when i tried to grab the stars in the sky
with my little hand and short height,
our friendship was a circular wall made
of cement. no matter how many times
we fought with each other (over stolen
erasers and mean pranks), no matter
how much tears we shed, how much
torture we gave to our throats for yelling
out our angers, all of these couldn’t
break the wall.
but if a human died at the end, then
our wall would crumble, even before
our light of life vanished.
when i knew it took hundreds of steps
to arrive at the roof of a tall building,
when i saw the city not as a playground
to marvel, but as a forest to be wary of,
our friendship was a circular wall made
of papers. we counted the days until
graduation day arrived with our fingers.
we tried to make sure we still held hands
even if we couldn’t see each other, distance
a quiet tormentor. before we knew it,
the faces that came into our mind were no
of each other, but of our friends who
didn’t wear uniforms, who were like us
wearing casual attires, listening to,
not teachers, but professors.
we cut the circle not because that
was our only option, but because
the circle didn’t stay existing only
by our hopes.
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Ooh, this is sort-of like a coming-of-age story, isn't it?
Well, I like it. The metaphor of the concrete circular wall is splendid, and I admire how you carry on with it over the course of the poem. As such, I can visualize the gradual separation of the main duo, torn apart by tragedy, new friends, new experiences, and the passage of time. The way that the cement wall turns into paper is, of course, a particularly vivid demonstration of this change, as is the way that distance is personified as a "quiet tormentor". Furthermore, I have to empathize with the protagonist, because your way of conveying the solidness of the friendship, and the decay that eventually ruins it, brings a sad air to this piece. The final stanza, ending the extended metaphor, best illustrates sorrow, as the hopes of the duo couldn't stand against the losses and gains of life.
It's not a perfect poem, sure. The first two lines are superfluous and don't attach to the metaphor that I feel should be the opening line. As I always pause when switching from one line to the next, I felt interrupted by the breaks between the trains of thought in the opening stanza (though I believe the next stanzas handle this issue more effectively, especially when mentioning distance). I also want to point out that, in "the faces that came into our mind were no", the word "not" may be a more appropriate end. Finally, though this is more nitpicky, assuming that the deaths of people happens repeatedly, and breaks down the walls more than once, it might be best to note the wall's reconstruction (except weaker each time, thanks to death and grief). If there is only one death involved, I'd suggest specifying that death, and perhaps glossing over the circumstances, while demonstrating how it crippled the wall permanently.
Regardless, this is a sad and beautiful poem about growing up and losing friendships, complete with new friends, new experiences, and the chance to make other, perhaps even stronger, cement walls. It was wonderful to read from start to finish; well done!
Hey Lightsong,
I am just going to come out and say it. You missed some edits.
There, now that the unpleasantness is out of the way, let's get to the gushing.
I love the way that you stick with this idea of a circular relationship and you talk about that circle like it's actually a real thing. It makes it feel tangible even though it's not and that's impressive. I especially like how you say "but if a human died at the end, then/our wall would crumble, even before/our light of life vanished." because circles are, well, circular, so they don't technically have an end, so it makes me think more of a spring or a spiral than a circle even though you use the word circle.
I also like the way that you talk about the wall because usually walls are built to keep people out, but this one almost seems to support the relationship. Without the wall, with the wall ending, things crumble away, and you lose the friendship. When the wall is there, it's still supporting whatever structure the friendship brings.
When I first read the poem, I wondered if it was about one friendship or two due to the nature of the first and third stanzas. They sound like two different types of relationship. One, the first, is more of a rivalry than a friendship, while the second is definitely a friendship. I think this works because sometimes friends do start out as rivals. It was never my experience to have friends who used to be rivals, but I've seen it enough on TV and in books and such that I'm sure it must be true.
I think you could work on some of your wording. Try to just have the same word once or twice in a poem. Definitely don't repeat nouns or verbs in the same stanza. If you want to use circle again and again, find some other way to say it, or to bounce back to the earlier reference. This is oftentimes why the subject might be left off of a sentence because it refers back to the previous subject. It's a trick you might be able to use. That's up to you.
Overall, double check your grammar, good job with the visuals, and try to create a better word choice.
Great poem! First off,the good stuff. Repeating words is a poetic device that can make or break your poem. If used correctly it can give your poem more of an impact. If used incorrectly it makes it sound like the message is being shoved down your throat. You used it correctly. Last year of middle school for me and I can relate. Friends come and go,your best friends will stay. The last stanza I understand it as we went our separate ways,not because of a bitter fight or that we lost touch. That we did it for ourselves,in order to continue with life. However,the memories will always be there. You used great metaphors,my favorite being the one about the city. I have to say maybe space the poem out a little. Since,it's all in the lowercase form it kinda looks like a jumble of words. Your free verse gave it more of a sense of depth. The only flaws I can find are the minor grammar flaws that everyone has and will be pointed out anyways. Amazing poem! Keep writing!:)