you see,
he was my favorite love.
one that reached above the skies and tore apart God's heart.
the way he loved everyone was like a storybook,
easy to read and absolutely fake.
-
you see,
no one really has a happy ending besides the good ones.
and the good ones never experienced the tragedy of broken hearts.
jordan believed that outside of his mind were bad things,
and bad things brought pain, and brought the daily agony of suffering.
-
you see,
his image was pristine,
he carried his pride like he never knew otherwise.
his head held up high.
like he never held mine.
-
you see,
jordan was a king,
and me, i was no queen.
for i was one to crouch when faced with optimism and joy,
for i was one to deprive him of his crown.
-
you see,
i was the bad thing, i built the love i had,
i built it off of me, i built it off of pain and suffering.
i was not for him and he was not for me.
he was the king kept in slumber because i was the one awake and the one with power.
-
you see,
i could've said jordan was a renowned piece of art,
but the words never left my mouth,
for i had painted him with the colors of my deep, soulless cranium.
for he had wish i hung him across my walls.
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139,823 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
H! My name is PenPacifist, and I'll be reviewing your work today.
The poem itself is stunning. Your imagery really showed off how important this Jordan is to you, and the agonies of love. May I ask, who is Jordan? Is he real? Is he a character?
My only note would be to take out all of the "you see" sections in every stanza. What you are saying would be a million times more powerful without them. They interrupt the flow of the poem, and they seem a bit forced and unnecessary. Also, there are some minor places where you could fix the punctuation. There are some places that require a semicolon instead of a comma, and since you chose to use proper punctuation, I think you should capitalize the appropriate letters at the beginnings of the sentences.
Overall, however, this is a fantastic poem. My favorite part was when you compared Jordan to a storybook. This is a wonderfully romantic poem. There are few romantic poems that I like and connect with. Yours was universal in its message of love.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this review!
Hey there, it's Memoryhunter here to review your poem!
The perod after high should be a comma or a dash, depending on what you feel like using. I am confused by these two lines, maybe because I'm terrible at comprehending abstrct things. What do they imply?First of all, I have to say that I haven't reviewed in a long time, so this might be a little rough.
The first line and the repeating line of your whole poem is something I'm not sure if I like or dislike. It gives off a vibe of storytelling, recalling the memories of the narrator and Jordan. However, repeating lines are supposed to be striking and gives a spice to the poem. In my own opinion, the words 'you see' don't really feel that special to be used repeatingly.
I was not very fond of the beginning. The first stanza is supposed to get the attention of the readers so they'll want to read more. The words didn't really get to me, probably because I have this thing with imagery. I like imagery, so often times, when words like "love" get thrown around without being executed properly, I get confused. Perhaps, instead of saying he was your favorite love, you could describe him and show your readers that the narrator really does love him.
The fourth stanza was probably my second favorite in this whole poem. I related very much to the line 'for I was one to crouch when face with optimism and joy', though crouch may not be the perfect word for this. Maybe cower or something? (I'm terrible at giving examples, I know.)
You also introduced the concept of Jordan being king metaphorically, and yet we haven't encountered that concept at all in the beginning. Maybe you could add bits about him being a king in the first to third stanzas so everything would be consistent.
In the next stanza, we now one hundred percent confirm that this is a love poem. I have to say this, but with there being a million love poems in the world, what is special with yours? You have to identify the thing that makes this poem unique, and make it the central theme. Make it the focus of your poem because as of now, the message of your work is a little bit messy.
The last stanza is my favorite, because you have executed the lines beautifully. It seems that it has a much intense and stronger feeling than the other stanzas. This is the part when your writing style truly shows itself. The last line was a little weak, but as I read it over and over again, it actually makes sense and drives me to contemplate more about your poem. It seems like it's missing something, maybe a word or two. Also, the wish should be wished.
All in all, it was an interesting poem. Despite sounding cliché in the beginning, it gradually went into a transformation and caught my attention. The only major problems here would be consistency (how each stanza and word supports the theme), perspective (how the narrator views the theme in a different angle) and word choice. In freestyle poetry, word choice must be a top priority because you are left with no other weapons but your words. Don't be afraid to use flowery words and or imagery.
Sorry for dragging you along in this loooong review. I'm frankly terrible at giving my opinions.
As always, happy writing~
Ah, I'll work on theme and stuff like that. Thanks!