Young Writers Society

Frost Lark News                                                                                                                          9/4/16

This issue’s cover story is about the recent break out at the Frost Lark prison. Guards discovered just this morning that the shackles had been filed in cell number thirty eight. Police are searching the town for the escaped convict, but the only problem is that they don’t know who escaped. Due to their policy of not recording who is in each cell, which has been met with much controversy, they have absolutely no idea who resided in cell thirty eight. All the criminals seem to have been accounted for, yet there is clearly a human missing. The Police continue the search and urge citizens to call in if they have any information.

***

The mayor of Frost Lark is currently locked in a room. The room is in a house. The house is on a road. Do not approach the house. We cannot say what it will do to you. The mayor disappeared after walking within three meters of it. Using a telescope, The Frost Lark Police Force has located him in a room on the second floor. He appears to be seated at a dining table and is consuming a large amount of calories. This may come as a surprise, as Mayor Jerald Stewart is well known his fit body and mind. Many have theorized that this is his retirement designation, seeing as his term will come an end at the end of this September. If he does not leave in two days, the Council of Democracy will consider this as a premature retirement and will hold an early election. Many candidates have come forth claiming they intend to run. During the next week, the vigorous selection process will single out two candidates. We would like to wish good luck to all running. If the mayor retires, of course.

***

Health Tips

You are not healthy. No one is. Health is a thing of the past, so relax and be free. No more dieting, no more exercise, no more anything. Be happy. Fly away into the world of obesity and food borne illnesses. Rejoice, Frost Lark. You will no longer suffer under the name of health.

***

As a continuation, more on the Frost Lark Prison Break out. The only piece of info is that it was a child who escaped. They know because the school student count has risen to 167. Of course, a new student could have moved here, but that is rather unlikely because we are in the middle of an icy wasteland.

***

Now for the weekly survey. Circle one of the following.

Are you satisfied with the life you live?

a) More than satisfied.

b) Eh, it’s okay.

c) Satisfaction is sinful.

d) There is no point getting attached to this life, as it will end eventually. This eventually is soon in relativity to timeline of the universe. The sun will explode someday. Someday far away, and much farther than my death. My death will not be far away, when compared to the destruction of the sun.

***

ADVERTISEMENT SPACE

Bacon is a beautiful thing. We make the best bacon in the world. In fact we are known for our bacon. You know us. You cannot escape out bacon. Or us. Bacon. Fall into a hypnotic and rhythmic chant. Bacon. Bacon. Bacon. Bacon. This message brought to you by Oscar Meyers. Bacon. Bacon. Bacon.

ADVERTISEMENT SPACE

If you want to put your advertisement here, call 200-303-9871. We will locate your home and make it disappear from the face of the planet. Most likely, anyway. So call. We will put you advertisement here, free of charge. Here’s a smiley emoji. :-)

***

Why don’t we read the signs of nature? We will learn what your future will be using different methods.

Have you seen a duck crossing the road? Then you will be admitted to a mental facility because you are delusional. This is the arctic. There are no ducks.

Have you eaten moldy bread? Your IQ will lower, because you were dumb enough to eat moldy bread.

Do you speak French as a second language? You will be socially accepted; most of Frost Lark speaks both English and French. You should know that. Remember what country we are in?

Have you been shot in the abdomen? You will probably die.

***

A strange message has appeared on all prints. We expect it to be the fault of a prankster. The message is below:

ReadErs. Now is nOt the Time to sit and read the papER. I have seen tHings. ThingS tHis town does. SomethinG strange is goiNG on. I believe that someoNE puT the maYor in the room. They waNt him gone. This toWn's goVernment dOEs many things thEy do not tell us. i Cannot write more, As a faCTory attenDant is coming. I Will give more info in THe next print.

We do not know who is responsible. When it is discovered, they will be locked in the Frost Lark Prison. No more info is to be given on this topic, because no more info is to be given on the Frost Lark Prison. However, of course the government does things they do not tell us. If the government told us everything, then they would have to explain why they deny to fund research on outbreaks of fatal diseases or why they have bugged our telephones, sink faucets, and back doors. Who would want to explain that?