Saturday, 14;30, route 31
Everett suppresses a grimace as a blonde woman in a leopard print coat slams five coins into his fare box. Her black leather gloves make little sound banging against the metal box, but the coins nearly bounce back to the top and rattle so much that Everett winces.
“Which bus gets closest to Catkill Street?” the woman asks. She strikes a pose with her feet spread for balance and her arms crossed over her chest, and she glares at something past Everett’s shoulder.
Everett plucks the little lever that sends the woman’s fare tumbling into a quieter compartment. “Uh, that would be route thirty-six. Catkill is just before the Franklin High School stop.”
After wrinkling her nose and offering a dissatisfied grunt as thanks, the woman tosses her hair and strolls to a spot near the bus’s center, taking her sweet time in brushing off the seat cushion first. Clenching his teeth, Everett lets his foot off the gas before the woman manages to sit, and she stumbles for a moment.
As though his premature start had been accidental, Everett glances out his side window with a slow, callous lean. Only a tiny blue “green car” is behind him at the moment, and it’s rather far off, so he flicks on his turn signal and steers left.
Everett’s route is peaceful for the next several minutes, and he sets his eyes on the neighborhood scenery. Copious non-native trees, all of them covered in snow, rise over the houses, peeking out from within backyards and stretching barren branches over roofs. Half-rowdy shrubs line every front yard, save for those few with metal fences to keep in dogs, and even the houses have a careless appeal. They wear an array of pastels, and their curtains are drawn just enough to see the patterned fabrics while still showing a bit of the rooms beyond.
A hopeful smile graces Everett’s face; he aims to buy a house in this area someday.
He doesn’t daydream for long though. In his rearview mirror, Everett spots a sports car hurtling towards him, its red paint like a tomato sauce stain on a white dress shirt. It closes in and tailgates him, revving and breaking in turns.
“If the guy is so eager to drive fast,” Everett mutters, “why doesn’t he just pass me?” He catches sight of a speed limit sign and sticks to the limit like glue.
The red car still does not pass. It is so close, actually, that in the mirror, the car’s license plate number is hidden, and Everett can make out shadows on the driver’s face. The man is sharp of feature, and stark, grey blocks shade his nose and paint obtuse triangles under his temples. Everett can even see the man’s expression—a portrait of military calm with dark eyebrows raised in angular, aloof peaks.
Shuddering, Everett turns the next corner. When he looks back at the mirror, the red sports car turns with him and vanishes a split second later.
Everett’s breath hitches, and his heart thuds in his chest. He couldn’t have just seen that. Maybe the red car just started the turn and decided to detour instead, racing away so fast he couldn’t see it properly. After all, he couldn’t have just seen the hit-and-run perpetrator.
Nonetheless, Everett sets a fraction of his attention on the blonde woman riding his bus. She seems oblivious at first glance, dabbing makeup on her nose and cheeks and using her phone as a mirror, but every so often, she twists around and looks for something out the windows, eyes narrowed in suspicion.
Everett shakes his head. Mr. Bartram’s habits are rubbing off on him, and it’s never wise to sacrifice road safety for pondering insane coincidences. With a gulp, Everett tightens his grip on the steering wheel and tries not to get sidetracked by the snowmen waving from front yards.
He finishes his route a tad later than usual, pulling into the bus station just behind the new hybrid-engine bus that services the airport area. A few passengers stand in wait at the Route forty spot, shifting on their feet and tugging scarves closer to their faces. One of them checks his watch, frowning as Everett crawls to a stop.
Immediately, the blonde woman shoots up from her seat and dashes off the bus. She pushes the back doors open and shoves through a collection of businessmen who have just arrived from the airport, and when she exits their throng, she is hopping on one foot and yelling something indecipherable. She must have gotten her toes run over by someone’s suitcase.
“Serves her right,” Everett says. He presses a button on his dashboard, and the front doors slide open with a sizzle, ushering in new passengers and a stream of cold air. As he listens for the clink of coins dropping into his fare box, he stares into the parking lot and widens his eyes.
The blood red sports car sits idle in a parking space, clouds of engine steam and smoke still floating from its exhaust pipe.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hi. New York is tiring.
The repeating of 'hope' is a bit awkward. It's not too hard to change this to just one usage and it'll smooth things over. (I'm just really picky when it comes to repeating a word within a couple lines, unless it's to emphasize something)Notes
Alright, so... I've been reading all three of you guys's chapters up to now and I'm trying to compare them to figure out what makes them feel so different. With this chapter, I'm confident enough to voice a complaint about a particular element of your stories, but I'll still say that it is but personal taste: You have elegant description and an eye for the details, but it's... everywhere. Or, perhaps not everywhere, but enough so that I feel detached from what's happening. The details could really become better if some thought or opinion of the narrator is mixed in, just to connect things. Because right now, things happen, but it's not a cohesive world. It's really hard for me to explain... I'll try to bring it up again sometime in less awkward terms.
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Thoughts/Impressions
1. I'm loving these street names xD
2. This is like 101 Dalmatians, but with blondes. 101 Blondes? ... I'd probably get run over with a steamroller if I put that into action.
Well, I'll get to your next chapter after hopefully-enjoying New York's central park. It's just you and Tortwag now, so good luck!
I have fixed the repeat word. As for the detached narration, I do a lot of that on purpose, and largely for contrast. It makes the dramatic scenes a bit more powerful when I do a sudden switch into the subjective narrator.
But I do see why you wouldn't like the style. It's piling an unusual narration on top of the present-third-person, which is already odd, and it isn't quite natural to look at things this way.
Thanks for the review! I hope you enjoy NYC!
Hello! Looks like I've made it into the less-reviewed parts of the story! I like how it's become more focused as it continues on: we've kind of centered in on the Willow, Drake, Divinity, and Martin team, and they seem to be the main characters. I'm starting to see how the other characters connect in with them. You're still doing a brilliant job of keeping everything on the bus but still giving us a good picture of what's going on in the characters' lives and the surrounding world. It's an awesome story!
I'm interested in the mysterious blonde woman in a leopard-print coat. She's been showing up since the very beginning of the story, but I still haven't a clue who she is or what her significance is. Actually, I'm not even 100% sure that there's just one blonde woman in a leopard-print coat. I'm excited to see what's going to happen with her.
Ugh, I can't stand it when people do that to me on the road! I like to stick to the speed limit too, and I somehow wish I could honk at tailgaters or somehow tell them to back off--it's the only thing that sometimes gives me a little road rage.
Ahahaha, well THAT's never happened to me with a tailgater! So this could be the car responsible for the hit-and-runs? O_O Such mystery!
Can I just say that you seem to have a really in-depth understanding of how buses and routes work? I'm learning a lot about them just by reading this, and it's rather different from the driver's perspective too. This chapter was pretty chilling. I wonder about the red sports car and about the blonde woman. What could be going on here? I bet Martin and friends will find out more about it in their investigation!
I honestly don't have much to say by way of criticism here. I've really been enjoying the story. It's well-composed, you have good grammar, good characters, and the story it moving along at a great pace.
Hey there Buggiedude2340. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

1. Sorry it took anyone so long to get to reviewing your piece. I can't believe that no one chose it during the past two review days. Well I'm here now. Note that I have not read any of the previous chapters for the sake of time, there seem to be quite a few. I am guessing that Everett is the main character here and this is sort of told from his thoughts. His job is as a bus driver and each chapter has the antics of some passenger or his fellow employees. Correct me at any time during my review if I get something wrong about a character.
2. Oh thank somebody. Finally I have found a short chapter that has the right amount of information. My rant about the length of a chapter compared to the amount of information will be saved for another review. At least it will save me the energy from having to whip out all of the graphs and diagrams. This is the first length seal of approval I've handed out in a while.
3. The way you organized this chapter was intriguing including the time stamp with route number at the top of the page. Did you do that for every chapter or was that just an occasional thing. If I ever get around to reading the rest of the story I guess I'll know. I was just asking because it seemed like a uniformed thing that you would want to remain consistent.
4. There were a couple of parts that were a bit confusing for me and I hope you can clear up the situation a bit.
Like this set of lines for instance.
So now the readers find that this doesn't include all of what Everett sees only what he thinks. Is that the right interpretation of the situation? Now I really have to read the rest to find out if the guy in the red sports car did run someone over. Or are you not going to touch on that at all. From the ending it seems that you were going to continue with the red sports car and his driver. Without knowing what Everett really saw, to me this part is a little too jumpy. Too quickly your main character assumes that he just saw a traffic accident but then a couple lines down he tries to shake it off. It just seems that once second he was completely positive and the next completely doubtful.
5. Well that's about all I have for this review. Please PM if you have any questions about it. Sorry for such a quick review but this was a quick chapter.
-lizzy