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The Chronicles of a Public Bus (part 3.09)

Monday, 6:00, route 31

When Drake pushes Willow into an inconspicuous seat near but not at the back of the bus, she feels the pinpricks of claws pushing into her coat. His face is flushed and littered with reddish freckles, and even though it’s hardly above freezing outside, and dawn hasn’t broken, his forehead is shiny with sweat. Underneath his anxiety though, Willow senses a kind of excitement. His breathing sounds like an airy chuckle, and he bounces when he lands on his seat.

“Listen, listen,” he starts, fiddling with the straps on his backpack, impatient for Willow to get settled. “So I learned something really interesting last night.”

Willow wraps her arms around herself and wishes the bus had heat lamps instead of blue lights. “Um, okay?”

“Apparently my mom once had a hoard piece stolen, like here, in Franklin City. That’s why she and Grandpa are so worked up about this ordeal.”

“I feel like you’ve said something like this before,” Willow says. She pins a fraction of her attention on the front of the bus, where two older teenagers are glued to their phones, faces glowing in the dark. As long as Drake keeps his voice down, no one else should hear him.

“Mom found out who stole her lamp about a month later, but the thief had already used her hoard item and destroyed it.”

Willow pinches her eyebrows together, confused. “Huh? Why steal something if you’re only going to destroy it?”

“Well, it’s kind of hard to use a solid Tiffany lamp for much aside from it’s original purpose, so I guess the thief had to break it before he could use it for anything else.” Drake pauses and frowns. “Typically that alternative purpose is alchemy.”

Immediately, Willow brings a finger to her lips and shushes Drake. She jerks a thumb towards the front of the bus. “There are other people here, you know.” Only her voice’s high pitch makes her audible over the droning engine. “And why would you need a dragon’s hoard item for alchemy?”

“Magic makes magic, I guess” Drake says, shrugging. “European Enlightenment dampened the magical properties of a lot of chemicals, so alchemists had to turn to other materials. I don’t really know what the thief did with Mom’s Tiffany lamp though.”

As he finishes, the bus lurches in a hard stop, and Willow shoots her hand out to catch herself, whacking Drake in the process. He grunts and rubs his arm, looking between the door and his injury.

“Is this Mr. Pyus’s stop?” he asks.

If the two people at the front of the bus indiscreetly moving to different seats isn’t enough evidence to answer ‘yes,’ Mr. Pyus’s joyous greeting is. He boards in graceful clumsiness, wobbling without bumping into the sliding doors or handrails. If he notices the other passengers sliding away from him, he doesn’t show it. “Good morning!” he bellows.

Willow winces, and her ears almost twitch. “Ugh. Please please please tell me he’s not going to sit near us,” she mutters.

Thankfully, Mr. Pyus tumbles into a seat vacated earlier by the other teenagers on the bus. He pats his belly, invoking a Saint Nicholas-like image, and turns to speak with the driver, his words echoing and bouncing around the bus despite the heater’s buzzing and the engine’s whirring.

“It’s amazing how a man that old can still be so lively,” Drake whispers, leaning closer to Willow.

“Maybe he eats a lot of peaches.”

Drake lifts an eyebrow and pulls away. “Peaches?”

“Oh! Well, um, it’s a Chinese thing, you know. They bring longevity and vitality and all that.” Willow titters and hunches over, bashful. “Supposedly, there’s an orchard in heaven full of peaches that grant immortality.”

“Really?” Drake asks. “Immortality?” He blinks a few times, and his gaze wanders to the relocated teenagers sitting two rows in front of him and Willow. Mr. Pyus’s loud conversation has induced the phone-using duo to wear their headphones, and Drake can almost hear a bass thrum from one of them. “I know the general world view has changed since the days of popular alchemy, but do you think there are still immortality seekers out there?”

“Pharmaceutical companies are trying to develop an actual peach of immortality, if that’s what you mean,” Willow replies. “Mama and Ah-gong complain about those people all the time.”

With reluctant purpose, Drake swings his head around to look straight at Willow. His mouth is pulled into a thin, serious line. “I know this is a stretch, but hear me out, please.”

“Um, okay.” After a glance at the other passengers, Willow nods for Drake to continue.

“Do you think a dragon hoard item might be useful for gaining immortality?”

Willow responds with still silence. Someone’s headphones are turned up too loud, and her ears practically flick to the noise. “Honestly,” she eventually says, “I don’t know enough about European powerful folk to answer that. You should ask your mom or another dragon, and, you know, don’t ask a Chinese dragon. I don’t think they work the way you do.”

At this, Drake frowns. He can’t ask any of his family members, and he doesn’t know where to ask for other dragons.

“Or,” Willow adds, “you could ask Divinity for help with research.” She gulps, and the movement in her throat shows even under the dim lighting. “I wouldn’t recommend it, but this is probably connected to that thing yesterday, and well…”

“Divinity would want to be involved,” Drake finishes. He makes a mental note to speak privately with Divinity later and then scoots closer to Willow. “Now then, what do you say we make predictions about whether or not the drama program adds a Tuesday showing to the musical?”

The topic change is obvious, but Willow awards Drake a relieved smile and takes the switch.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
EnderFlash
Review

Yoop-de-doodle-dee.

Notes

Now that I've read the previous two reviews, I'll try to avoid touching upon what they pointed out.

Drake's excitement in the building doesn't really seem to build into anything worthy of his state. You'd think he have a greater revelation with the way he started out; it just sorta breaks off awkwardly.

“I know the general world view has changed since the days of popular alchemy, but do you think there are still immortality seekers out there?”
I think that this would blend a little better if you showed some obvious thinking going on in him, or to make his dialogue more unsure. Something to highlight his mental transition from Willow's comment on the peaches of immortality into what he's trying to say. You do do this later, and it'd be welcome here.

Willow responds with still silence.
There's nothing... wrong, with this, I guess, but there are better alternatives to describe her lack of a response. The active stance of 'Willow responds' makes me expect an actual answer, so the later part throws me off. Heck, even throwing an 'a' in there might make it better.

Wow, my comments are wayyyy longer than they need to be :"D I try way too hard to explain myself.

Thoughts/Impressions

1. I love the legends of Sun Wukong, even if the Chinese school episodes were sorta bad. Even if he's not mentioned, it's nice to see some real lore.

2.
“Maybe he eats a lot of peaches.”
When you try to reference trivia(?) to get them to elaborate .3.

This entire chapter is kind of a mess, but it's nice to hear new comments! (And also get comments from someone who also knows the same lore.) Sorry I didn't get to reviewing the remaining chapters of Unorthodox Thieves. I've been filling out college application stuff this week.

But I will get to those reviews, no matter how long it takes!

Thanks for sticking with me!
-Buggie

Oh, good luck with college applications! I don't have to do them for another couple years :"D

User avatar
Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review · Thu May 26, 2016 11:44 am

Hey, I'm back again. I'm really impressed with how you're keeping this going and actually keeping your plot coherent and tying the small things together.

I'm also really enjoying your descriptions - they're minimal, but they get the relevant information across and also convey mood/tone very well.

I wasn't sure at the end exactly why Drake felt the need to change the topic - it didn't seem to be that much of a sensitive subject and neither Drake nor Willow seemed overly concerned/upset/bothered by what they were saying. I assume, from the last line, that Drake is changing the topic for Willow's benefit, but I wasn't sure why Willow wanted the topic changed. Maybe I'm just missing something or remembering badly.

In general, the only other thing I'll say is that some of Drake's dialogue felt contrived. His jump from Willow mentioning immortality to speculating whether that's what they wanted the lamp for felt like a bit of a stretch. Also, why would Drake guess a dragon hoard egg could be used to gain immortality? Does he have any basis for that?

In particular, this sentence just seemed off:

“I know the general world view has changed since the days of popular alchemy, but do you think there are still immortality seekers out there?”

To me, it would seem obvious that people still want immortality, and saying the "general world view has changed" is similarly odd/redundant.

“Well, it’s kind of hard to use a solid Tiffany lamp for much aside from it’s original purpose, so I guess the thief had to break it before he could use it for anything else.” Drake pauses and frowns. “Typically that alternative purpose is alchemy.”

This paragraph confused me a bit. Why would a lamp need to be broken to use it in alchemy, and how would Drake know that?

That's all I've got for you today. Keep going strong!

Yeah, this chapter may have some of the greatest (worst) leaps of logic I've ever written. I think I planned it without doing the proper research--first mistake right there--and then tried to change it while writing. Clearly it didn't work well.

Though I don't plan on changing anything (the LMS contest is supposed to keep us motivated to finish, not be perfect), I am glad you pointed this out. Hopefully this will remind me to do my research and work on the dialogue flow with sleuthing.

Thanks so much!

User avatar
Songmorning
Review

Looks like I'm almost all caught up! Let's see what I can find out about the mysterious leopard-print lady in these last few chapters. :)

Guess what? I'm starting to learn something from your descriptions that I can apply to my own writing. Your description of Drake's anxiety/excitement was top-notch. You didn't just say he seemed anxious but excited; you tangibly described all the little clues by which Willow could tell he was: the feeling of his claws, the sight of his reddish, dragon-scale freckles, the sound of his airy chuckle. You're doing an amazing job with descriptions, and it's a good example for me. Thank you!

Also--aha! Now the investigation is really starting to take off. Drake is actually investigating and asking his family about stuff. Very good. ^_^

She pins a fraction of her attention on the front of the bus, where two older teenagers are glued to their phones, faces glowing in the dark.

It's sentences like this that I really think are brilliant. This sentence tells us in only a few words, not only that Willow is trying to speak inconspicuously with Drake because they're not alone on the bus, but also that it's dark out. It also gives us the very familiar modern image of teenagers absorbed in their phones. This is the kind of thing I'm trying to learn from.

European Enlightenment dampened the magical properties of a lot of chemicals,

Whaaaaaat? 0_0 You mean by discovering the physical science of chemicals, people actually, literally lessened their magic? As in, scientific discovery doesn't only explain away magic, it also objectively dampens it? COOOOL~!

Mr. Pyus’s joyous greeting is. He boards in graceful clumsiness, wobbling without bumping into the sliding doors or handrails. If he notices the other passengers sliding away from him, he doesn’t show it. “Good morning!” he bellows.

Aww~ Hi, Mr. Pyus! ^_^ I think I've moved all the way over to liking him now.

“Do you think a dragon hoard item might be useful for gaining immortality?”

You totally just connected in that fun, random Chinese tidbit with the overall plot. O_O Great Scott, man, it's as if not a single one of your sentences is unrelated or just for fun.

I really don't know what to say here in criticism for this chapter, but I think encouragement is valuable too. Your world is really well-developed with all its lore and fantastical elements. You describe your characters' non-human natures really well (Martin's heightened senses, Willow's ears wanting to twitch, the tiny scales that appear in Drake's face when he's anxious, etc.). Good job! I'm learning a lot from your writing style, so keep up the good work. :)



i, too, use desk chairs for harm and harm alone
— Omni