say whatever you want. that my heart
i keep from everyone’s view, fearing
it would collapse the moment someone
sees it. i don’t care. you see, some people
are just born holding pearls while others have
scars ruining their face. i am the latter kind,
the one who would always draw a frown
from the people who would never care.
some people have their status determined
by their skin colour. the transparent trace
of their identity. ultimately, you are the result
of sunsets and sunrises, from clouds to rains
to the water in the river, you change while
you grow, and those changes define you.
people like me? others think we keep
devil’s horns between the crevices of our mind.
others think the smiles we put on our face
are masks to hide the blasphemy in our eyes.
others think we bring sin when we were born
as if god has plucked us from hell and
slid us into the womb of a poor woman.
i stay in the shadow because i know
if i step under the sunlight, it would burn me.
those frowning people weave its radiance,
deciding who would receive its warmth,
and who would receive its burn. i have
to paint my cheek with gold, the colour
of the privileged, the accepted.
don’t mock me. don’t throw the word
coward onto my face if you are those
who had come into the world holding jewelry.
believe me when i said, if we exchange souls,
you wouldn’t be able to bear it. indeed, you
would rather drink poison then surrender
to the chains you have put around your tongue
and your neck and your hands and your feet
for your own safety.
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140,597 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!
This poem carries a strong message, you can tell straight away. However, you can also tell the poet either wrote this in a rush, or simply did not care for the reader's comfort in reading. I understand the meaning behind this poem is far from comfortable, but the reader is going to have no pleasure from reading it, because the poem doesn't flow and isn't done to a specific meter.
Your most common mistake is punctuation. First of all, I understand poetry can be anything you want, but there certain basic rules you have to follow. A line is poetry's equivalent of a sentence. You wouldn't put periods in the middle of a sentence in prose; why do it in poetry? It just ruins the flow. If you are going to add periods, do it on the end of the line and start each line with a capital letter.
Onto the actual poem:
"...some people are just born holding pearls while others have scars ruining their face."
I'd just like to point out, having scars on your face doesn't make you less able to use your hands. One can be covered in scars and still "hold pearls".
"...around your tongue
and your neck and your hands and your feet..."
Was the repetition of 'and' really necessary?
On the more positive note, I think this is a good poem. It uses a lot of nice metaphors and other devices. I may have sounded a bit harsh, but I'm only trying to help you. This poem really has a lot of potential, you just need to apply some skill to it.
Overall, a good poem with a lot of potential, but try to work on punctuation and the ways you try to get your message across.
Hi! I'm stopping by for a quick reveiw!
The first thing I noticed about your piece that I liked was the title. I think it was a good choice to capture the readers attention and make them want more.
I also really liked your word choice. I think the strongest example is the last stanza. I love the lines about drinking poison and the ones about the chains. I think it shows a good moral dilema; to take control of your own life and death, or to let others control you. I really like that you italicized coward like someone was saying it to you.
My absolute favorite stanza is the second on last one.
"i stay in the shadow because i know
if i step under the sunlight, it would burn me.
those frowning people weave its radiance,
deciding who would receive its warmth,
and who would receive its burn. i have
to paint my cheek with gold, the colour
of the privileged, the accepted."
I like how you didn't capitalize the i's, as it's a stylistic choice that I used occasionally. I also like the inclusion of the colors and the sensations, like warmth and burns.
The only problem I have with the piece is the punctuation. I found it a little difficult to follow along when the liens often had periods right in the middle and carried over to other lines. The flow seemed a bit off, and I would like to see you play around with it a bit.
I hoped this helped a little. It might seem all over the place I'm sorry. I really enjoyed the piece and I liked how you were talking to the reader by using "you". Keep working!
-E