z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

What Would You Do?

by Lightsong


What would you do
when you learn the meaning of love?
Your heart quakes, your eyes look away
from the sun passing by you.
Thoughts gather into a single focus
of him and him and him.

But a stranger is he, someone
who never saves his voice for you, someone
who spares you only a glance when you stumble on him
and walks away with a smile as if nothing happens -
as if his world and yours do not collide.

What would you do
when you know love is not easy to obtain?
Your heart yearning for his when all you can do
is reach his shadow. You hear his laughter from a distance,
a gap you could close with your steps, if only
you dare yourself to move.
Yet, despite being as still as stone, you keep wishing
for him to utter your name.

What would you do
when you see him holding someone’s hand?
Gazing at each other, their eyes speak without a voice
and spark the coals of envy you didn’t know you had.

It is then, that the statue cracks
slowly but surely. The quake is now an echo
and your steps click with confidence.
You know you can’t let a chance slip away
and so you speak his name and he turns towards at you.

He smiles and it breaks your heart
because the smile belongs to a stranger
and his heart belongs to another.
His words: ‘How are you? Nice to meet you.
Have a nice day.’
You know, then.
‘Have a nice day’.
You know.

What would you do
when you realize love is not for everyone?

*Edited at 31th January 2017

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1274 Reviews

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Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:03 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there SirLight! Niteowl here to review.

Overall, this poem was really good. It made me feel the desire and hopelessness of unrequited love. While it's hardly an original topic, it was expressed so eloquently here that my heart is absolutely aching for the speaker. My nitpicks are focused on the grammatical because I have little else to say.

My first comment is on the title and repeating refrain "What would you do". I feel like "would" is the wrong choice here. It's the conditional tense, referring to a hypothetical future, when the rest of the poem is in present tense. I like the immediacy of the present tense in this piece, so I suggest "What do you do" to maintain that.

You hear his laughter from a distance,
a gap that can fill your steps, if only
you dare yourself to move.


I like the idea here, but I feel like it's awkwardly worded. Maybe instead of "a gap that can fill your steps", it could be "a gap you could easily close" or something like that.

Gazing at each other, their eyes speak without a voice
and spark the coals of envy you didn’t know you have.


This is beautiful. Just a minor nitpick: "have" should be "had".

and so you speak his name and he turns at you.


"He turns at you" is awkward-sounding and not grammatically correct. "He turns towards you" is more correct and sounds better. Same goes for the next line that uses this phrase.

You know, then. ‘Have a nice day’.
You know.


Love this, but I feel like the emotional impact would be that much greater if "Have a nice day" had its own line again.

Overall, this is beautiful and sad and heart-wrenching and I only have nit-picks to offer as critiques. Great job and keep writing! :D




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Points: 319
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Fri Jan 27, 2017 5:12 pm
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MeAndMyThoughts wrote a review...



Hello there. I hope to give a fair review. And hope that I can be of help.

What I liked— I haven't done a review on such a poem yet. The poem is slow and gentle. It has a flow even without having a definite rhythm. I really enjoyed reading it, even though it's written for a female (from a male?). Great work! I liked this line— 'your eyes look away
from the sun passing by you.' Really slow motion I guess. But good.
'What would you do
when you realize love is not for everyone?' The last line is so true. Amazing. Simply superb. I can't express in words how amazed I am with the tone of the poem. I also liked this line —

'It is then, that the statue cracks' It has been brilliantly carried. Very good!!!!!


What changes might be done— First, let's get on grammatical mistakes.

'and walks away with a smile as if nothing happens -
as if his world and yours do not collide.' 'Happens' should be 'happened'. 'Your heart yearning for his when all you can do
is reach his shadow.' Not really needed but 'to' may be added after 'is'. It will break the flow though. I am just advising. 'a gap that can fill your steps,' Does this line has a meaning which I am unable to understand? I am feeling that it is wrong otherwise. 'when you see him holding someone’s hand?' 'Someone else's hand' might go rather than just 'someone's hand', but it will break the flow. Now about 'and' and 'commas'. I felt that to keep the flow, and give the poem that slow-motion touch, commas can be used before 'and' where 'and' is used more than once. 'You know, then.' The comma here looks insignificant.

Conclusion— Overall, a very well composed poem with great flow and imagery. I really enjoyed reading it. Well done!!!! Keep it up!!!!!





Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.
— Abraham Lincoln