Tuesday, 6:00, route 31
Rick cannot pick out details on the figure standing at the bus stop until he has pulled to the curb, and the door has slid open. Even then, the morning is so dark that he sees only the blonde hair and white bundle tucked under the passenger’s arm.
This is the first oddity of the day, for this stop has been used only by a small, black-haired girl for over a week. Besides, Rick has never seen someone else use this stop without her.
The passenger steps into the bus’s bright, blue light, and his features are made clear. His widow’s peak flares from the center of his forehead, and the dark blue of his coat drowns his already pale skin. Then Rick notices the boy’s bundle and decides that two oddities in one minute is not a good precedent for the rest of his day.
“Animals aren’t allowed on the bus, kid,” Rick says. “Not unless they’re service animals.” And though he doesn’t say it aloud, he is sure that rabbits can provide little in the way of service.
The boy seems to ignore Rick and instead roots about in his pockets, squeezing the rabbit to his chest until it starts to squirm. After a few moments, two bus passes materialize in the boy’s hands, and he holds them up like a winning poker hand.
“Sorry about the confusion, Sir,” the boy says, grinning. “This little one is actually a moon spirit, not an animal. She’s the girl who usually gets on here.”
Of course, it is not until her spirit-ness is pointed out that Rick notices the rabbit’s visibility waxing and waning. But before he can wonder what sort of moon spirit she is, the boy and rabbit begin heading to the back of the bus, where they sink into the abstract patterns of the cushions’ upholstery.
The boy lets his backpack, weighed down by an extra set of books and homework, crash to the floor and sets the rabbit on the cushion next to his. Sitting very straight, he scratches the back of his neck and watches the streetlights pass in the windows.
“Sorry about all this, Willow,” he whispers. “If I'd known you were over, I wouldn't have walked out like that.”
Willow twitches her whiskers and glares. Her voice echoes softly in the back of the bus, as though she’s talking through a monophonic speaker. “If you’d told me you were a dragon, I wouldn’t have freaked and touched that lamp in the first place.” Shaking her ears a bit, she resettles herself on the cushion so she’s a bit closer to the boy. “Besides, who names a dragon Drake?”
Stiffening, Drake turns redder than a cherry, the color spreading across the splatter of freckles on his nose all the way to the tips of his ears. “M-my parents thought it would be funny!”
Willow glances up, words of sarcasm shining in her eyes, but Drake turns on her first.
“And what about you?” he asks. “You never told me you were a moon spirit. If Mom and I had known from the beginning that you could separate from your body, we wouldn’t have looked for a way to shorten the holding time on the spell. We’d just wait and then exempt you from it.”
“I’m only half spirit,” Willow grumbles.
“Fine. Half spirit.” Drake crosses his arms and lets out a huff of air. “And just so you know, I’m handing you off to Divinity as soon as she gets to school.”
Though Willow is about to mutter a burning comment on Drake’s manners, the bus’s brakes begin to hiss, and inertia sends the rabbit rolling off the seat. She tumbles in midair, ears tucked back in fear. The hard, plastic floor is centimeters away when two hands wrap around her ribs and stomach.
“I can’t take you anywhere,” says Drake, dropping Willow back onto the seat.
“You can’t just let me miss school either. And I’m not a cat, so don’t drop me.” She sniffles and settles back into the cushion, her gaze wandering about the bus until she spots the passenger who has just gotten on. Immediately, she is water in space—frozen.
Mr. Pyus is the name of the man. As he bumbles towards the back of the bus, he shouts praises of the One God and bellows blessings against the devil-born hallucinations of magic. Students curl into their seats as he passes, trying to avoid his huge frame.
As Rick starts the bus again, Mr. Pyus stumbles into the row of seats behind Willow and Drake. The plastic rattles, and Mr. Pyus leans forward, resting his arms on the back of Drake’s seat. The black odor of mold and burned onions swirls through the air, and Drake hold his breath.
“Hello, sonny,” Mr. Pyus yells. “Haven’t seen you in a while. Have any visions from God?”
Trying to disappear, Drake slides down in his seat and wishes he could turn into a tiny spirit like Willow, because this will be a very long bus ride.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Well, this has taken an unexpected turn for the fantastical.
Salutations again, Buggie!
I hope to review all of your chapters today, so don't expect any reviews of the extended sort. I shall keep them concise and follow the established Team Striprime format.
Notes
1. In the first few paragraphs, when you mention the bus' "bright, blue light", you say "bus's". Generally, when an apostophe with an s would be placed at the end of a word, the s is omitted if the word ends in an s. This is probably just a typo, though.
Impressions
1. When I first read the chapter, I forgot who Rick was. I suspected he was the bus driver, but I had to check the previous chapter just to be sure. Anyway, I shan't be forgetting that again.
2. I knew Drake was a dragon because you told me as much when we first started the competition, but if I hadn't known that, I'd have found the part where Willow comments on his name quite amusing (though I still did). It seems the majority of the characters have names that are somehow related to their... err, let's call it power - as a play on your term "powerful folk". That leads me to believe that Divinity is an angel or something like that, but I'll just have to see.
3. At least you didn't say Drake turned redder than a tomato, since that would have been shameful. I assume the freckles are there because dragons have scales, right?
4. Willow reminds me a lot of you, in the way she seems to admonish people for being improper and says sarcastic remarks (or at least wants to) when appropriate. XD
5. For some reason, the scene where Willow almost faceplants on the bus' floor made me chuckle. It's actually quite a serious matter, but the way you described it makes it humorous.
6. And you just had to include a person like Mr Pyus, though if I'm not mistaken, you've mentioned him before as well. Either way, I don't like him; he reminds me too much of Marie d'Artois. (Don't ask.)
All in all, this was an amusing chapter. I don't know what the others said in their reviews, but since I have to depart for my matric farewell (apparently known as "prom" in America) in two hours and forty minutes, so I don't have the time to read them now. I hope I didn't repeat any of their comments.
Actually, Hunter, your grammar note is a hotly debated subject. Some people prefer to leave out the extra 's' for anything ending in 's', and some of us only omit it when the noun in question is pluralized.
Also, I am about to fix an inconsistency in this chapter. One of the 2.0-somethings has a different story.
Thanks as always for the feedback! I'm glad you're enjoying the story.
I wasn't aware of that, but I shall keep it mind for future reviews. Also, I have yet to get to chapter two, so you can edit it with me being none the wiser.
Y'know, Mom said several times that one of the reasons women were mentally much stronger than men was also because they could actually do a regular action and get it done on a daily basis, WHILE multi-tasking.
...Startin' to understand what she meant a lot more, given how late I am for these review.
Thoughbeingnaturallyeasilydistracteddoesn'thelpeither.
I. Impressions of the Shell Master!
- You know, at first I was really weirded out by - *a music named "Hyperspace Chaos" starts playing in the background*
...Spot on.
So I was weired out during the sudden appearance of magic in such a modern setting, and especially considering that you threw it with no prior warning/foreshadowing element, or at least none that I could really find. I just expected this story to turn in a very long, very adventurous/bizarre ride, but still a human one.
Expectations = Destroyed.
But then the "who names their dragons "Drake"" thing happened, I went "I know, right?!" and I simply accepted the fact, lol. Go me. All this to say, It's incredible how you managed to surprise and bring in the unexpected in such a way, and I'll really looking forward to the way you're going to expand this magic element and what other events will happen in that Public Bus.
- Well that bus driver sure isn't impressed AT ALL by the spirit/rabbit thing! Or Drake's words! Hm. Are we in a world that lives alongside magic...?
- OH NO. NOT a religious guy who thinks Magic's the work of the devil. I HATE these characters WITH A PASSION.
-Huh. Well that was... short. THat ending sentence wasn't that bad in my opinion though, I'm just... kinda surprised about this ride. It felt shorter than the previous one.
II. Conclusion!
That was a quite weird chapter. Yet you managed to come up with a weird situation thrown in a normal setting, with all the characters bein' like "yes what you're reading is actually perfectly normal to us", which once against shows the astery of your writing. Now what I'm waitin' for is to see more of this world, but we're stuck in the Bus for the whole ride, so let's see how that'll work out. On to the next one!
~Shell Master Tortwag~
Yeah... this chapter wasn't one of my favorites. I'm glad you found the premise surprising though!
)
Thanks for the review! (And also for the comments on my picture book.
Hello, I’m here to review! I haven’t read your earlier chapters, so my review will only be based on this one. First of all, I don’t understand why you think the ending’s abrupt. I feel as if it ended at the right place. I don’t read fantasy unless I really have to. Please excuse me if I ask stupid questions.
This isn’t needed because, in the previous sentence, you’ve already stated that no one uses the bus stop except that girl.
I’m confused. Is moon spirit’s (the rabbit) the girl Rick sees get on the bus every day?
So, is she fading in and out?
How do Drake and Willow know each other? Are they friends? The way they are bickering, I think they might be mutual rivals. What’s wrong with Drake’s name? I think it’s pretty hot for a dragon—pun intended. xD Mr. Pyus doesn’t sound like a pleasant man. Does he share some sort of animosity with Drake? And, in the world they live in, are people of aware of these creatures and accept them? I’m confused about Rick’s character. Is he only the bus driver, or does he hold some significance to the plot?
Overall, great chapter! It’s certainly hooked me in. If I get to see such interesting people, I’d take the bus every day.
Well done, and keep writing!
Another wonderful chapter!
givemeyourwritingskills (-;A;)-
I actually asked my friend to help me scan your chapter. Her comments were that the ending was a little abrupt, but otherwise it's excellent. I agree.
I'm happy that you're inserting more fantasy-related elements. Also, reocurring characters! ... Short, incomplete phrases are used in my reviews way more than they should be. Since I don't have anything to criticize, unfortunately and fortunately, let's just skip to impressions.
1. Mr. Pyus is that one old weirdo we all need. I wonder if he's going to turn out only strange, or if he's going to be a villain. He certainly can be either. I'm willing to bet he'll be one funny guy if he stays, though.
2. Willow's back, and as a rabbit. There's that Drake they mentioned before. I might like him.
Wow, not many impressions either. Erm, yeah, I'm feeling uncreative right now. Just keep on writing well! d(._.d)
Yeah... I'm not too happy with how this chapter ended either, but I had like an hour to write it, and I only barely got it in. Oops.
Thanks for the review!