The Chronicles of a Public Bus (part 1.12)

by Ventomology

Published October 3, 2015

12+

In TLMS II

Wednesday, 20:00, route 38

Franklin High School is a lighthouse in a sea of open sports fields and dark, star-less skies. Despite the time, cars still wait in the parking lot, and students bustle about the arts department, weaving in and out of the building with giant set pieces and bright props in hand.

Briefly, Rick remembers his daughters’ pleas to watch the upcoming musical, but the glint of platinum blonde hair and a sky blue messenger bag catch his attention before he can be thankful for his weekend evenings off. He pushes on the brakes and pulls over.

The girl waiting at the school bus stop is long and elegant, a collection of limbs and features with fashion model clarity. She holds up a bus pass as she steps onboard, and Rick can’t help but notice that her tan overcoat bears an odd resemblance to the leopard print woman’s. Their tastes are similar too, if the skinny black boots are any indication.

Once the girl is seated, her bag on her lap, she pulls out a phone from her pocket and watches through the windows as Rick drives past the school. She clicks a few buttons before holding the phone to her ear with both hands.

“Hallo?” she says, voice timid. “Oh, er, hello, I mean. I am on my way home from rehearsal. I should be back in about twenty minutes.”

In the pause, she pushes a strand of hair back from her face, eyes still glued to the windows. The bus passes the school around the other side, and the array of campus buildings hide the theater’s lights.

“Oh, no! Fr—I mean, Mrs. Morey—she does not need to cook anything special for me. The other cast members’ mothers provided more than enough to eat. Besides, I could fall asleep the moment I step through the door.”

The girl laughs at something and then hangs up, murmuring a word for goodbye that Rick can’t recognize. With only the quiet purr of the bus’s engine left and nothing odd to listen to, he returns his focus to the road. The dark grey of headlights on asphalt races ahead, free of obstacles, and Rick glances at his mirrors.

Another vehicle cruises next to the bus. Though it is impossible to pick out the license plate or model and color, the driver is illuminated by the lights inside his car, and his obvious profile tells that he isn’t watching his driving.

Rick sighs. He hates distracted drivers, even if he’s been one more than a few times.

Not much later, Rick steers his bus into the west side station, careful of the bump marking the border between street and station. He’s the second to arrive; another bus is already parked in the spot for route thirty-six, and two drivers chat outside, pulling their green uniform jackets tight around their arms.

Just as one of the drivers steps into the route thirty-six bus, and the other meanders into the parking lot, rubbing his arms, another bus pulls into the slot for route thirty-one. Immediately, Rick’s blonde passenger stands and shuffles out of her seat, the rough fabric of her bag scraping the back of the seats in front of her. She exits through the front door and gives a tentative thank-you.

In the parking lot, the leaving bus driver stops to wait for a car to pass in front of him. At first, Rick wonders if that’s the driver coming to take over his bus for the night routes, but then the car parks, and its engine putters to silence. The street lights cast beams of yellow light on crimson paint and a sleek, boxy frame.

Rick’s eyes widen. None of his coworkers would drive a sports car; they don’t make that kind of money. The man inside the car flicks on his indoor lights and leans over to grab something from the passenger’s seat. When he sits up, Rick catches the sight of his sharp profile for a split second, and then the man shakes out a newspaper and holds it in front of his face.

Though cause for worry is scarce, dread burrows into Rick’s gut. He twists and leans in his chair to look at the sports car’s license plate number, but sharp shadows dash across the car’s front, keeping the plate’s reflective sheen from showing any information.

Rick slumps in his chair and drags a finger along the top of the steering wheel. “I must be getting old,” he groans. “I worry about everything and everyone and think random people off the street are suspicious.”

“You’re not that old, Mr. Bartram.”

Grimacing, Rick tilts his head to look at the speaker. It’s a young man with slick, black hair and the green uniform jacket draped loosely over his shoulders.

“Oh, you finally showed up, Everett. Did your class run late?”

Everett chuckles and skips onto the bus, his jacket slipping off one arm. “What do you mean, I finally showed up? Half the other buses aren’t even here yet. And in answer to your question, no, my class did not run late. There was traffic by the highway exit. Some kind of accident, I think.”

“Been a lot of those lately,” Rick says, yawning. He stretches his arms forward, still hunched over in the driver’s seat. Then he heaves himself up and staggers off the bus. “Drive safe, kid. I want to see you get your degree in the spring.”

As Everett processes the serendipitous comment, he waves at the other driver’s back. “Will do, Mr. Bartram. Have a nice night.”

Comments & reviews · 3
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BrumalHunter
Review
BrumalHunter wrote a review Review · Dec 30, 2015

Salutations, Buggie! I have finally arrived to resume with the reviews for your chapters! It's ironic, if my previous review is read directly before this one.


Notes

1. Though your opening sentence is metaphorically appealing, there is no need for the hyphen in "star-less", since "starless" is a word.


Impressions

1. This chapter contains a lot of imagery. They are wonderful to read, but does that mean you plan on describing important people/places with even more imagery? That may become a challenge later on, but for now, I am more than satisfied.

2. I do think the cyan girl and leopard lady are related - actually related. The leopard lady didn't strike me as the type to have children, though, so maybe an aunt?

3. The amount of time and description given to the crimson car emphasises its importance, especially since it turns out to be sports car. (It's good you added that, otherwise I'd never have known.) Unfortunately, you had to torment us by refusing to reveal either the driver's identity or the purpose of his stopping at the bus station. The lamplight and Rick's paranoia also add a sense of foreboding, so I'll have to be on alert.


It's delightful to resume reviewing after such a long pause and be rewarded with excellent imagery. Every sentence demanded visualisation, and truly, you have portrayed an amount of detail that can only be rivaled by an actual visualisation on television. Very well done.


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Pfft, this was like the imagery chapter. Besides, now when I revisit this route, I can just do reminder descriptions. And is starless really a word? I got red squigglies under it when I typed that out in my word processor.

Anyways, thanks for the review!

You're welcome.

User avatar
EnderFlash
Review
EnderFlash wrote a review Review · Nov 5, 2015

Critiques and Extra Stuff

I invited a friend to help out today! I took some of his suggestions to formulate this.

The paragraphs are cut strangely. For example:

Rick sighs. He hates distracted drivers, even if he’s been one more than a few times.
While this is a emphasis that raised a couple questions, it doesn't warrant its own paragraph. There's no dialogue to accompany it nor does the focus change- it's just broken off.

Some other paragraphs seem like they should be one huge one. If there's nothing to break them apart, add it!

Opinions Galore.

I love seeing things through Rick's human, weary perspective. His instincts only make things more suspicious...

Something about your sentence structure is really appealing. I'm not quite sure what, but the way everything's put together pulls at my interest.

Hmm, I follow a pretty strict rule on paragraphing, so I'm not sure how I'd fix that, but I'll keep your advice in mind. Thanks to you and your friend!

User avatar
hyperview
Review
hyperview wrote a review Review · Oct 25, 2015

Hi there, Buggie. :D So the title of this work is what caught my attention. I mean, it's rare to see a story about public transportation, and I was a bit skeptical that it would be enjoyable. But man, you proved me wrong. The story is so simple yet seems to pack so much more, and I'm definitely going to have to read more of this before I can put my finger on it. I really like the intricate details you made as Rick goes along with his route. There's something about noticing the little details of everyday life, isn't there? Especially when these little details can cause an effect on those around them.

Which brings me to this: I'm assuming that distracted driver on the road was the one in the accident later on? If so, I love this a lot (even though it's pretty dark) because it's information that would go right over your head if you don't pay attention, much like it went over Rick's head. And him being suspicious of everything--I get the sense that he's looking for something more in his life, yeah? Trying to find something a bit off course for excitement (please, ignore me if I'm reading too deep into things. I get this way sometimes :P). Lastly, I love how, I don't know, REAL you made Rick, especially with the line that said he condemns distracted drivers even though he does it himself from time to time. I feel like this reflects on a lot of us. We're so easy to pick on the flaws of others even though we bear the same faults, you know? Says a lot about humanity.

All in all, I loved this. I don't think I found anything worth picking on, and even if there is, I was too engrossed in the story to even realise. I really like stuff like this, so I'll be sure to read all the others when I get the chance. Have a great day/night!

And here I thought my titles were scaring people off (which is probably not a good thing). Thanks for giving my work a chance!

I'm glad you suspect the distracted driver... It means I'm doing my job correctly.

Well, thanks so much for the review, and happy review day!



Between living and dreaming there is a third thing. Guess it.
— Antonio Machado