.
no stars, no sounds, just smoke
fires inhaling the human body
never to return again
skinny corpses becoming dead bodies
and no one makes a sound
survival.
memories flooding their eyes with tears
ashes and smoke, ashes and smoke
walking these grounds, walking with the dead
hung by string and drowned by heat
but it will never make sense to me
gone.
“God save us,” dispersed into the wind
never again, never again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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129,146 Literary Works • 671,501 Reviews
Hey babe, sorry I'm so behind on reviewing but evidently I learned how to be a grade A procrastinator this weekend. XD Anyways, on to the review!
So, this is a really good first YWS poem! I love the imagery you have, I mentioned before I especially liked "burning, bright electric eyes/piercing the heavens above..." The length of this poem, I thought, was also perfect for the idea you're trying to transmit. I think you were able to fully describe the horror detailed in "Night", but you did it fairly quickly, which allowed readers to remain interested throughout the whole of the poem. However, while there was very much that I did like about this poem, there were still things that I think you could change that might make it even better.
First, I think this would work better in stanzas. The way you have the lines grouped in a sort of pattern would make it perfect to split them every six lines. I just think it would look/feel more natural that way, but that is completely my opinion, and it's up to you what you want to do. If you need help working with the YWS formatting, just let me know.
Second, I was a little bit confused about you punctuation. While you did have some, for example you had a period at the end of every six lines, it seemed as if in other places where punctuation was necessary it was omitted. I feel as if you should make this more uniform so that it has a bit of better flow. I would either remove all punctuation or add in some more at places where you think it would feel natural.
Anyways, good job with this poem! As I said before, I generally liked, but I do hope you address those specific things that I mentioned so that your poem can be even better.
Thanks for the read, and good luck!
herbgirl
Heyo! Silverberry here, and although I don't know how helpful I'll be in a poem that doesn't rhyme, I'll try my best to review!
.Okay right off the bat I'd suggest adding stanzas so you have some structure and so your single word lines are more dramatic. Also it seems that you start with a new idea after every single word line so I think stanzas would be helpful.
Overall I love all the alliteration in your poem I think it makes it even more interesting, so good job on that! I especially like the
I don't really understand this line, for corpse and dead body are the same thing... Also, you have the word "body" two lines above this one so the repetition is a little awkward.
When it comes to punctuation, I would suggest putting a period on the lines right before the single word lines to (again) make it more dramatic.
Okay! Well that's it, it was honestly a great poem and a wonderful first post, so good job! I was a little confused about the overall theme of the poem, but I loved your imagery and alliteration. Keep writing and I hope I was at least a little helpful.