I didn't know how my brain worked at that time, but
I did know I stepped into the world crying.
Naked, blood covering my body, and just more
and more tears escaping my eyes.
It's funny how people said babies were innocent creatures
when I can only imagine my baby self as a tortured soul,
as if at the time I started my life in the world, he already knew
how cruel the world could be, how vulnerable he was if
people who surrounded him weren't doctors or midwives.
How cruel it would be if he was born to die.
Everyday, I walked in the street, blood soaking
my suit, as I ran passed the stray cat beside the road
and the beggar beside it, still sleeping with worn clothes
on hard, tiled pavements, to the bus. To my working place
to stay alive, but not breathing, because
I was already dead inside. The world possessed me now.
I checked my watch more than I check
the folks living next to me. I ignored people's smile
and wondered if they hid daggers at their back.
Sometimes, I wished I could be pure like the baby
laid on the bed, wrapped by a white blanket.
His eyes were closed and he smiled. He didn't move.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hello!
That last line was excellent. The little poetic turn there, really nice stuff.
I must say I feel like I don't quite understand this poem the way it's meant to be. I feel like I'm missing something, so apologies if I completely misinterpret it.
"I didn't know how my brain worked at that time, but
I did know I stepped into the world crying."
The past tense of "do" feels really weird here. Is this narrator speaking from beyond the grave? Do you ever stop knowing something? I suggest you change it to just "do" as in "I don't know... and "I (do) know." ...unless of course you're talking about what you knew as a baby. But that doesn't seem to be your intention, I think.
Also, "stepped" feels like a strange verb to use, considering babies don't take any steps for months.
"and just more and more tears" feels really awkward to me. Maybe describe the tears like "...covering my body,
and rivers of tears flowing from my eyes"
Or something. Def doesn't have to be that.
I just think "just more and more" is pretty weak.
again with tense, don't people still say they are innocent? Has the world ended? because if not, people are going to continue to say this until the end of time.
"my baby self" feels really off. Not sure how to advise you to rephrase it, just that it should probably be rephrased.
"a tortured soul" feels like an over-used phrase. Why not just say "tortured"?
You switch the subject halfway through this, from "I" to "he" and it's kinda confusing at first! Maybe you should just talk about a baby as if it's not you? Any baby can look like a tortured soul, I suppose!
Also, this particular section is very needlessly wordy. Try cutting down the extraneous words and cut right to the point.
aren't we all born to die?
This is a very striking idea, and I like the fact that you set it alone by itself. It also acts as a nice transition to the next part.
However, I feel like with this line and with the entire rest of the poem, you could do more... kicking. More emotional manipulation of your audience. Make them feel something. Don't give your commentary like you did here, give it to them like it's a fact that this baby was born to die. The audience can decide for themselves if it would be cruel or not without your force-feeding them the question.
Ummm I feel like we pass this little detail by really fast and never come back to it when it's the #1 most interesting image in this entire poem? Like what!? Is the narrator like a hitman or something? Honestly, after this fact, I couldn't care less about babies or whatever. I just wanna know why this guy's suit is covered in blood everyday! You have to understand where I'm coming from! But the fact is, it's not addressed or explained. I say you should probably just leave out that detail (although it is kind of a nice tie-back to the baby being covered in blood) because it's far, far, far too distracting!
This information seems really useless to me. Why is it here? Cut down on unneeded things is always my policy. It's good to pack concrete images and emotions into a small package so it affects people more!
I feel like this is a completely different poem. Suddenly it's about living meaningfully rather than the idea that maybe newborns aren't innocent or something. Plus you do a 180 on that idea.
And again, you have a weird tense thing going on. Checked/check in one line, all this past tense even though in context it seems like that's still the place where the narrator is. "sometimes I wished" feels just weird. Check through those tenses and see what you really want to say here.
Again, I like the final image. I like it a lot. I think that image is perfect for juxtaposing with chaotic life, you know?
Anyway, the whole main message of this poem seems garbled to me, like you had an idea, but then it changed halfway through. Like there's another half of the poem that isn't here or something.
The tone of the piece almost feels pedantic. Maybe go for some imagery and metaphor over simple, declarative sentences and musings.
I hope this helped somewhat!
Keep writing!
~fortis
Hello, you have a beautiful poem here,the way you pictured yourself as a baby is wow
Your poem describes exactly how the human mind works,how human feel compare to a small little child.It shows the fact that a grown mind has many troubles compare to a babe who is innocent and pure,free of trouble
Your also give an insight to what people feel at different times,the thought running through the human mind
Although,you got me confused a little in stanzas two, I guess o understand now. You've got a very nice poem
Hello,
SirLight
I think this is beautiful poem. I doubt this will count as a review because I don;t have much to say.
but I like this a lot and want to encourage you to keep writing
Kimmycat
Well done!
Hello,
I would just like to say I really enjoyed reading your poem. Unfortunately at the moment I have no time to write a complete review. Though I felt obliged to just leave a comment. I admire your authenticity.
The poem itself is written beautifully. The way you described yourself as a babe, yet in the same time addressing it as a complete different person. Brilliant!
That is all, I hope you are not disappointed. I am quite new to the whole reviewing and commenting thing.