in the street, noises ran rampant
like a pack of dinosaurs. car honks
and people chatters competed
for the highest volume.
my phone rang and i took shelter
in front of a restaurant’s door
under its roof. i held the screen
close to my ear, delighted
to hear your dulcet voice.
it didn’t reach me fast enough.
the background sound drowned it
and I could only say, what?,
can’t hear you, speak louder,
and sorry, gotta hold off the phone.
i didn’t tell you i’d call you later.
the world around me
(mountain skyscraper; mindless
vehicles passing by, burning fuels;
people filling the pavement
like ants and stumbling over each other
without the seconds to apologize)
presented itself as an illusion,
a kind of humour from god
for both of us.
i imagined the music in your laughter,
the warmth in your hug,
and the mystery in your whisper.
the humour ended
when the phone vibrated
(a message from you).
i smiled at can’t wait to see you home.
love you. i closed my eyes
and memorized your words.
when words were clearer read
than heard, i knew home was where
our mistletoe stayed immortal
and i couldn’t wait to end
this daily torment in the brick jungle
and whispered to you the last
two words you gave me.
and when i did
i would never stop.
A/N: i actually quite like this one. if you want to review, i'd like you to focus on several aspects:
i. vocabulary (whether this poem could do more good with higher level of vocabulary, and if it could, where could it be employed)
ii. imagery (whether there needs to be more exploration of imagery, going to more details and depths)
iii. voice (does the speaker sound relatable enough? does his voice likeable? how about his lover? does his character is sufficiently described in the poem?)
and of course, i would love to your long interpretation of the poem (it's rather direct though).
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Light! <3
This is supremely sweet. It makes me think of my LDRs and how heart-swelling it is to get those sweet texts and to memorize the words of your love. It's a unique experience, and I think you captured it flawlessly.
Regarding your questions, one by one, I think the vocabulary is at a perfect level for accessibility to where you're not alienating any readers and you're not boring anyone with kindergarten vocab, either.
Your imagery seems sufficient since this poem is more about what is said and the sentiments felt, I believe, though after the stanza where the lover says "I love you," I feel that your imagery definitely kicks up a notch to ring in the idea of home and absolute love and adoration. It's actually quite beautiful to pull together, and it's a technique I've not thought much on in the past.
And the voice is spot-on here. You aren't too sappy, aren't too stark, and you deliver the poem's sentiment with a soft tone to be handled gently. I highly appreciate it.
I also have to praise your development of line breaks and flow, as both have improved drastically between this piece and your last, so well done.
I know this isn't much criticism, but I wanted to let you have a review in which you know the skill you're showing with.
All the best,
Ty
Hey Light, it's ya boi autbaders. You knew this review was coming in hot mmm
Unlike the last poetry review on you, I'm gonna critique it instead of just analyze it because I have some big complaints about this one.
First thing I want to talk about is the poem being in all lowercase, even though the content and tone of the poem is pretty heartwarming. All lowercase is pretty popular these days in poetry, so maybe that might be the reason why you wrote the poem like that. However, it's usage in this poem doesn't quite fit for me. Personally, the feeling that the all-lowercase gives off is bleakness and everything associated with it. Grief, longing, loss, all that fancy stuff. This poem ain't got none of that though. In fact, it ends on a good note, with the persona being able to reply to their lover. The lowercase thing would have been more appropriate for something like your Our Secret Dance. It just goes against the pretty good ending of the poem.
The second thing I want to talk about is how ham-fisted this poem is in what I think the theme is. I guess the theme of the poem is that texting helps to bring together relationships. Texting specifically, not calls or any other form of non-visual communication (since calling didn't work out). I think that because texting was the thing that resolved the conflict of the narrative and was referred to in the title, so it must hold a lot of weight in it. It's weird and niche, but it can work out if you reinforce that theme. But I feel you did not. The importance of texting in this narrative was shown when the persona's lover sent them a text, but it never gets a mention again.
That or I'm just missing the point of the poem entirely cause I'm feeling apathetic towards it right now. Maybe I'd appreciate it if you pointed it out for me.
The biggest problem I have with this bad boy is that I feel it's shallow. Shallower than an inflatable kiddie pool. It conveys its theme, whatever it is, in a way that is really obvious. I feel that there's nothing to interpret, because its straightforwardness makes me feel like the only way to take this poem is literally.
Strabismus creatively presented its theme about perspective through the eyes of its nuanced and personality-filled persona. Our Secret Dance, which is such a surreal ride, is loaded with deeper meaning that isn't so obvious until you go as far as looking into the background of its author. In those poems I felt that I had to dig deeper for its meaning, whereas in this one, I feel that everything I need to know is onscreen already. And that's what makes this poem so unengaging and boring compared to the last ones.
Yeah, that's the end of the review. I know I was harsh, and maybe I was too dumb to see the point of it, but I hope you'll be able to consider this perspective of mine when making your future works. You can come at me with a PM if you want some clarification on my thoughts on this poem.
Despite all that was said, just keep on writing mang,
-awtbeyders
Hi, Lightsong! I'll go ahead and follow the organization you requested in your author's note!
i. vocabulary
So I think there are some places where the vocabulary is lacking and others where the specificity and level of it feel out of place. For example, in the first stanza you write
I would rather know what general type of dinosaurs, and have better nouns (and words that are actually nouns) instead of "honks" and "chatters".
But later you describe a voice as dulcet, and I feel like that takes me out of the natural everyday atmosphere of the poem, because that's not a word I would use to describe a voice on a regular basis. If you want readers to be shaken awake at that word, I guess it does that job, but if you'd like to keep a consistent tone, maybe consider a more common word.
ii. imagery
As I mentioned, although I'd like a more specific image to open the poem, I think that the imagery that exists through the rest of the poem is sufficient. For example, when you describe all the layers of the city, I'm not asked to see details but rather asked to feel the complexity, and more detailed imagery would ruin that feeling. The last few stanzas are more about thoughts/emotion than imagery, which I think works fine, because that's a pretty natural evolution. Why do you ask, though? Do you want more imagery?
iii. voice
First of all, I know nothing, from the poem, about his lover, except that they love him. You mention laughter, hug, and whisper exist, but do not describe them specifically. If you wanted an image of the lover to exist in the poem, you will have to make an effort to include it. As for the voice of the narrator, I think it's pretty well-measured. The only place I kind of lost touch with him was in this section:
Because mistletoe seems out of place, and "torment" seems too dramatic -- as if the only thing he wants in the whole world is to spend 24 hours with his lover. Which seems romantic when you are like young in love, but is actually unrealistic and not a rounded way to live! Sorry! Old person opinion!
As you said, there's not much to interpret -- a guy wants to get home to his lover? If there's more implication within the poem, I missed it.
Hope these thoughts help ya out!
PM if you have any questions or comments.
Hannah
that is a big, phat juicy poem you got there mmm
hot
I know you'd like long one.