One. He makes jokes like they are his breaths
and when he hears my laugh, he smiles, as if
he’s listening to a song he’s been waiting for.
Whenever it rains in the void of my heart,
he sweeps away the grey clouds and places
flowers under the sun-centered sky.
Two. He peers to the expanse of my mind
and fills it up with trees and rivers and mountains.
The abundance of his knowledge is like
an overflowing well from which I can scoop water.
He doesn’t make me think that
compared to him, I’m a drought.
Three. He reads my poetry like he watches
his favourite movie. His eyes are glued to the words
and his mouth sealed in silence. Finished,
he doesn’t just say, ‘It’s nice,’ like my ex but tells me how
my writing touches his soul or if it doesn’t at all.
Four. He is the cape I need during winter.
He protects me from those people at the street
who sneer and frown when we walk holding hands.
And yet, he recognizes my own strength
as he lets me defend myself when one of them
approaches and flings curses at me. But only
until he knows he needs to share his strength.
Five. He reminds me he loves me everyday.
He doesn’t want me to forget. It’s his way to tell me
he needs me as much as he needs oxygen
and the only reply I have for that is I love him too.
Sometimes, he doesn’t say it, but I feel it
in his hug, in his goodnight kiss, in his tears.
These are the five things I want from a lover.
It might seem selfish to expect there’s a perfect guy
who meets all of these, but I get this list from you.
And you made it for me. Thank you for accepting me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey there, Luata here for a review.
I'd like to start with a suggestion for your structure. I'd love to see it if you separated the numbers out from the stanzas themselves. My suggestion would be replacing them with roman numerals and then using them as stanza markers instead of within the stanza itself. Here's what I mean. Instead of this:
Do this:
1.
He makes jokes like they are his breaths
and when he hears my laugh, he smiles, as if
he’s listening to a song he’s been waiting for.
Whenever it rains in the void of my heart,
he sweeps away the grey clouds and places
flowers under the sun-centered sky.
And continue with the rest of the stanzas. I feel like that would give you a cleaner look to the poem as well as not stopping flow but still keeping the separation between your stanzas/reasons.
Moving on. Flow seems a little off in your piece. I understand that this is a very organic style but I think that if you moved some bits around and rephrased others, you could make this much more pleasing to the ear, as I don't see any reason you'd be using abruptness as a style. I won't detail it in my review, but if you'd like me to elaborate, just let me know. It would be my pleasure to do so.
Your imagery seems a bit cliche to me. I acknowledge that this is a poem about love, and unfortunately, most of the common metaphors associated with the feeling are... well... common. I'd shake it up a bit, if I were you, just because when someone can present a well-written concept but in a new way, that is where the magic happens.
Perhaps I'm so critical because I'm rather cynical about the notion of love ...
I think this is a lovely piece though. Whoever you wrote it for seems like a lucky guy. So yes, if you'd like me to elaborate on what I had mentioned, let me know. Otherwise, nice piece and I look forward to seeing your future works.
Best of luck,
~Luata
Hey there, Eli here for a quick sweet review for your work!
I am so happy to see something that is not forced or pushed to be rhymed, stays with its well put theme and makes me feel like this is very realistic. Like a list of things towards the perfect lover and half in your life. Pretty much a fresh read for me, I was stuck reading only poems about our own development and our own self, or stories of something centred to us, but not anything like this that is more towards another person who you are thinking of spending your life with. I think that everyone can feel the pull and realize how they can think the same exact way as you, how they wish to find the same, not just in a male partner, but also in a female or whatever they are into.
One thing that I like is that even if only five things, you at least do not blankly tell us these things and just leave us hanging. You actually tell, no, show us what that thing is. And most importantly, why you choose to include this in your list.
The stanzas were not all the same count but I quess that is not a bad thing, just something I noticed, though for the last one I totally see why it is shorter. It is your conclusion, it feels right being short, simple but informative enough.
I actually thought it is a long journey, a search for the perfect partner but the last stanza gave me the information that the search is long gone and the person is found which is a good end to the story. Shows us that maybe that perfect person exists in real life after all, not only in our fantasies. And they really do, they are perfect for us.
Keep on writing!