Thursday, 23:00, route 42
Everett glances both ways as he taps the gas pedal and sends the bus grumbling and rumbling into the street. The winter night is the solid back of a sheet of black velvet, all of its sheen chased away by yellow beams of streetlights.
From the corner, Everett can see dusty paint peeling from the side of the old shopping district and casting speckled shadows against the hidden bricks. Then, a wall of new paint glistens on the other side, blocking the advance of age. As he waits for the traffic light to change, he wonders if that new paint is from the much-talked-of office for old Mr. Talisman’s new business.
The light flicks from red to green, and Everett pulls his attention to the road again. On his side of the shopping district, only the most shady restaurants and the one fast food franchise unable to dig itself out of debt are still open, their storefronts glowing from the inside. The doughnut shop has its lights on for the night shift that pumps out the majority of the next day’s sweets, but it is so dimly lit that no customer can make the mistake of going in.
The first stop for the route is across the parking lot from the doughnut shop, and in the light reflected off the sign, Everett sees a head of blonde hair and white skin floating over a mass of darkness. Whoever this person is, they aren’t smart enough to wear bright clothing at night.
Everett brakes and flips the release lever for the door, savoring its hiss as it slides open. Once he graduates and lands a new job, he’ll miss the ambient sounds of driving a bus at night. The low salary he won’t miss as much.
The blonde turns out to be a woman. Her hair is tied up in a messy bun and partially tucked under a dark brown beret. Her leopard print coat is so puffy she looks like an angry cat, and her expression matches. As she pushes a handful of coins into the change box, the woman scowls so darkly that her cheeks turn purple. When Everett offers her a transfer slip, she rips it from his hand and crumples it in one fist. Then she stalks to the middle of the bus and hunches over in a seat.
As Everett closes the front door, he glances at the parking lot to see what might cause so much anger, but all he can make out is the blackness draped over the almost-abandoned shopping district. No conclusions jump to mind.
“Maybe she was dumped and left without a ride home,” Everett muses under his breath. He almost smirks as he turns on his signal and pushes the gas pedal, but he schools his expression only a second later. It’s not polite to poke fun at other people’s situations, even if the people in question can’t hear.
From what Everett can tell, the route is uneventful. After passing the shopping district, Everett skirts around the edge of a peninsula of Mr. Talisman’s former estate. Makeshift signs and giant scraps of cardboard stand like miniature fortresses in the inlet of sagebrush and tumbleweed, each one bearing colors that signify one of two sides. Half the signs push for the creation of a new city park, and the other half sing praises for private development.
The blonde woman in the back curses loudly but offers no explanation. Her face is turned down, beret half falling from her hair, and the blue glow of a phone illuminates her features.
By now, Everett is looking at the road again, so he does not catch the woman’s ensuing odd behavior. As she taps out a furious text, she leans over in her seat and peers out the windows on either side of the bus. Whatever she is looking for—or trying to avoid—is not there, but she fidgets in her seat anyways. Constantly, she brings up the camera of her phone and moves her beret to hide as much hair as possible.
The ritual of checking outside, adjusting hair, and texting continues in silent fervor as Everett drives past the shared campus of eastern Franklin City’s junior high and elementary schools. It continues when the bus groans through the grueling uphill slope to the nicest neighborhood in town, where the houses are all planned by a big-name architect, and delicate landscaping sweeps across vast yards. Even when Everett turns back onto the main road to head back to the station, the woman does not break her rhythm.
Then the bus screeches in a hard, fast brake, and the woman lurches forward. Her blonde hair spills from her hat, and her phone slips from her hand and drops to the floor with two ringing metallic clings. Bursting with fury and fear, the woman stands and points at the driver, inhaling to start off a bombardment of insults.
Once she catches sight of the new passenger though, she switches targets.
“You!” she shouts. “What are you doing here?”
The new passenger shoots the woman a murderous glare, his wrinkles deepening and his bushy white eyebrows rising like a cat’s hackles. “Why do you care? You have nothing to do with me anymore.”
Everett blinks. He didn’t know the Mr. Talisman rode the public bus.
“Oh, but you have everything to do with me,” the woman spits. “It was your offer that got me into the mess I’m in. Some old beast’s personal secretary is after me now, and I’ve lost half of my prize.”
“You could have given up quietly,” Mr. Talisman says. “You could have taken the defeat in stride and asked nicely for some kind of reimbursement. Or you could have gotten the job right the first time. Then neither of us would be in any kind of mess.”
“Maybe if you hadn’t trusted some fool alchemist’s recipe for partial immortality, I wouldn’t have taken the job in the first place.”
For some reason, Everett gets that gurgling feeling in his stomach that either means he’s hungry or learning something he shouldn’t know. In this instance, it might be both. “Sir,” he squeaks, “would you please sit down so I can stay on schedule?”
Mr. Talisman’s response is to bare his teeth, some of which are missing, and grunt, but he listens anyhow and plops into the very first seat available. From there, the old man plays another bellowing round of the blame game with the leopard print woman.
Everett’s face droops in glum exasperation. If only his two passengers had walked to the bus station.
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Ah, so now we have Everett. I can't remember if he has featured as the focus of a chapter before... I don't think so, but I can't be sure.
Notes
1. No notes, whoo! Well done.
Impressions
1. You describe the night life very well. I don't know why, but the imagery creates a lazy atmosphere. It's probably because there are always vehicles on the streets over here.
2. Finally, the Leopard Lady features on her own. Of course, since Everett is polite, he can't shed any light on her circumstances.
3. Ah, but he doesn't have to, for no-one other than Mr Talisman himself appears on the scene. I thought the gloomy representations of him in the media might be inaccurate and hide a friendly personality, but the representation seems to be justified.
4. I think I recall Leopard Lady making a comment about her job having failed when she first appeared. Well, I believe I know what she was after: the philosopher's stone. After all, when alchemists weren't trying to create one to transmute substances into gold, they were trying to use it to create elixirs of life. Now I wonder whether that wasn't perhaps what she was after when she harrassed the dragons.
A mysterious meeting between two equally mysterious people takes place on a not-so-mysterious public bus on an ordinary evening. The quest for immortality is always gruelling, and the price is always very high. Did Mr Talisman's daughter pay only a deposit?
Oh hohohoho! You shall see, Hunter!
Also, I am glad to know that all my time spent in Taiwanese night markets has not gone to waste. Thanks!
I'm behind... but still not the most behind! Not that that justifies anything. Winter break is upon us, though, so I hope to catch up before leaving for vacation. Ugh, writing's really slipping from my mind.
Okay, so I quoted the whole thing. Why not. Since the description before has been from Everett's vision, such as when he could only spot her head in the darkness, it is a little strange to suddenly shed light on actions outside his view. It's always possible to clue the readers in on what's happening using the other senses.The second 'a' is supposed to be an 'at'.
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I adore this paragraph. Kudos!
This is another example of your great description, but I can't help but take it literally and think of a floating head. Nothing from a horror movie- just a floating head with a pissed off expression. That image made me crack a smile.
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Everett seems like an interesting character. Definitely more cheeky than Rick, but still a rather normal onlooker to the less-than-normal proceedings. These poor bus drivers, having to deal with everything on their rides.
Mr. Talisman has appeared! He's exactly like I expected, and it looks like he personally knows the leopard-print lady. Wonder what's going on between them?
Oh ho, recipe for partial immortality? We're delving into more and more crazy supernatural shenanigans, and I'm glued to the ride.
You're showing more of the outside world, I see. It helps complete the image and you do a wonderful job with your description- I eagerly await what happens next! ... Except that the next several chapters are already posted. Mm.
ACK, A TYPO! I shall fix that straight away. Sorry I never got around to those reviews I promised to catch up on this week. I went on another baking spree and started another writing project. Also the Star Wars hype is clouding my mind. Hopefully I'll get them done before Christmas.
Thanks!
Heh, it's fine. I'm more behind than you are. Right, the new Star Wars movie came out. I never really got into that franchise (Pokemon took over my childhood), but the baking spree sounds delicious.
Heya! Gravity here for a review

So here's how this is going to work. I'm just going to review as I go along (so it will be mostly negative at first) and then at the end I'm going to tell you the things that I really liked/summary of the review. So it may seem a bit harsh at first, but I promise, it's not meant to be
Here I appreciate you trying to use descriptive words and such but I really think the word "decrepit" is misused. Also, I think it's interesting that you wrote this in third person present, I'm not completely sure how I feel about that but that's not up to me, it's up to you. I just think that from this tense and point of view there are so many places that can read awkwardly.
Okay so when you say "little else" it makes me think this person (a woman since you said blonde and not blond) is scantily clad. And then you mention they aren't wearing bright clothing but you might want to clear this up and fix it earlier.
This reads awkwardly. Try putting it as, "The low salary is something he won't miss quite as much." or "He won't miss the low salary as much."
Love the description here!
Okay, so this is something that drives me absolutely batty. I'm sorry, but it does. The use of the word "anyways". This is the second time you've done it. There's not necessarily anything wrong with it but it sounds more professional to use the word "anyway" instead or something else. Anyways sounds like a filler, most commonly used in a person's dialogue or when somebody is thinking and trying to switch topic. Otherwise, the s or the entire word itself is unnecessary. Sorry, idk why that bothers me so much but it does.
So, overall I really liked this. Even though this isn't the first installment of the book I read htis and I could understand exactly what was going on. I really like the scene here, it seems very intriguing and if I had the time, I'd go back and read the whole thing. When the woman mentions partial immortality I think Everett's interest would be caught and he would at least be surprised. I wish you had a little more development on his reactions and thoughts but still, this was really good.
Another thing I really liked about this was all the description. So many authors grocery listing, they write what's happening without stopping to smell the roses so to speak. However, I think you did a great job describing everything and your vocabulary was impeccable.
Keep Writing, this was really really good!
XOXO,
Gravity
Yeah, the third-person present throws off some people (myself included), but it gives a sense of "here and now" that I quite like. I'll look over those things you mentioned.
Thanks a bunch!