I bowed until my forehead
touched the ground. The last step
to seek welcoming hands
from them.
I had tried, I really did.
My hands were wrinkly
from washing the dishes;
My back hurt from shovelling
the cement. My eyes
seemed bruised after hours
of studying.
And yet, that one particular
shard of me set me apart.
It was as if that shard
was a weapon or poison
or disease needed removal.
But why?
Like the rest, it drove me
to madness. Pulled me down
towards sadness. Its tickles
encouraged my joyful tears.
I loved differently,
but I loved nonetheless
just like the rest
and so God, made them see
with that rainbow shard
I was complete.
Remove it and I’d breathe
without a soul.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey Lightsong! Becca here again for another review.
I really love the idea of writing prayers to the divine. They can be really powerful. And also somewhat subversive, if your religion is more into pre-written prayers.
I love the imagery in the second stanza of,
"hands were wrinkly
from washing the dishes;
My back hurt from shovelling
the cement. My eyes
seemed bruised after hours
of studying."
I wasn't entirely sure if these were religious activities or not, but I liked it nonetheless.
In the third stanza you introduce this concept of a shard, which turns out to be an extended metaphor throughout the piece, which I really liked. Maybe the last line of the third stanza should read, "or disease THAT needed removal."
In the fourth stanza, I like how you further discuss the shard. I thought the rhyming of madness and sadness was a bit annoying/sing-songy. Could you use a different word for sadness? I did really like, "Its tickles encouraged my joyful tears."
The fifth stanza was great as is! As was the sixth. I love the rainbow shard, the completeness, and the equating of it to a soul. Now I'm super curious to know what the shard represents (if you feel like sharing).
Overall, great piece. Keep writing! I hope to read more of your work!
Hello, Lightsong.
So this poem for me is kind of off topic in some places like here:
It doesn't really fit with the end message, and it's almost funny because it dramatizes common work. Also, "shoveling" only needs one l.
So I thought you were talking about the LGBTQ+ community. Or you yourself being part of the community. If I'm incorrect then correct me, but that's what I thought this was implying.
So you're saying God used a rainbow to show to people you were different? If so, that's not historically accurate. The rainbow was a symbol of God's promise to Noah and the people of the earth that He wouldn't flood the whole earth ever again. Then the LGBTQ+ community decided to use it as their flag or symbol. It was never about being queer.
I don't know where to end this. I think I'd like the poem itself if it didn't drag God in along with it, and contain unnecessary drama about house chores, but I don't know. Kind of confused now. Again, correct me if I interpreted this the wrong way...
~Ruby
I really enjoied this poem. I always enjoy poems stories anything with a good ending, and I really liked how you wraped up this ending. It was very good. I like how you talk about the hard days work, how you put work in there that not everyone does, it catches the readers attention.