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E - Everyone

The Walls Around Us

by Lightsong


Your laughter passes by me like the wind, natural
in its essence. It put down my wall, your hand finally
reaching me. Sometimes, I like it. The sensation
that the sky would fall vanishes and I feel like I walk
on glass covering the ocean beneath. Surreal.

Other times, I watch on the glass and see my reflection.
How my smile is the the brightest light I can reveal
to the world. How my quietness reminds others about
the silence in the graveyard. I pale in comparison to you.
You are the sun, blessing others with warmth while I
am the darkest night in a frozen expanse.

People gravitate towards you like bees to the flowers,
drinking your happiness as if it is nectar. I am one of them.
I cannot help it when without you, there would always be
a gray cloud hovering over me, promising rain and thunder.

I wonder why I cannot be like you. To fill myself with joy.
To cease away the frustrations like they are dirt on my shoulder.
My mind works on how to solve the issues surrounding me
like flies. Unlike me, you breathe in life with ease while I
cry and scowl, huff and yell with little chuckles left.

I realize, though, the cost of being the light source.
Of being the melody people crave and the hands people seek.
Their happiness become yours, and when you are alone,
what would you do? How are you going to adapt when you know
satisfying others has become your only routine?
What is your worth when you are not the sun?

There would be a time when smiling and laughing
build a wall around you, hindering the scent of other emotions
from reaching. I hope to drag away the fear that has
persuaded you from taking risks and maybe when we are together,
we can taste each emotion and trample each dilemma.


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Tue Aug 08, 2017 2:27 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hi there, Lightsong! I am here to review you're lovely poem as requested. :)

Flow
You asked me to take a look at the flow and imagery in this piece, so I'm going to get started with that. I'm going to go by stanza by stanza.
In stanza 1, the line breaks and flow is really excellent. I get a bit stuck on the phrase "It put down my wall" because I didn't immediately realize what "it" referred to. But I love how your lines bleed into one another because you broke them up mid-phrase. And then you slow down at the end with that one word sentence "Surreal."

Stanza 2, the line breaks seem to break a bit more awkwardly, I think the phrases themselves aren't awkward, but the places you've broken the lines up don't necessarily add meaning. I think the repetition of "I" and "How" coming in at different spots in the line also didn't help the flow of this stanza. When readers see repetition, I think we want to read it as a pattern, so when there's repetition but the repeated word comes at different times mid-line and beginning of line and end of line then it feels jolting and accidental rather than purposeful. Also ending and beginning a line with the same word: "you" really emphasizes that word (which seems to be the subject of the poem) but on the other-hand it hurts the flow, could a word go between those two?

Stanza 3 and stanza 4 flow similarly - you don't try to break up the lines mid phrase in either of these but we have a lot of repetition of "I do this" and "I do that" which again can get repetitive for the reader. Your first stanza really excelled at making each sentence different, if you move around and change your sentence structure a bit I think it would make the poem feel more interesting and help with the flow.

Stanza 5 - the sentences are changed up a bit so the flow is getting better although those question marks are a bit disruptive. Because you use minimal punctuation marks before this stanza I would maybe try to make those last three questions some sort of run-on compound sentence for the sake of losing the question marks, so it doesn't get too distracting for a reader.

Then in the last stanza, in that first stanza there are a lot of "-ing" words which gets a bit odd as far as reading it out loud and flow, and then the second sentence flows a bit better but doesn't end up feeling very "final" or "conclusive". I'm wondering if you could find a stronger way to phrase "trample each dilemma" because that's the hope you leave the reader with, that some day the relationship could work with the two together, but "dilemma" doesn't seem like a strong enough word for what they'll need to trample or conquer.

To summarize my thoughts on flow in this piece, I think you start off really strong in the first stanza, then it gets a bit repetitive with some of your sentence structure. If you switch around some of that I think it would really improve the flow without needing to change too much here.

Imagery
As far as your imagery, I have to commend you for picking different images and sensory descriptions that work together and seemed like they all fit in one poem together. They were all sort of bent on emotion and nature descriptions and I could see them building upon each other. I think the contrasts you had between the speaker and the subject also worked for the most part.

Some parts that I didn't think were as effective: contrasting the subject's laughter to the speaker's "chuckles" (for some reason chuckles just seems like an odd description to me) I don't know how else you could contrast it except maybe by describing the volume?

Also the bumble bees to flowers metaphor seemed a bit used, although I liked the nectar addition you put in. I also couldn't quite understand the "scent of other emotions" bit you had at the end. For me, its a bit hard to wrap my mind around scent being used in that context.

Overall though, I thought your imagery was useful and consistent throughout the piece.

Word Choice / Punctuation
So, I also wanted to note I would characterize this poem as a bit wordy. Which isn't a problem (I enjoy writing poems that are more wordy than succinct) but it does mean that you might want to take a second look at your word choice to make sure that vague or redundant words aren't filling up any space. Taking a look at the first stanza (which was a really strong for the piece) I have a few critiques I'll point out:

Your laughter passes by me like the wind, natural
in its essence. It put down my wall, your hand finally
reaching me. Sometimes, I like it. The sensation
that the sky would fall vanishes and I feel like I walk
on glass covering the ocean beneath. Surreal.

So overall in that section you have great word choice - I love the emotion and how it moves from action to action the poem doesn't stay in one place it moves. There were two places where word choice could be stronger though "put" (in the line"It put down my wall") is a bit vague and "like" in "Sometimes, I like it" is vague and doesn't have much "umph" compared to the rest of that first stanza.

Generally you had pretty strong word choice, but there were just a few sections here and there where you might want to look at whether or not the word is too vague for what you're describing.

Overall Impressions / Theme
My impression of the message of this piece is that the speaker is describing a person (the subject) who is very extroverted, who people who are drawn to and who has a way of really reaching out to people with ease. The speaker in comparison struggles to be as extroverted and doesn't seem so happy when people look at them, they don't outwardly display so much ease and joy. And yet despite the contrasts between the speaker and the subject, the speaker themselves is also drawn to the subject and wonders at the inner well being of the subject, apart from what they outwardly project. In the last stanza, the speaker wishes that the two of them could face the world together.

I think that's a pretty interesting message! And one that doesn't necessarily have to be interpreted as romantic either, but just as sort of a personality analysis of two characters (the speaker and the subject). I enjoyed reading this piece and for me, I thought the story or narrative aspect of it was also pretty strong.

If you have any questions about my review please don't hesitate to ask, I hope this was helpful in some way for you!

~alliyah




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Tue Aug 08, 2017 12:02 am
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



Hi there Lightsong! Apologies in advance that this review took so long for me to actually sit down and do. I kept forgetting that I didn't already review this and now I'm going to make it up to you! You're my 500th Green Room review, which means that this is the review that's going to earn me a unicorn! Isn't that exciting? What's more exciting with this review and without dragging out the intro any longer, lets begin.

Note that the inner perfectionist in me wants this to be symmetrical because of how close this is to being evened out but I'm not even going to go there just to make this a fair and non-rambly review. Instead, let's start with the first stanza. The first full line here (not the first poetic line but where the first period is) is strong enough to start us off. However I'm not sure if this is intentional or not, but I noticed that this poem talks a lot more than before. There's also a lot more jumping around and changing up with the imagery. In the first stanza, we're hit with the wind, sky and ocean.

The second stanza compares the other person to a sun and the speaker compares their own person to be a dark and cold night. This trope annoys me a little bit of how the other person is always seen to be the sun especially in the context of romance poetry (which I'm unsure if that's what this is). In short without listing off all of the stanzas, the imagery jumps around a lot and doesn't have a main base to sprout off of. This is something that I suggest adding in because there is a sense of cohesiveness in the actual narrative and what's being talked about in the poem, just not in the imagery.

That being said, the flow again is one of the more apparent problems here and this isn't a favorite poem of yours that I have. Not necessarily bad, but this is missing something somewhere. There's no punch or impact that I felt. The last line is getting there in being a strong ending but doesn't have that bite or sting or closure that the reader wants. Generally I'm pretty neutral on this poem because I haven't been made to care and the other person is once again, kinda vague. Personal experiences and pulling more from them can help fix the problem of vagueness. Keep experimenting and playing around with this one to see how that turns out and I'm sure this'll improve.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image





I always knew that deep down in every human heart, there is mercy and generosity. No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.
— Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom