It’s not our job to tell you what things should be
when you have a brain and a heart to understand
that love cannot be touched, heard, or seen, and therefore
is not a matter, is mute and invisible. Do these scream
a certain type of love to you? Would blue always be paired with red?
After the revelation, you frowned, you clicked your tongue.
You looked away, you said no, no, no, over and over again,
a mantra you hope would drag you away from the reality
in front of you. There was no way your son was holding his hand.
There is no way your son could smile while he leaned closer.
There is no way. Because the only way it could happen
is if it were your way. It was not.
We will never stop. What we have between each other
is the same with what you have with each other.
There is no comparison of whether my heart beats
faster when I see him than you see Father.
There is no difference in treatment I should give to him
(with kisses, with hugs, and a shoulder to spare).
There is no reason to say our love is false or fake
because it is built upon our birthmark, a shape
marked on our skin to remind us this is who we are.
If an army is what there is for us to stand up against,
then so be it. If refutations and scowls and insults
wait for us the moment our declaration leaves our tongue,
then so be it. We are ready. We will bear every torture
you have prepared for us, and if we couldn’t, then we will flee.
To a place where love is seen as part of humanity,
where happiness isn’t a marriage ring exclusive for some people.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review, as promised! Apologies for getting to this a little later than I expected, though I'm here now. Without further ado, let's jump right in!
The first stanza starts out strong with the first three lines, though the two after that fall flat. Specifically, 'and therefore' is where the stanza stops making sense to the reader. You're better off rewriting the part after that since it's a lot weaker in both wording and in content than the lines before. I also wanted to note that the reader doesn't know what 'things' in the first line. This almost seems as if you were attempting to say 'how things should be' and got the two mixed up. Deciphering 'is not a matter', maybe you were meaning to say that love isn't matter? That love isn't a physical substance? More clarity in this stanza is appropriate, though I know what you're trying to say with the title line being the majority of the third.
This second stanza seems to be speaking more to the parent of a gay child. The flow here is a little off-putting and near the end in the last two lines, this doesn't make a whole lot of sense. What is the way of the parent? Does the parent want the child to be straight? That's something that needs clarified here. A period after 'frowned' in the first line is something I find beneficial, though that's a minor stylistic preference.
This brings more clarity of the theme to the table. I can see now that this is more directed to what I assume to be the speaker's mother more than anything else, though I wish that I learned this earlier on. The last three lines here don't make a lot of sense to me? Built on a birthmark? What does that mean? What is this shape on their skin indicating? That the speaker and their love interest are both queer? I couldn't find any other meaning out of that. I did like the line in parentheses with this stanza though! I also wanted to point out that 'heartbeats' is usually spelled as a single word, though that's minor.
This last stanza is one that comes through better than the second and third, I've found. I suggest changing 'flee' to 'escape' (that's more of a personal preference) and making the last two lines connected to the fourth and fifth since it's not an independent clause. Overall I found the flow to be a little off and the cohesiveness is a bit of a problem since the tone shifts throughout. In stanzas two and three we get more of the perspective of the speaker though in stanzas one and four they're more focused on general love. I also wish that this came back together and wrapped up with the title to make this feel more strung together.
Keep experimenting around with this, because the concept is well, there are just a couple restraints holding this one back. Flow is important with spoken word, so try and focus on that a little more and fix that up. If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Hi!
This is such a beautiful and powerful piece. At first, I didn't really understand how the title was going to be related to the poem, but once I got through the first stanza it made sense to me.
My favorite stanza was the second one. It was well written, and beautifully tragic. I liked the "no, no, no" part because I felt like someone was actually speaking those words to me.
The only thing I would suggest is maybe breaking up the lines differently. I don't really like how some lines have a sentence and half of another one in them, like in the lines
"We will never stop. What we have between each other
is the same with what you have with each other."
Maybe you could play around with line breaks and punctuation a bit?
Overall, the piece is really good. It hit me a bit hard because I relate to a lot of what is written in the lines, and the feelings behind the lines. Keep up the good work!
-E
Hello there this is hiptersquid here to write a poetry review.
This poem touched my heart so much. I myself am a Lesbian so I know the pain of this love story. I know what its like to want nothing more than acceptance and freedom and if we have to fight for it "so be it." Everyone deserves the Paradise "where happiness isn't a marriage ring exclusive for some people." This is by far my favorite poem I have come across and I love it so much because everything about it is true. As I was reading it I got chills. Thank you so much for writing this I couldn't have found the right words as you did. You described this so perfectly. Thank you.