dear father, veins decorate your hands and arms,
muscles showing through, while my hands hold a pencil
and an eraser. you derive pleasure from the sound
of the grinder while the scratching of my writing sings at my ear.
you perceive masculinity as fixed as the movement
of the sun, clear like the expanse of the sky.
to me, a vehicle that can fly in the air works better
than one made of hollow metal. why bother implanting
the traits of a concept if you become a monster instead of a person?
emotions i watch limitless like colours, more beautiful
when they are brought together. i couldn’t understand why
you prefer red and black always, the same as i couldn’t comprehend
why you think a certain colour like pink is exclusive to women.
we are artists of different kinds. you deal with those that destroy -
cements, sparks and bricks while i deal with people carrying stories
around their waist. you craves necessity like you crave breathing,
while i crave diversity like i crave living.
i want to be a man who can feel the magic in everyone’s kindness,
who hears laughter as if it’s a melody. unlike you, the stone, a layer
of destruction and inflexibility does not replace my soul.
i’m not trapped in the past as both my hands hold the present and the future.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Hi there Lightsong! Nikayla here dropping in for a review as requested. Always fun reviewing your poetry, and this is no exception. Without further ado, let's jump right in.
I see that this is a little more structured than usual--that's an aspect that I enjoy about this poem. The neatness of the aesthetic. Five stanzas and four lines in each stanza--pretty evened out in that respect.
I'm a fan of this first stanza though the wording is a little weird. The comma in the middle of the second line is what I found to be awkwardly placed. I'm also a little confused as to why the speaker is telling their father what decorates his own arms. That isn't to say the imagery here isn't strong, I just saw oddities in those parts. Why tell him something he probably already knows? I'm going to suggest taking out the comma in the middle of the second line and playing around with the wording a bit with the first two lines--the last two don't have this problem as much.
His father sees masculinity as a straight line? Or, he only sees masculinity in one path? That's what I get out of the first two lines in this second stanza. This plays around with too many different concepts for me. First we're talking about masculinity and the movement of the sun. Following this up is a vehicle in the air and a question about why he might--I actually don't get the last part. I didn't understand that question? Is the speaker still talking about the vehicle or now something else? I couldn't tell, and I certainly couldn't decipher what this question meant to get across. There's not a very clear line of thought in this stanza (at least for me) which I would've liked to see.
The phrase 'you prefer red and black always' might be better replaced with 'you always prefer red and black'. Not only that, the line and a half that follows talking about how the father of the speaker believes that pink is a colour that's exclusive only to females is also awkward in diction. That's the main problem of this poem other than the cohesiveness between stanzas. There's a thin thread that ties all of this together though at the same time there's still a bit of a lack of cohesiveness. Diction and the overall string of thought is what mainly needs worked on here, though that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy this and that this doesn't have potential! Both are true--editing will just make this even stronger.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Wow!!! This poem is 100 percent true and 100 percent beautiful. All the words flowed out in such a smooth and crystal-clear manner that I was awestruck. There wasn't a single flaw in either the words or the grammar. Honesty shone in every word, every line. Above all, you expressed your feelings and the things you face in a very calm and poetic manner. I loved it! And yes, like you, I do not support stereotyping people. Keep up the briliant word!
Hey, it's Codayy here with a review. It's been a while since I've reviewed poetry, honestly. The combination of rust and difficulty of understanding some poem's meanings might hinder the quality of this review, but I'll try my best!
I think this stanza tries to establish two things: That narrator (I'm assuming it's you) and the father are separate from their lives now and it describes the huge personality traits. You like imagining and describing in creative ways while your dad does things and likes doing things more literal. I like this stanza because much it does a lot in the little words it has without being blunt. It sounds like a mutual, good relationship and explains why it works. It also foreshadows something going awry.
My slight criticism is that the phrase "writing sing is at my hear" confuses me. Hear is a verb and I can't find a way where it's not. It's confusing and breaks the flow of something that almost went perfectly in my opinion. I know this pointed out before with people also suggesting how to fix this, but it might not be a typo and really could mean something.
First two lines are good. It shows your father thinks that what he sees is fact, supporting how your father is more literal in the first stanza. The examples of the sky and sun weren't jarring considering how you can literally see both if up outdoors lol. It properly introduced a pretty big theme with some nice similes.
The rest of the stanza is jarring. I don't want to say I'm certain on this, but maybe you thought the flying vehicle was okay to add because of your recent imagery. It doesn't work for me. I instead focused on the vehicle and questioned its relevance. Then you add a question that clashes with your dad's ideals of stereotyping which felt like a lot to process. The confusing imagery and a rather long-winded question just made this fall apart in my opinion.
The first part of the stanza talks about how you can see how great and unique something can be if they aren't limited to various traits. Like colors and femininity as you point out later on. The start feels particularly clunky. "Emotions I watch" just doesn't sound right to me. "I watch emotions limitlessly like colours" is my suggestion. Also, "more beautiful when brought together" feels like it should be its own sentence. I feel like the phrase before and after comma shouldn't have the right to be in the same sentence. I have feeling you did it because it would be redundant starting the sentence using "I" and the fact it would mess up the format by adding more words, but it makes sentence rather odd to read.
The remaining of the stanza flows pretty well, but I feel like it could be cut down. Also, I feel like it was told. I feel like a question would be appropriate. "Why do you always prefer black and red, and distaste and pink and purple?" Not saying saying this is perfect, but it was cut down a lot without removing anything important and it just doesn't tell that the viewer that the narrator fails understand why the father labels everything.
I don't think this adds much to the poem. I don't think at least. Something could've flown over my head. Looking at it though, the stanza seems redundant. If it didn't restate the point of the previous two stanzas, then I don't it added much. I will say that I do like the imagery of people who carry actual stories around their waste and I do like how structured the last sentence where the use of repetition is executed well.
I really like this ending. To say "I want to be a man" means that any man is a man. Even if you don't have those stereotypical traits of liking a color or liking a certain hobby. Even if some traits are perceived as feminine, it doesn't matter and it just makes a person more unique. You're not bounded by your father and you're not going to bind anybody either.
Overall, I like the strong message. My suggestion is that you make make sure every part is essential to the story and check sure if there's a way to have better impact on some phrases. Make every word concise yet beautiful. There were moments where you did that and the theme and imagery was great, so overall I liked your poem. And omg, this is why I don't review stuff. I go into a review typing like only 30 words per minute so I reviews take like an hour to complete LOL.
Heya, this is Jedi, here for a review!
First off, this was a very powerful piece and I definitely enjoyed reading it. Now onto some critique.
I don't quite know what it is about it, but going from describing your father to describing yourself seems a bit rushed. It seems like you're shoving your opinion in the reader's face straightaway in the second line. Not sure how you would fix that, it just seems like you're jumping into your differences a bit too soon. Also in I think you meant to replace "hear" with "ear" and in that same line replace "at" with "into."
I don't see anything wrong with this stanza except that going on about a vehicle seems a bit irrelevant and could be replaced with something else, just my opinion though. Also I see that each stanza has 4 lines, but this one stanza has 5.. Since there is no rhyme scheme I think this is fine, but if it could be changed I think it would make the poem look a lot nicer.
I think you meant to replace "limitless" with "limitlessly" unless I misunderstood? Other than that this stanza does a really good job on comparing your artistic ways to the practical ways of your father.
The only comment I have on this stanza is that cements and bricks build, not destroy... maybe use a different example?
I had a hard time understanding the 2nd and 3rd lines in this stanza, I had to read it twice. Maybe there's something you could do to make it a bit easier to read.
I also think that as this is about a writer and the punctuation is good, the lack of capitalization doesn't quite fit. Just something to consider changing.
Overall, this was a great piece and very consistent. I hope this review was helpful and I look forward to reading more of your works soon!
Lightsong, I have no words. (Well, I do, as I'm reviewing this, but anyways.)
There are millions of poems written, published, and made public, all over the world. Most good poems have one or two 'wow, that's put nicely' moments. Your entire poem is a 'wow. that's put beautifully' moment in itself.
The lack of capital letters bugs me a lot, but that's just me and my OCD, I don't actually mean to point it out as a negative aspect at all.
I especially love these lines:
"i’m not trapped in the past as both my hands hold the present and the future."
This pretty much sums up the entire poem. I often find good poems with terrible endings that are a complete let down. People try to go for some abstract, open sentence, and while that can sometimes work out handsomely, it's very hard to get it right. While you've kept this ending quite open and abstract, it's not excessively cryptic, and as a reader, I feel satisfied with the way it has been concluded. Great job!
"you crave necessity like you crave breathing,
while i crave diversity like i crave living." (slight typo as the first crave is craves in your poem.)
This, this has been put perfectly into words. The father does indeed seem to be clinging on to an old fashioned stereotype of masculinity, and in the end seems to have become just a breather, as opposed to a liver. (person who lives, not the organ liver) This line was what truly made this poem special for me.
"the scratching of my writing sings at my hear." (I'm assuming you meant heart.)
This is exactly what happens to people who love to write, and I've never been able to put it into words in this way.
Overall, this is a beautiful poem. It may need a few typo or formatting fixes, but keeping that aside and taking into mind only the words, tone and meaning, I do believe this is an amazing piece of work. I'm sure this will be relatable to so many many people of all genders, people who've never been able to express it like this. You certainly have a beautiful way with words. Awesome job.
Sadie
PS: I know this review is terrible as far as a review is concerned, but I truly meant to show my appreciation for this without going into structured writing, which is why I've given a comment-ish review. Please bear with it.