We run through the paths of fire, those branches
multiplying because of what the world has become.
The ground cracks as if we walk on the wall
of lava-filled mountain, suppressing the feelings of others.
This is the result of words hurled like weapons,
of arsenals launched like play toys, and of souls
thrown like they were not the essence of what made them
human. They no longer feel, no longer want to feel,
what it’s like to have their stomachs croaking
or what it’s like to hold their belief to something
that is invisible, but yet there, palpable, like love
and gravity.
They surrendered to their hatred. It chained
their necks and dragged them like they were its dogs,
beasts that had fangs and claws used only
by their master. Their eyes turned the colour of blood over time.
Both of us? We escape from them, but our doom
waits for us at the end of our journey. Hope is now
a blanked of colourful illusion, not something we could touch.
It has severed its tie with the world and rests
at the back of our mind as a happy memory.
We hold each other’s hand, our unity a rebel itself,
‘hoping’ it is happiness that we will keep until our lives’ end.
A/N: So, this is a quick work, no edit done. Just something I want to post before Review Day. Hopefully there’s more note on content and structure of sentence/phrase as well as word choice and the overall completeness of the poem.
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139,382 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Hey, I read your note. It is a good poem mate. Don't worry we all learn from the flaws. Your poem is flawless, I loved it from the beginning. The concept is very touchy. As its title reveals everything. You truly portrayed the true picture of cataclysm. One day we all have to face the horrific end. But we can postpone our world's end. The things you mentioned must stop then only we can postpone our end.
I loved your work. Keep it up.
Hi Lightsong! Happy review day!
I really enjoyed the concept of this poem. I always find it interesting hearing about what everyone imagines the apocalypse to be like. I really enjoyed your comparisons throughout the poem. They helped me understand the apocalyptic world that you were describing.
Onto what you hoped reviewers would address, I think this poem seemed generally complete to me. It came full circle from the beginning and the ominous tone ran until the very last word of the last stanza. When you spoke about content, if you were talking about the ideas in the poem, then I enjoyed the idea of it and the visuals. My suggestions for improvement would be to read through it out loud, I found some lines not to flow as smoothly with the others. Besides that, I think you have done a very good job with this poem. For the many poems that deal with the apocalypse, I think you added your original twists to it and I enjoyed reading it.
Have a good day/night!
~iamanaspiringwriter
Hello, Tulip here to give you a review, without joining a team to remain neutral tonight.
I loved the idea that you had within your poem here. It all is true. How many times has humanity managed to ruin itself with words being used as weapons? Hitler is just one example on that- his words causing an entire religion to be persecuted for nothing more than that.
We claim that everything we do is for a "greater good" (Dumbledore moment anyone?) But all we are doing, in reality, is pushing our goal of creating a better world further and further away. Till we pull the hatred from our words nothing will change.
Now to comment on more than just my interpretation.
I loved the variety of words that you used. It made the poem seem a lot more complex in itself. And I loved it. Most poems try to incorporate the larger words nad it doesn't mix well into the message or the wording. For you, it worked well. It helped to create the image that the stanzas were trying to create. The sentence structure is something that I would have liked to see worked out a bit better. In places, it confused me on where one started or ended. Some of the ideas just seemed to flow in one big sentence rather than separate.
It's not super long but I hope it helped!
Hey there! Akelia here for a review!
So to get started, I'm going to say I absolutely love this poem. I like the dramatic effect, and how you made things weave together. Such as in a last stanza, you said
I'm not sure if I've reviewed you before, but if this is the first time, awesome!
"We hold each other's hand, our unity a rebel itself,"
This is an amazing line that really stood out to me, and was well written. Now, that being said, on with the official review! Now for reviews, I separate it into two parts, 1 being Sweet, and 2 being Sour. Sweet is what I liked about the work and what you did well, and sour being what you could improve on. We'll do sour first to get it over with. Now, on with the review!
Sour:
I noticed in your explanation you said that you really wanted to get it posted before Review day, and I understand. But your flow in the poem didn't really go together well, as the stanza lines are all mushed together. An easy way to fix this is in writing is to adjust it while you are writing. It will save a lot of trouble.
That's it for sours! Now onto the sweets!
Sweet:
Word choice was pretty good, I don't know if that's what you were saying in your description, which I didn't understand. But, your word choice did help the mood, and that's vital in a poem. With only a few words, you packed a whole lot into it, which was amazing.
And that's it. Good job on your work! Remember, never stop writing.
-Akelia