I feel like Bilbo Baggins right now. I never have any adventures or do anything unexpected. I don't really want to at the moment anyways, but sometimes I sort of feel like I'm on repeat or something. Like right now, I'm siting here at this caffe with my best friend and her boyfriend, and my other best friend and smoking yet another cigarette after drinking yet another coffee. We do this all the time. In-fact I'm willing to bet most of our Summer has been passed in this place. How else do the staff know us by name and know our orders? It's so boring though. But we always come here because it's pretty much all we have to do when we're not in school.
"I can't believe Mariana has been home for a week and hasn't even texted me." Sara scoffes while flicking through a magazine and not actually looking at a single page.
Mariana is a friend of ours who we grew up with. She moved to France with her mother a few years ago and comes home a couple times a year to visit her dad. Sara is a little bitter because Mariana spent the last couple of Summers with me and not her, seeing as it was pretty much impossible to contact Sara at the time. She's determined that we all spend this Summer together, and I'm determined to have the patience for it.
"She's probably meaning to. I bet she's just been busy. She's here for like six weeks it's not like there's no time." I say reassuringly but at the same time with hidden exhaustion from listening to Sara's paranoia. I love the girl but sometimes...
"Yeah I know but she could have contacted me. I mean I haven't seen her in how long?"
"About seven months?"
"Exactly. A phone call or something wouldn't have hurt."
"Yeah I guess so." I look at Denny, Sarah's boyfriend, who is looking hopeless and over stirring a mug full of nothing. He never really knows what to say in these minor situations. I laugh to myself in my head.
"Well what's on the agenda for the Summer Sara?" I notice her blue eyes gloss over with mischief and her vibrant pink, dip-dyed hair makes her look like a cunning anime character.
"Chaos." She winks at me and I feel myself smiling. If anyone knows chaos it's her, and if anyone will get caught up in her chaos it will be me.
"Sounds...fun." This whole time we don't notice that Ellen has been on the phone to her dad, until she hangs up and informs us that she is allowed to the gig we'd been planning on going to next week. I'm pretty stoked. I love music, it's like my escape route. I guess you could say I'm a multi-instrumentalist.
"Well, Ellen. Now that we know you're coming too, what's the situation with the pre-drinking? We can't bring it in with us obviously, and it's way too expensive to drink in there." Sara has that pondering look about her and we all know we'll end up drinking at hers that night.
Personally I'm not even that much of a fan of drinking. I've went through my angst-filled teenage drinking problem already. Now it's like - what's next? I doubt I'm the only seventeen year old in the world who isn't all that into drinking, but to be honest I just do it to be social. They like doing it, I like hanging out with them. What use would it be to sit there and watch everyone else have fun?
"Why don't we just do it at your place?" I suggest. Denny looks tired despite the amount of caffein that must be in his blood system right now. I'm feeling fairly wired, like more than usual. Like I could pick up fire, that's probably not good.
"Perfect. I'd say my mam won't mind anyways, I'll ask her later. I'm going in to get another coffee before me and Denny go. Okay? Do you want anything?" Her voice is chirpy now, a little excitement leakng through it and sparkling in the air. We all say no and Ellen goes in with her to use the bathroom. I pull Lord of the Ring's out of my bag and hear Denny laugh.
"What?" I now feel self-conscious. I peer up at him. He turns to me with mockery and looks at me through his Heathcliff-like dark eyelashes.
"Lord of the Rings? So much like my brother." His brother. Conor, is in my class. He's a quiet guy, but sweet.
"Maybe your brother has good taste then." I take a pull of a fag, mixing the toxic air and the fresh.
Sara reappears, and sits back in her place beside Denny. She leans into him and plants a kiss, which then turns to a full-on kiss, which gets heated and makes me so uncomfortable. I squirm in my seat and think to myself how much I love the single life with daydreams of my future fifty cats,
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hey, Sakura! ^_^ Thanks for letting me know that you had edited this. Also, I'd like to appreciate you editing this piece after taking our advice and analyzing it yourself. That shows you're serious with this piece.
I like 'tis line very much. It sums up both of the girls' personality and their relationship.Introduction:
Basically this was my problem the last time. I felt you were not really pulling us in with your writing. I might not have mentioned specifically but this was indeed one of my complaints. This edited version kicks off much better than the last piece. Although still I find that the comparison between the MC and Bilbo can be explained more. See, the thing is that even though Bilbo is a very famous character and all, but still the chances are that many people have not heard about him. So, you've to present him in a way which is not like throwing info dump but still makes sense.
"Well what's on the agenda for the Summer , Sara?"
Sakura, I don't want to break your heart, love but for me this story is cliched. I am not really a big fan of such stories but I'd like to wish you all the best. One thing that I did like is that you do bring in the teenage scenario-the people going out for music concerts, drinking, smoking. It does give the piece an interesting angle. But still, even with this concept you can do so much. I don't want to be harsh or something, but this story requires a total spin off.
What I can help you with is maybe identifying all the elements which make this look all cliched. It's not tough, you might know about them yourself but I just want to put it out in writing for you.
1. Nerdy Girl/Still Doing Things She doesn't Want to
2. Sara-fashion maniac and from what I can see maybe she'll be a brat or something?
3. Summer. There have to be multiple stories dealing with summer love.
4. Girl falling for her best friend's boyfriend. This concept is maybe the most cliched one.
Now, now. There were certain things which were good about your story. Your dialog did make me feel everything. What you did here was try to bring out the personalities of the characters through their dialogues which is pretty good. Secondly, I liked your ending. The fifty cats thing. Pretty hilarious. ^_^
Now, maybe you could describe more? That would definitely make your piece a lot better. Only dialog won't really help you out. You need to make us see, too.Describe how they look, how the cafe looks, the typical expression they wear, etc. Use your imagination.
I hope this helps.
I have to say that this is a really overused plot so maybe next time you could add something that makes it so unique and so much different than all of th other stories!
You could also add a tragic event or something else if u want, it could maybe bring out some emotion.
I also agree with john you could turn this into a prolouge a make a pretty decent novel but make sure you add something really unique to make it different than any other teen drama and the ending was not anything close to what i expected.
HAPPY WRITING!
P.S. Iwould give this piece a 7/10
Thank you
this piece is completely different to the one that was reviewed by those previous reviewers so the one you have read is not the same. But thank you I appreciate it.
I'm going to have to agree with the other reviews. This is simply a cliche, overused, fairly unimaginative plot. You need to add something to it so that it stands out from all other teen romantic fiction. Why write something that has no originality?
Also, is this a short story or the prologue to a novel? If this is a short story, it needs to be extended and work-shopped. Give us more characterization than just the standard girl. Tell us why she has such an attraction to this boy and why she was willing to betray her best friend. Also, giving your characters names couldn't hurt. I also agree with the other reviews on the point of showing instead of telling. Don't just list out a bunch of facts about your characters. That is a summary and I can go to Wikipedia for a summary. Be creative. Show us something that we can't see anywhere else. I know you can do it!
If this is the prologue to a novel, you have the potential to develop this idea into a fantastic story. You have the chance to deviate from the overdone plot line that you are weaving. Make interesting choices and write amazing characters.
Overall, regardless of whether this is a prologue or a short story, you need to work on this a bit. Don't fall into the trap of cliche. Write something original and beautiful. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!
Hey there Sakura!
This seems the sort of teen fiction summed up in a few paragraphs. Two girl friends are super close, but then they become mortal enemies when one of them cheats with the other girls boyfriend. Forgive me for saying this but this storyline is one of the most cliche ever and somehow feels copied from other stories.
Also, it was really short. No elaboration whatsoever. I agree with Mia. You're basically telling us everything. You kissed, but your friend was upstairs, you two talked. And than these conflicting thoughts come into the characters head. This is the basics to any story. Showing. Now comes the telling, it's where you give your characters action. You make them do things, you make their bodies react to the events surrounding them. You make them cry or smile, or do things to themselves. Drama is what we want to see here. It's what captures the reader's attention in any story.
It was an very sudden stop, to say the least. Not exactly a proper ending. I was expecting more, I was expecting to feel something out of this story. Maybe feel for the character. Sadly nothing really came up. It's a pretty monotonous story without much emotion. It's like retelling a series of events.
Sorry if I sounded harsh, just trying to help!
Hope my review helped!
Hey, Sakura!
I really love your username.
I'd like to start off with the title. It's cute, doesn't declare much but keeps me hooked on. The main reason I clicked on your piece was that the title was self-inviting and intriguing. So, whatever you decide to do with the story, keep this title. Some people might find it cliched, but it works for me just fine.
Secondly, this story is pretty cliched with its concept. I have read several pieces or heard of stories when the best friend falls for the girl's boyfriend which creates a rift between them. That's pretty much obvious till now, but I have to see how you take your story forward. For all I know you could be bringing in aliens or blood-sucking vampires and giving it your own twist.
That being said, I will agree with Elinor on the point that I feel this is somewhat telling more, but showing less. In a story like this, your emotions should be vivid. I won't go and say you didn't show emotions because that would be false, but the emotions were pretty stiff. Let lose the emotions. Show us more. Give some imagery. Don't just narrate, feel and write.
Right now, I'm not sure if this was supposed to be the prologue or first chapter. But when I read it, I feel like this should be converted into a prologue because the style of writing used here is best suited for that. But, it's your call.
Even though I said the concept's pretty cliched, I personally still like it. Here, you have got ample of options to go for. You could give this piece a wonderful feel by playing on her guilt, working strongly on the relationship which will be clandestine for some time. So, just experiment.
I hope this helps. I'm sorry if I ever sounded harsh!
~Mia
Hi Sakura!
I think you have a really interesting concept here, especially since this kind of thing does happen in real life. However, it's just that right now- an interesting concept. Right now this consists of three short paragraphs, and as it stands that's not a lot space to flesh out character and conflict. Is this a short story, or the first part of a novel? You have this in novel/chapter, but this seems to be a whole story.
Right now, this story is falling into the summary trap. "I did this, and it led to that which led to that." I notice a lot of stories that do this tend to be forgettable and not as emotional as they should be. This is because these stories are telling instead of showing. There are exceptions to the show, don't tell rule, but in your case, I want to see what led to this happening.
I would suggest that you take us to the scene where this happened; either during or directly after. If you get into your character's head and go through the scenario and her thoughts, we'll sympathize with her and understand the remorse that she feels afterward. Was there tension between the two that she didn't want to acknowledge? I'm also visualizing the guy as kind of a jerk if he's going to be kissing other girls while he's dating someone. Is this how you want him portrayed?
These are just some things to think about! Hopefully they help you with your revisions. Feel free to PM me if you need anything further.
Hey, here to review!
Keep in mind, first of all, that I'm a tough critic of romantic novels. They can develop into my favorite novels on rare occasions, but more often than not, they are the ones that I quit reading halfway through. So for me to keep reading, it has to be good.
The concept, of course, is overrun and outdated. That being said, there's always the potential to turn it around and make it your own (whether or not you will remains to be seen, with such a short piece). My advice would be to really develop these characters as the story progresses, but most importantly, avoid cliche while doing so. This sounds like a lot of other books and movies so far, so making it something that's your own will really be a difficult task.
Stylistically speaking, this isn't terrible, but it's definitely rushed, and it doesn't really inspire me to read it or, quite frankly, care about the characters. Right now, I can't help but think that the main character is a bit of a backstabber and the guy, despite never having met him, seems like a bit of a manipulative prick. All because of one awful event. Don't start there. Don't start with the mistake, or at least don't start talking about it this way. Make sure that we can see it unravel, so that we can empathize with the situation and understand their motives a little more clearly. Characters don't have to be likable, but in this case, it would most definitely help.
Well, I hope this was helpful, and if you're interested in a review on the following chapters, then just feel free to message me!
Keep writing, and best wishes! xx