stars

Hey there! Just stopping by to leave a review with a few of my thoughts. (This is the second poem about stars that I've reviewed this week, I am a fan of using stars as a metaphor because they can literally be used for so many things! And stars are just fascinating too! Anyways....)

Meaning & First Impressions
I like the concept of looking at tears, but seeing them as stars - kind of personifying or I guess objectifying the concept of loss in both a literal (tears) and figurative (stars) sense. I take the poem to mean, that some losses become far away, they are separated from us (like stars and tears) they are dreams that die. But some losses or dreams, turn around, there's something redeemable in them something that catches on and comes back to us (like a falling star that hits the earth). I think there is also the option to read this piece a bit more spiritually using maybe the image of water running down a face could be read as baptism, and then we die (a physical death) but in the end part of us "returns home" (to heaven/nirvana/reincarnation - whatever your flavor of belief is).

These are just my thoughts on possible avenues of interpretation - I guess the critique in here, is that there are a lot of ways it could go. This poem has fantastic imagery, it is beautiful being both simple and complex, and there are really clear feelings of loss and maybe hope at the end -- but the issue (at least for me) is that this poem just is a bit too ambiguous as it stands. Now some people are huge huge huge fans of ambiguity in all of its forms and might just latch onto it, but for me ambiguity is better in doses.

Ambiguity vs. Clarity
I don't think that you necessarily have to clarify why the speaker is feeling sorrow, what the stars really symbolize, or what the significance of "home" is in this context. But I do think that this poem would benefit from having at least some of those questions made clearer, or hinted at, so that the reader can get to a clearer idea of what the author is intending to mean and also is enabled to feel more sympathy and connection with the speaker. For me, I would love to see another stanza (or 2 or 3) added to this piece - what you have is beautiful, but I would love to see more clarity.

Formatting
I appreciated the formatting that you used - the first line being offset and lower-cased creates almost a feeling of dissonance (or being out of place) and lets the reader know before even getting to the second letter of the poem that something is wrong. I think it may be interesting to play with the line break in line 3 a little bit, to make the words look like they're diminishing by having the lines get shorter and shorter - but that's just a thought. One thing I noticed is I think you might mean "drowns" in line three? For me, that would make more sense as "downs" is a bit redundant with the word "diminishes" following it, even "falls" might make more sense (although isn't alliterative).

Overall, I liked the piece and do look forward to reading more of your work. It was a short enjoyable piece that took a sweet turn at the end.

Please let me know if you have any questions about my comments.
Best of luck in your writing!

~alliyah

hmm, I can honestly say I was following until the last line: I suppose it's just so open-ended it could be taken in any number of ways. I like how you thought to put the bridge of your nose in their as some imagery and a little double-entendre thing there, giving us a picture of perhaps some creek or river under a bridge, perhaps the narrator standing there too. Since you mention stars maybe it can be night time as well.

Now i'm not so big on where you chose to break your lines here. The third line has less impact the way it flows. Another thing that's not so great about the third line is "every one downs." Especially in a tiny poem such as this word choice is perhaps the most crucial thing to its whole stylized empire. Replacing downs with something such as dwindles, or since you already have diminishes there you could just leave out that part altogether (although i strongly disrecommend that if you want to keep us with the glowing lifesource of a star).

Die is also a very, bland word, although it is not half-bad in this situation for what it is doing in this poem. I think, looking through it some more times now, I'm getting what you mean by home: supernova new-beginnings stuff. Now if that is the case, it would communicate to us better if instead of dies, or along with dies, you put detonates or "catches summer fire like a ripe dandelion." You know we wanna feel this stuff; we're waiting to have bombs dropped on us and our stomachs drop through the patio.

I love this idea, and I love how it doesn't just whine about pain, but twists it into a hopeful ray, like, "tomorrow will not be a rainy day." I would just argue such an idea could use a hair's width more of development or even employ a little bit of build up. I hope this feedback is actually useful to you, and sorry if that is not so! *Hugs* * GREEEEAAAAT BIG ONES!!*

Hey there! Shey here to review!

So, nice poem you have here. Normally I would say it's too short, but it gets the point across in a concise yet effective way, which is good.

Seeing as it is quite short, there isn't much to comment on. However, I would say it is still a good poem. Nothing was unnecessary, and that's something anyone and everyone could learn a lesson from. Often, people overload their poems with description and pointless phrases, which takes away from poetry as a whole. Description and phrases are always a good thing, but too much, and you mine as well have written a short story. Poems are supposed to be simplified.

That's my review. I guess for most of it I rambled on, preaching to the quire, but maybe this was actually helpful. If it was, even in some small way, then I did a good thing. If not, then oh well.

Overall, wonderful poem. Keep up the great work!
-Shey

Hi. this is Kman134. i'm here to review your work.

this poem was excellent. it was simple and had a unique approach on nature and life. the emotional tone and symbolism was pretty good and well-approached. it was like reading something a second grader wrote when staring at the rain through his window.

Although i am unsure what the meaning is behind this poem. i'm pretty sure the meaning has something to do with life, death, and rebirth. however, that is just my guess.

Keep up the good work. i hope to read more of your work. goodbye.

This is a really good poem. I think that your taste of writing is unique, and that is good. I feel like you are heading in the right area for you poem. You are focused on the drops of water. I also feel like your poem has a deeper meaning, I don't know if that was your intention or not. But, I feel like it really reaches out to everyone in one way or another.

Keep writing,
Miranda