Payment for Independence

Hey, Gravity here for a review!

SirLight, I just want to say this poem was very different from many others I have seen: which I really loved. I think this is a great topic and it actually makes me want to know what kinds of things you've been through.

Anyway, onward!

How many times did I have to tell you
I knew myself more than you did
Because I kept my heart, not you.

I didn't love this stanza. It's a good stanza, don't get me wrong, I just wish it had a little more power behind it. I liked the pacing of your poem, the beginning starts off slow and then it gets really really intense and then it slows down once more for the end of the poem. It just felt like this stanza disrupted this a little bit? Not sure. Anyway, moving on.

Mother, Father, you told me once
If I sought for Independence,
I had to fast for 365 days. But now, when you
sliced my tongue,
drilled my ears,
punctured my eyes,
I believed differently.

With your saw, Father,
I ripped my legs apart
and sold them to Independence.
With your knife, Mother,
I skinned my teary face
and sold it to Independence.
With your guitar, Brother,
I played a piece of A7X
worth bloodied fingers, torn throat
and sold it to Independence.

These two stanzas were amazing. I loved them. I liked the "and sold them to Independence" repetition, I thought that somewhat disrupted the flow and a really great way. It made me slow down and go "Wait, there's something he needs me to see here. There's a reason he's repeating this, what am I missing?" and I found myself reading that stanza over and over again for that reason. I also love how you capitalize the first letter of Independence every time you write it. It makes me wonder what Independence means to you, and/or if it's a symbol for something else.

and six hands pulled me
back into the bonfire,
whispering to me,
‘It’s not enough.
You will never
leave.’

I think the singular quotation marks ' should be doubles ". Other than that, something struck me. The six hands part. You mention your parents holding you back, that's a given. But I was curious as to the owner of the other two hands. Is it you pulling yourself? A sibling? An Aunt or Uncle? God? Who knows.

I thought this poem was raw. It was painful and vulnerable and it hurt me to read at points, but I loved it. A lot. I must commend you, this was a really wonderful poem and I think it deserves to be spotlighted. 9/10 because there is always room for improvement.

XOXO,
Gravity

Heya, Sirlight! Casanova here to do a review for you! I"ll be taking this stanza by stanza, so I hope you don't mind. To the review!

When I graduated high school,
both of you said Independence was not free.
I had to pay, just like I had to pay
for the clothes I used to cover my skin.

Now, I like this a lot. You have a somewhat simple beginning, but it definitely perks up towards the ending. You have a real personal feel to it, and I think your emotion shines through. Nothing to critique here, so onward.

How many times did I have to tell you
I knew myself more than you did
Because I kept my heart, not you.

Although this might have seemed like a strong stanza, it didn't really hold anything for me. I like how it starts with a question, but it doesn't really have any emotional impact for me. Anyway, onward.

Mother, Father, you denied.
My heart you drowned in sink of soap water,
washed with worn-out sponge.
And you smiled when you saw
it ooze liquid ruby, but was deaf
to its moan.

My first question here is- denied what? This is a broad term when you don't have anything after it, and I'd like to see you expand on it.
The next thought I had was about the worn-out sponge. I really liked this imagery, and think that's a good starting spot for this stanza.
I really didn't get much from,"it ooze liquid ruby, but was deaf to it's moan." It seemed ill-considered after the sponge line. Anyway, onward.

Brother, you let your nose
pulled like a cow by them.
To me you stared defiance, but
to them you would always bow.
Perhaps you knew too
the cost of Independence.

At this point I'm just starting to wonder if this is more of a rant than poetry. I know poetry is a good way to get your emotions out, but this seems more rantish than anything. I do like the last two lines of this, though, so props for that. Anyway, onward.

Mother, Father, you told me once
If I sought for Independence,
I had to fast for 365 days. But now, when you
sliced my tongue,
drilled my ears,
punctured my eyes,
I believed differently.

Here this seems more of a way to describe being oppressed by your family than anything else. These three lines,"sliced my tongue, drilled my ears, and punctured my eyes..." are the strongest out of them, yet seem somewhat lacking in their own way. It seems like you're just listing things, instead of describing and using imagery, if that makes any sense.

With your saw, Father,
I ripped my legs apart
and sold them to Independence.
With your knife, Mother,
I skinned my teary face
and sold it to Independence.
With your guitar, Brother,
I played a piece of A7X
worth bloodied fingers, torn throat
and sold it to Independence.

It seems you could add these lines together, instead of repeating,"and sold it to independence." it would make it slightly better, in my opinion.

I think I'll stop here. Anyway, overall I think you have a good poem idea that seems a bit on the ranty side, with some good images that would be better if you would expand on them, and center around your emotion instead of listing things. I think that's all I have on this one, and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron