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The Chronicles of a Public Bus (part 3.14)

Monday, 23:00, route 42

Everett almost doesn’t want to drive back down the hill.

The winding road and sparse, grand houses allow for a drive scenic enough to be listed as a tourist attraction, which would be impressive if there were many tourist-ey things in Franklin City to begin with. The expanse of rippled, drab land below is hardly impressive, though on a good side of the hill, Everett can see the twinkling city lights and the chasm of empty land between Franklin’s two sides. He can also spot the peninsula leftover from the Talisman estate, and from so high up, the forest of picket signs is invisible.

The giant blue coyote standing amongst the signs, however, is not invisible, hence why Everett does not want to drive down. He can literally see a giant predator, and after the fight on Friday night, he doesn’t want to face it.

“Where is the weird rabbit girl when you need her?” Everett mutters, pausing a little too long at a stop sign. He crawls forward and checks the intersection again for pedestrians dressed in black before tapping the gas and keeping the bus a touch under the speed limit.

In the black of night, the coyote spirit glows. It stalks the length of the Talisman peninsula in under a minute, tail sweeping the ground, and Everett wonders if the signs he knows are there will still stand upright in the morning. At each end of the area, the coyote lifts its head into the air to sniff the air before shaking its head and pacing to the other side. At least, Everett assumes the spirit is sniffing, because he can’t hear any howling, and a canine that size could probably send tremors past Franklin City limits.

He glances at his speedometer and notices with a twinge of guilt that he’s far more than a touch below the speed limit. Pressing the gas pedal, Everett tears his gaze from the panoramic view and admires the darkened mansions on his left instead. They range from castle-like to abstract, and each one has at least an acre of space sprawling from the house.

Eventually, the mansions make way for an organized neighborhood of cookie-cutter houses, each one lit by the street lights. Enough people grow trees in this neighborhood that Everett can’t see beyond two rows of houses, and the gridded streets make driving up and down the hill treacherous in the dark. He can’t spare attention for his surroundings.

When he emerges from the rich neighborhood, Everett sends a tentative glance at the empty lot on his right. Without his brights or any street lights, the protest sign grassland melts into the darkness. Ahead, the yellow windows and neons in the old downtown are cheerful, and several of the signs wink with age. On the left, the coyote spirit sits in hungry electric blue, looming over the buildings. It wipes a slow tongue over its snout, and Everett shivers at the sight of its knife-like teeth.

Then, like a heron snapping up a fish, the coyote jabs its face at Everett’s bus. Like a ghost, it wears intelligence in its eyes.

Everett slams the brakes, and a scream drips from his mouth. The coyote rises from its haunches, slow as a yoga instructor stretching into the downward dog, and pads onto the road.

“Do not freak out,” Everett orders himself. “Do not scream anymore. Do not let it see you’re scared witless.”

As if it hasn’t a care in the world, the spirit strolls towards Everett’s bus. It plops onto the asphalt, bottom half invisible in the beams of the bus’s headlights, and lowers its head to stare at Everett. A blue blob the size of a man’s torso sparkles where the coyote’s nose juts through the front window.

“Witless,” Everett babbles. “Witless witness. White. What.” He hopes he hasn’t wet himself, but he’s too scared to smell anything. He can’t focus on his own nose with the giant coyote snout stuck through his bus.

“Hello there, driver,” the coyote drawls. Its voice is scratchy, but in that sensual, femme fatale way.

Everett shrieks.

“I do hope you’re not too delayed by my little interruption. You see, I was about to search for a few spirits from my own culture, but just as I was leaving, I smelled the most scrumptious thing.”

Quaking, Everett nods for the spirit to go on.

“Now, there seems to be a fair amount of spirit residue lying around this city, and tasty as it all is, it’s confusing my poor nose, so I was wondering if you might point me in the direction of my little snack.” The coyote’s tail snaps around it’s feet, whacking the bus’s tires in the journey. “Surely even a normal person like yourself would have heard of a spirit aggregation.”

“Erm,” Everett musters. He can smell his sweat now, which means he probably hasn’t done anything really embarrassing.

“Oh come now,” the coyote murmurs. “There’s no need to be scared.” It brings its head in closer, lips curling back in a terrifying mix of smile and snarl.

Everett’s hand shoots forward. He is pointing straight ahead. “That way,” he stammers. “Red brick building. You can’t miss it.”

The coyote lets out a rumble, probably chuckling, and lifts its nose out of the bus window. “See? That wasn’t so hard.” It shifts its muscles to stand, but thinks better of it and gives Everett another knowing stare. “Oh, and driver? Before you try anything, know that I’ll eat your spirit if you get in my way. I can tell you’re planning something.”

Asking Mr. Bartram to warn the rabbit girl had definitely not been on Everett’s mind. Of course not. He shakes his head and gulps down the dryness in his mouth.

“I’m glad we’re on the same page,” says the coyote. And then, with a flick of its tail, it leaps over the bus and circles back onto the old Talisman estate.

Everett waits until the coyote is past the old downtown before he even thinks about putting his foot on the gas pedal.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Carlito
Review
Carlito wrote a review · Sun Jun 26, 2016 3:04 am

Hello and happy review day! :D I believe I have read at least one part of this before, although I couldn't tell you which part or when that was. But I remember I found it interesting then, and I still find it interesting now.

Your writing is quite strong and I think you're doing a lot of things well here. You've done a nice job of building suspense in this chapter and creating an aura of fear around the coyote and what's going to happen next. There's a lot that I appreciated about this chapter (and hopefully when I read through again a little more thoroughly I'll find something useful to say :p).

The winding road and sparse, grand houses allow for a drive scenic enough to be listed as a tourist attraction, which would be impressive if there were many tourist-ey things in Franklin City to begin with. The expanse of rippled, drab land below is hardly impressive, though on a good side of the hill, Everett can see the twinkling city lights and the chasm of empty land between Franklin’s two sides. He can also spot the peninsula leftover from the Talisman estate, and from so high up, the forest of picket signs is invisible.

Really wonderful descriptions. I'm coming into this story late and have virtually no context, but I can picture where I am perfectly. This sets the scene well.

The giant blue coyote standing amongst the signs, however, is not invisible, hence why Everett does not want to drive down.

I'm not really a fan of how many commas are in this sentence. It feels a bit too broken up to me. Is there a way to rephrase it so not as many commas are needed?

It stalks the length of the Talisman peninsula in under a minute, tail sweeping the ground, and Everett wonders if the signs he knows are there will still stand upright in the morning.

The second half of this sentence (the part after the comma) felt a bit clumsy to me. I feel like the two parts to this sentence don't have a ton to do with one another and I think it might work better to split this into two sentences. Beyond that, what's with the signs? Like physical signs? Why wouldn't they be standing up in the morning? Exactly what does he fear, and why would it matter if the signs weren't standing anymore after tonight?

When he emerges from the rich neighborhood, Everett sends a tentative glance at the empty lot on his right.

Where is he going? What's his destination? What's his goal? I have a vague memory that I mentioned this when I reviewed another part of this, but are there other people on this bus with him? If so, what are they doing and what all is going on on this bus while he's driving around?

On the left, the coyote spirit sits in hungry electric blue, looming over the buildings. It wipes a slow tongue over its snout, and Everett shivers at the sight of its knife-like teeth.

Has the coyote suddenly gotten closer? I was under the impression that Everett was trying to keep his distance.

“Do not freak out,” Everett orders himself. “Do not scream anymore. Do not let it see you’re scared witless.”

Is he saying this out loud or thinking it? If he's thinking it, I would put it in italics to distinguish it a bit.

“Hello there, driver,” the coyote drawls. Its voice is scratchy, but in that sensual, femme fatale way.

Everett shrieks.

Love this description and this reaction!!

Definitely an intriguing chapter! There are so many things I want to know (many of which would be answered if I read the rest of the installments of this book....). Overall, I think you're doing a fine job. The only thing I would consider adding is a little more of the big picture (like if there is anything else happening on this bus). I'm assuming he's alone, but why is he just driving around? Is he looking for people to pick up?

I'm sure I'll see you again soon because there are more chapters of this work stuck in the green room, but until then, let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :D

Sometimes I forget that not everyone rides public transportation. Buses follow a strict route and schedule, so even if no one is on the bus, they still run along the same streets they normally would. Everett doesn't exactly have a choice about getting close to the coyote.

I will have to keep those little details in mind. They escape me sometimes, since I ride the bus so often.

Thanks for the review!

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johnAsade
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Its my first review, and i hope you can sense my wonder at having to find my first story written in the tense i admire the most. Its well written for that tense, and doesn't confuse me as some other stories have. You've also got some good lines going on-'.....winked with age...'-i loved that piece. Overall, its a nice one. I may have started from the God-knows-how-many-ieth chapter, but i am all hands down for the story

Oh my gosh! This is your first review? Welcome to YWS then! I look forward to seeing you around the site in the future.

Thanks for the compliments. If you ever have questions about the site or need something reviewed, feel free to ask!

-Buggie

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TribeofArt
Review

I really like the way you describe and the order you write this story. Everything is very smooth when I read. Also I find myself easily imagining the scenes that you wrote through the way you describe and the words you use. The plot it also very unique and fresh. It's very very different compared to the other works of authors. It's not the typical cliche and a plot that's never been used by others as far as I know!

And I personally really like the fact that there's a coyote and also the guy's name is Everett. Super nice name! Anyway I really enjoyed it and I hope you would continue to write more wonderful works such as this =)



If you run now, you will be running the rest of your life.
— Reborn