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c l a y

by all



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Mon Apr 17, 2017 6:22 am
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



Hi, all, I believe I knew you as anngelalu or something similar to that, but nonetheless, I'm dropping in for a review!

So, I've noticed that people are hesitant to go near this poem, probably because it's quite the piece you've written here. The first thing that I noticed about the piece is the uneven stanzas which I usually don't point out but I think this poem would benefit if you kept the meter similar throughout the whole poem because the first stanza tends to have that, the second and third don't. In the third, you even have a line that runs all the way across the page. Aesthetically, it would look better if you kept it more matched up, but that's just in terms of the poem's structure.

I'm going to agree with Aley on this one in that your first stanza doesn't necessarily pull me in or grab my attention. I like learning about clay and hearing references to it, but you don't do a whole lot of that and you kind of break the logic of clay in that: once clay is fired, you can't really try to change it. That's why you fire the clay. To make it permanent. You could even use this knowledge to your advantage if you ever decide to edit the poem (which I think would improve it even further). Other references to clay such as wedging, slipping and scoring, would be interesting to find in this piece to expand on the metaphor that you've already begun.

The second stanza branches off from the idea of clay, which I found to be odd and now it's in the poem more as a part rather than the whole piece being that way. I've always spelled "storybooks" as one word, but I think it can be spelled as both if you'd like, but I'm not entirely sure on that minor issue. I don't think you need the comma in the first line of the second stanza since you aren't really stopping to pause and it flows better if you read it without the comma. The third line didn't necessarily appeal to me because we don't know what this barren ground is.

Are you just referencing clay? Why would you specifically reference the chest, in this case, then? We can see that the second stanza falls into the third stanza and continues this same idea of being able to be changed--which still doesn't make too much sense with it being fully-baked, but I get the idea and message that you're trying to get across. You don't need to draw out the line so long and it would work best if you put a period after the first line in the stanza. The ending and theme works as it is, but the ideas could use some refining with the logic in the piece, but you know that now. If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

Best wishes,
Kayla.




all says...


thank you for reviewing!!



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Mon Apr 10, 2017 3:42 am
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Aley wrote a review...



Hello all,

I love your username, but I'm here for your poem.

I suppose I have to start by saying your opening stanza didn't really bring me in because of the "fully baked" part of it. How I understand claywork is that once you've baked something completely, the most you can do is sand it and glaze it to change it. I'm not sure you would be able to change a clay piece into something that's completely different. The clay would crumble and break. Hardened clay can't really be repaired once it's broken, to the best of my knowledge.

I have a feeling this poem isn't about clay though. It seems more like a poem from a god's perspective to humans, or maybe a psychologist's perspective. I find the phrasing "born to a tyranny that rules the barren ground" very interesting from that perspective because usually you would live under a tyrant, but it's the tyranny that's highlighted, not the person, but the actions. I like that perspective because I'm often one who says that people aren't stupid, but their actions might be.

Overall, I think your poem could use a little work on the subject just because of the clay thing I mentioned earlier, but I like what you're doing with the dramatic fading of clay by spacing it out, and the way that you work with your words like "what your greatest reveries could ever conceptualize" because while it's not being overly descriptive, it gives us a good idea of what you want to say, and an image to hold onto. I like that.

I am really excited to see what more you come up with and I hope you participate in NaPo because you've got a knack for words that needs to be brushed. See you around!




all says...


thanks for the review, I appreciate it!!



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Thu Apr 06, 2017 9:43 pm
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Aleta says...



I connected with this deeply. Very nice.




all says...


i'm glad, thanks!



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Thu Apr 06, 2017 7:42 pm
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Charm says...



this is so beautiful <3 i love the image btw




all says...


thank youu!!




The very worst use of time is to do very well what need not be done at all.
— Benjamin Tregoe