and give it,
forgive those who spilled marmalade on your favorite
sun dress.
but never those who threaten the existence of your
pure soul.
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138,124 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
ayyyy marmalade
Hey again!
This poem is lacking in my opinion. I was hoping for something to exceed the first in terms of power, but this was a bit of a disappointment. Never mind!
I don't think this really needs to be in the trilogy. It would be better if there was a message in this but I can't seem to find one.
Thanks again, Tiana
This is Nikayla here for a review!
This is quite the short poem, so I'm going to jump right into it. The title isn't something that I was really pulled in by, but I do see that you've posted two other poems and those are ones that I want to take a look at as well, so maybe these three fit together guessing from the titles of 'forgiveness', 'forget', and 'rejuvenate' which I have to say, the last one has the strongest title. Anyways, let's dive in. The first line doesn't work with me and I didn't know if this was a continuation of another poem or not, but there's a lack of context with the first line because it doesn't seem to relate whatsoever to the rest of the poem.
It's something that could have been a mistake on your part, but I suggest for you to take it out because it doesn't have a reason to be in the poem as far as I can see. I'm not saying that the first line can't be replaced, but it doesn't work as it is. I like the structure for the rest of the poem as it king of follows the same pattern for the four lines. Something that I wanted to note in line three is that 'sun dress' is actually just one word and I didn't know if that was intentional or not. I didn't really find it necessary to have a period after 'sundress'? It doesn't need to be there and the flow would work better if you took it out.
The imagery of the second and third line is something that I liked and perhaps you can expand on it, as for lines four and five, I feel like there can be a better example or phrasing for the same thing that you've said. I can get behind the idea of forgiving people in the second and third lines but the fourth and fifth ruin the message for me a bit because I feel like a stronger metaphor can replace it rather than just 'pure soul'. I actually enjoy the message of the poem and I think that's how it holds up for the most part. Focus on the message and making it stronger, because I think that's where the potential in the poem lies.
I hope I helped and have a great day!