Of Desire and Honour

Hello there, here to review!

Formatting & Grammar
I'm normally a fan of even stanzas (changing from 4 lines in each stanza, or 5 in each stanza), but that's really just my preference. I liked that they were at least similarly lengthened lines, which gave the poem an ordered look on the page and while reading.

The use of parenthesis is interesting, I'm not sure it's quite needed, but it makes an interesting contrast and draws attention to the image of the matches and the continuation of that image when it pops up the second time.

I didn't see any misspelled words so great job editing, and the end punctuation faded into the background and wasn't distracting, so good job on that too. My only grammar note would be I think that line 3 simply does not make sense, and it might be because you're missing a letter or word, or maybe I'm just misreading it.

I also think the flow of the poem was fine, you had a bit of rhyme at places and kept the lines and linebreaks tight.

Word Choice & Figurative Language

So there were a few things I thought were fairly strong as far as word choice & phrasing goes, and then a couple areas I was having trouble with.

Overall you also did well keeping with "olde english" spelling and word choice, it didn't seem forced, but added to feeling of the piece a kind of King Arthur legend sort of feel. The speaker seemed wise and trustworthy based on the word choice. One word that I thought seemed a bit out of place was "industry" for me. I guess the word has probably been around for a long time, but I think the connotations of it are more towards factories and the Industrial Revolution, not really fitting with the tone of the rest of your piece.

Another questionable word (and I apologize because this is a bit nit-picky to be talking about a singular word) was "sprayed" in stanza 2. In this context of spraying on color, I think that the modern reader immediately would think of spray paint, not really the right image for your piece. Substituting displayed, splayed, or dressed or something like that might be a stronger choice.

I liked that the image of the flame, light, and contrast with shadows carried through the entire piece - this was a good place of cohesion that I think was effective without being overdone.

There are a few areas where I really took pause and wondered.... what in the world does that mean. I think that a few of these are simply areas where the phrasing got a little confusing, but you may want to take a double look at.

For instance line 3 "a faithful heart collapse from his holding a girl's hand" this line was confusing for me. Is the subject really that the heart collapse(d) from holding a girl's hand? Why is the word "his" entered in here? And who is this girl? I think it's okay to keep the girl's identity hidden for a while, but I think the other two issues should be looked at. Also in the 2nd to last stanza you bring up this girl's hand again, although it says she's untouched and that almost seems like the speaker/person may be asking for their hand... in marriage? That's an interesting development, but it might be good to clear up the imagery initially and maybe put in another reference to their relationship, just because it seems almost odd only being thrown in twice.

In the line "sweet lines drowned the poor" I feel like I'm missing something. It could just be that I'm unfamiliar with what sweet lines could be referring to. I considered maybe it could be a play on the phrase "let them eat cake" - said to the peasants in France I believe, like lines of people lined up for sweets... but why are they drowning?

The 2nd stanza makes the poem a lot clearer for me, I can imagine these arrogant people staring at the metaphorical mirror, obsessed with themselves.

The 3rd stanza is great! I like the detail about undressing from the gold and silver, it's visual but also metaphorical - good detail here.

In the last stanza I'm a little confused about how the men are finding harmony but are joining "the fight". It just seems a bit contradictory, but I'm assuming you're meaning the fight for justice or for the poor maybe rather than a violent battle.

The ending seems fitting, but I'm still left with a few questions.

Overall Content
The first line is attention getting "A long time ago, men were slaves to their desire." - mostly because it seems like men are still slaves to their desire. This colors the rest of my reading of the piece.

While I liked some of the unique images and metaphors you use in this piece (I have to give you kudos for keeping this really not-cliche with original language) I did find that some of the images felt a bit disconnected.
I would recommend just reading each sentence on it's own and trying to picture how that metaphor or image makes sense. In stanza one: you write, "A candle's flame vanished from a man lighting a match" - that's almost contradictory for me, this person lights a match, and then the candle goes out? I'm not saying that this is necessarily a bad line, in fact if that's what you really meant to say, it's quite interesting to think of a candle that becomes unlit when a smaller flame is lit, but it's just a difficult image for the reader to grab onto immediately.

I think it's also a bit odd to say that conscience tugged [the men] like numbness forcing them to see... (paraphrased). This is just a lot of feelings/actions in one sentence to digest again. Numbness is generally the absence of feeling or pain, so to be forced by numbness which is being tugged by conscience (the awareness rather than absence of pain/morality/place) is again almost contradictory for me. Its an interesting juxtaposition, but for me the two ideas don't go together, or if they do, I think that needs to be developed or explored a bit more in the rest of the poem.

Overall, I think this poem has good balance with imagery, emotive/reflective language, and narration, it's not dull and is quick paced and the traditional word choice gives it an air of elegance.

My overall impression of the piece, or what I'm thinking it means [and as always, I could be completely off the mark here] is that the speaker is describing men from the past and how their desire for personal gain led them into a false light or false ideas about honor and what is good, they got wrapped up in themselves which isn't good for anyone, and these men who may be leaders of their communities kind of wreaked havoc by bringing everyone else into the dark with them. Eventually some of these people realized that caring only about yourself isn't good/honorable and so they changed themselves and started leading the others ("blinded ones") who were still confused by the false senses of worth and honor and desire, they became great citizens by giving back and becoming worthy and honorable leaders. The ticking of the clock lines make me think that although the poem starts with the phrase "a long time ago" it is the speaker's opinion that this sort of situation still happens today and continues to be an issue for leaders and honor.

You use a lot of really interesting images and themes, that give some texture to this piece, I'd like to see a few of them made a bit clearer, but I really did enjoy this piece. Let me know if anything was unclear in my review!

Best,

~alliyah

I think this is great! Keep up the good work.

I think commas would be helpful throughout the poem to make it flow. Although, I am no poetry expert and I could be wrong. I like the parenthesis in the poem, especially at the beginning when it is starting.

Other than that, I love the style of the poem and it is very intriguing! Thanks for the awesome work, I love it!

Hey! Holly here for another review!

This was an all-around awesome poem and just wow!

The only part I didn't really understand was when you included a verse between parentheses. But that could just be because I'm no fully awake yet.

My favorite part is probably the first line of the second verse,

"The men dressed with individual colours,
sprayed their clothes with greed and lust."

I just love how descriptive it is, and how it leaves so much imagery in the reader's mind. I also love how by the end of the poem they brush off the greed and lust and dress in the colour of harmony.

I'm obsessed with how you describe greed, lust, and harmony as colors!

I guess this isn't really a review, more like a fanmail haha.

Please, please, please keep writing so I can sing you praises much more often.

-Holly